A Very Serious Discussion: Which ACC mascot would win a battle royale?

Can you tell that we would do anything to pass the time until Week 1 vs the Alabama Crimson Tide?

CONTENT WARNING: This article discusses things like fighting to the death that may not be super fun to read for some. It also is very silly, very long and has very little to do with football, basketball or really any sport other than the most primal of all, hunting for survival. If you aren’t down for that, feel free to click off this one.

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With all the in-fighting amongst the ACC over the past year finally put to a rest with the settlement between the conference, Florida State and Clemson, we figured

it was time to stir up a little bit of drama by really getting into some bloodlust.

Namely, which ACC mascot would survive a no-holds-barred, battle royale to the death?

(Can you tell that we would do anything to pass the time until Week 1 vs the Alabama Crimson Tide?)

I have been really into watching death game media as of late, such as Squid Game, and perhaps my game of the year, The Hundred Line: Last Defense Academy, which includes a death game route. Of course, the classics like The Hunger Games, the aptly named Battle Royale and SB Nation’s Jon Bois ranking each mascot in the FBS by weight all helped inspire this piece.

But before we do anything, let’s actually take the time to name what each mascot is and what they can actually do.

• Boston College: Baldwin the Eagle

A bald eagle with strong talons.

• California: Golden Bear

A literal grizzly bear. Hundreds of pounds, strong claws, absurd endurance.

• Clemson: The Tiger

Either a Bengal or Siberian tiger, 500+ pounds. Razor-sharp claws and explosive release, much like their players.

• Duke Blue Devils: Blue Devil

A devil, as implied. Human-sized demonic entity.

• Florida State: Cimarron

An American Paint horse, typically 950-1200 pounds and great for ranch work or rodeo.

• Georgia Tech: Buzz

A literal yellow jacket, or wasp. About 1 inch long, but it can sting repeatedly.

• Louisville: Louie the Cardinal

A literal cardinal. Bright red, small, and non-predatory. Can fly, but pretty much does nothing else.

• Miami: Sebastian the Ibis

A large wading bird. Maybe 2-3 feet tall in actuality. Smart for a bird, but no real offense. Can... peck... their prey?

• North Carolina: Rameses

Surprisingly not a foot. A big horn ram, actually. 250-300 pounds or so, with devastating headbutts.

• NC State: Mr. & Ms. Wuf

Two adult grey wolves. This one might actually be unfair. No one else has two players on their team, but in the interest of making the games interesting (someone’s watching), I will reluctantly have them both play.

• Notre Dame: The Leprechaun

A magical Irish trickster, human-sized here. Might win based on sheer luck.

• Pittsburgh: Roc the Panther

A large black panther, probably either a leopard or jaguar. Silent, fast, and precise.

• SMU: Mustang

A wild horse, basically. 800-1000 pounds, and can probably kick with deadly force.

• Stanford: The Tree

A literal tree. Completely stationary. No limbs.

• Syracuse: Otto the Orange

A sentient orange. Sure. Whatever. Generally, two to four inches in diameter.

• Virginia: Cavalier

A sword-wielding horseman in 17th-century attire.

• Virginia Tech: HokieBird

A 3-foot-tall turkey. Meaty, but dumb.

• Wake Forest: Demon Deacon

A stern old man in a tuxedo riding a motorcycle. How did he even smuggle that into the arena? Oh.. did he ride up the tube with that? Weirdo.

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With that out of the way, let’s now set up some ground rules.

1. Only one mascot may survive, the sole exception being the pair of Mr. and Ms. Wuf, should both make it to the end. Survival is the goal, and eliminating others is allowed, but is not required for victory.
2. You may use whatever you wish in the arena, but you may not leave the arena.
3. Assume that every participant has access to unlimited food and drinking water, because I don’t even want to think about how not having that would affect the outcome.
4. Most mascots either don’t care or don’t understand the point of a battle royale, but they have the survival skills associated with their species. (i.e., Georgia Tech’s Buzz has the survival instincts of a literal wasp.)
5. Supernatural beings like Duke’s Blue Devil retain their thematic powers, but this will not make them invincible in any way.
6. Each mascot can only do what they can literally do in the real world. For example, Buzz cannot walk on two feet, and Cimarron cannot fly.
7. If a mascot enters the game in a vehicle, they may keep it until it is either destroyed or they are eliminated.
8. Each mascot somehow knows not to step off their platform until the game begins.
9. There will be no resurrections.

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Based on these rules, here’s what we would need to consider:

• Stanford: The tree is immobile but immune to poison. We’re going to assume that if the main body is separated from the stump, it’s eliminated.
• Notre Dame: The Leprechaun possesses extremely good luck, but not invulnerability. I don’t know what magical trickery would get you here, but sure. He can have that, I guess.
• Duke: The Blue Devil’s magical powers are present, but let’s just say he can curse one guy at a time. He is also not invincible.
• Georgia Tech: Buzz has multiple stings, but he is a literal wasp. So...
• Wake Forest: The Demon Deacon will be considered eliminated if the driver is dead and the car is inoperable.

With all of that...

Let the games begin.

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The Hunger Games (2012), Directed by Gary Ross. Actor in frame: Jennifer Lawrence

Edited photo of the Duke Blue Devil mascot over Katniss Everdeen’s face in The Hunger Games (2012). Made by me.

Day 1

The horn blares, and everyone does what they can.

• Otto the Orange (Syracuse) stays on their podium, as they are an inanimate object and cannot move.
• The Tree (Stanford) stays on its podium. They are a literal tree, and as such, cannot move.
• Ramblin’ Wreck (Georgia Tech) cannot move, as they are a car without a driver.
• The Golden Bear (California) immediately runs away from the carnage out of fear.
• Demon Deacon (Wake Forest) rides his motorcycle directly into the cornucopia.
• Buzz (Georgia Tech) is made mad by all the noise and flies away.
• HokieBird (Virginia Tech) waddles forward, gobbling confusedly. It pecks at the grass.
• Mr & Ms. Wuf (NC State) pounce and rip the HokieBird apart, eyeing it as they appeared at the top of their tubes. The turkey never stood a chance.

HokieBird, eliminated. 17 players remain.

• Louie the Cardinal (Louisville) flies away to a tree not named the Stanford tree.
• Rameses (North Carolina) charged forward and smashed into the side of the cornucopia, headbutting Sebastian the Ibis by accident. Sebastian is sent flying. L bozo.

Sebastian the Ibis, eliminated. 16 players remain.

• The Tiger (Clemson) runs away because there are too many predators right now.
• Blue Devil (Duke) waves his hand, and a curse falls upon... Rameses, who is now confused.
• Cimarron (Florida State) runs away, but runs directly into Rameses like an idiot. The two are shocked and stare at each other for a few seconds before Cimarron runs away, but Rameses is paralyzed with fear.
• The Leprechaun (Notre Dame) runs as fast as they can into the cornucopia. Somehow, no one thinks to take him out! He picks up a dagger. He notices Cimarron and Rameses and charges at Rameses with the dagger.
• He lands a hit, then two, then three, and then...

Rameses, eliminated. 15 players remain.

• Roc the Panther (Pittsburgh) sees him and thinks he’s easy prey. It lunges at The Leprechaun, but misses completely and hits the wall at max speed! He is dazed.
• Baldwin the Eagle flies away.
• The Mustang (SMU) bolts full speed into the forest. It wants no part of this.
• The Cavalier (Virginia) scans the field looking for easy pickings.
• The Demon Deacon (Wake Forest) circles the cornucopia on his motorcycle. He honks at Roc the Panther, still dazed. The Deacon laughs and attempts to eliminate it with a sword he found. He misses because he’s going 40 miles per hour, but the Panther swiped at one of his tires.
• Otto the Orange continues to sit there, as Mustang barrels back through the area in a panic after being spooked by Buzz. The horse tramples Otto without really realizing it.

Otto the Orange, eliminated. 14 players remain.

• Everyone else still in the cornucopia runs, drives, or gallops away. Four cannon sounds can be heard in the distance.

Cornucopia Bloodbath Aftermath

• The Blue Devil sets up camp. With limited kindling, they turn to the Stanford Tree, still standing stupidly where it rose up from the tube. He hacks away at the base, while Cimarron grazes nearby. It takes a while, but soon the tree topples.

The Tree, eliminated. 13 players remain.

• The fire is lit. The Blue Devil roasts a chunk of HokieBird meat over the blaze. The smoke rises.
• The Tiger (Clemson), smelling something good, stalks in that direction. It doesn’t engage yet.
• The Cavalier patrols, sword drawn. Unfortunately, this is when Buzz (Georgia Tech), still angry like most wasps are, and without a clear plan, decides to do something.
• Buzz flies straight into a gap in the Cavalier’s 17th-century outfit, the neck collar. He panics, but he cannot swat it away. Buzz stings him inside the suit once. Twice. Three times.
• The Cavalier collapses, gasping. Anaphylaxis.

The Cavalier, eliminated. 12 players remain.

• Buzz still cannot find a way out of the suit, as it landed awkwardly on the ground. This might be a problem.
• Demon Deacon (Wake Forest) parks the motorcycle and sets up a trap.
• Leprechaun (Notre Dame) finds a tree and sleeps high above the ground. In a sleeping bag. He’s eaten, and he’s feeling good. There is no explanation.
• Roc the Panther (Pittsburgh) is still furious about losing out on its prey.
• Mustang (SMU) finds a stream and drinks.
• Louie the Cardinal sits in a tree completely unfazed. Nobody wants bird meat right now.
• Mr & Ms. Wuf decide to call it a night. They’re too full to hunt again tonight.
• Baldwin the Eagle (Boston College) roosts in a tree. He sees the tiger, wolves, and the Leprechaun. He understands nothing, but he waits.
• A triumphant-sounding anthem plays across the arena.

THE FALLEN

• HokieBird
• Sebastian
• Rameses
• Otto
• The Tree
• The Cavalier

THE CONTENDERS

• Buzz
• Demon Deacon
• Louie
• Mr. and Ms. Wuf
• Cimarron
• The Tiger
• Roc
• Leprechaun
• Mustang
• Baldwin
• Blue Devil

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Day 2

• Buzz (Georgia Tech) spent the night buzzing inside the Cavalier’s (Virginia) now lifeless suit of armor. He is trapped between layers of leather and sweaty linen. He buzzes angrily, occasionally headbutting a brass button like a fool.
• No one can hear him. He will not escape. He will not feed. No point in even trying anymore.

Buzz, eliminated. 11 players remain.

• Louie the Cardinal (Louisville) flies from branch to branch, chirping here and there. He pauses near the corpse of the Cavalier. Some bugs have already started to work on his corpse. Louie feeds on those bugs.
• Golden Bear (California) wakes up and is hungry. It begins wandering toward where the fire had burned the night before. Bears remember smells.
• Cimarron (Florida State) does not sleep in one place twice. He eats the remnants of HokieBird. He sees movement in the trees and is startled.
• Demon Deacon (Wake Forest)’s motorcycle is parked, but the owner is foraging nearby. Thwip.
• A rock thrown by the Blue Devil (Duke) hits he bike’s rear wheel. Deacon freezes, but he runs away. He’s mad about that.
• Mr. & Ms. Wuf find the motorcycle. It smells like something they’ve never smelled before. They are confused.
• The Tiger (Clemson) circles the arena and has his eyes on Mustang (SMU). It watches the horse drink at the stream again. Horses are fast, but Tigers are faster in short bursts. It pounces.
• The Mustang whinnies, kicks, and bolts, but not fast enough. The Tiger catches a flank with a claw and drags the Mustang to the ground. There’s a brief struggle.

Mustang, eliminated. 10 players remain.

• The Tiger eats.
• Roc the Panther (Pittsburgh) hears this kill and hides in the bush. It’s not worth picking that fight. It moves softly toward the cornucopia. There it finds Ramblin’ Wreck.
• He naps in the driver’s seat. It does not understand what a car is. It lies down, nevertheless.
• Baldwin the Eagle (Boston College) soars and sees the wolf pair below. He does not challenge them. He sees Louie alone, though. He looks like easy pickings.
• Louie (Louisville) panics and takes off. Baldwin is faster. He catches Louie mid-air, and in one swoop...

Louie the Cardinal, eliminated. 9 players remain.

• The Leprechaun sits above his bear trap. Fate would deliver. The Blue Devil, probably doing eldritch nonsense to the other participants, steps directly into it like an idiot.
• Spikes stab his leg and foot, and he yelps in pain. The Leprechaun leaps down with his dagger, cackling. The Devil recovers fast, but the Leprechaun manages to land a blind stab by sheer luck. Then another.
• The Blue Devil grabs his throat, choking the life from him, and he is stunned just long enough for the Leprechaun to drive his dagger into his chest.
• Smoke erupts from the Blue Devil’s mouth.

Blue Devil, eliminated. 8 players remain.

• The Leprechaun lies in the dirt, wheezing hard. He doesn’t know how he lived. All that commotion, though, attracted the attention of Roc the Panther (Pittsburgh).
• The Leprechaun is mauled.

The Leprechaun, eliminated. 7 players remain.

• His luck ran out, it would seem.
• Cimarron takes refuge next to a large stone.
• Demon Deacon (Wake Forest) makes eye contact with Baldwin (Boston College). Both don’t particularly care for the other.
• Mr & Ms. Wuf (NC State) are restless. They know something is nearby. Or rather, someone.
• They stalk as Deacon walks through the bushes. He’s trying to make a trap, perhaps. He’s not very good at it. The sack of junk he found at the cornucopia rattles. He stops.
• Snap. Too late. Ms. Wuf lunges and bites down on his thigh. She’s fast, faster than she has any right to be. But Deacon reacts. He swings the monkey wrench wildly, nailing Mr. Wuf right between the eyes. Deacon screams as Ms. Wuf chomps on his side.
• Mr. Wuf tries to move, but he can’t seem to do so properly. She growls.
• Ms. Wuf’s teeth now sink into the Deacon’s side. A claw rips through his fabric, and Deacon begins to fade from his injuries. Silence follows.

Demon Deacon, eliminated. 6 players remain.

• But something is wrong. Mr. Wuf stumbles. He’s panting hard. There’s blood around his snout. Not Deacon’s. His own.
• Ms. Wuf grows softly. He growls back, confused.
• She lunges in instinct. Or perhaps it was panic? It doesn’t matter. Mr. Wuf accepts it. She holds until he stops moving.

Ms. Wuf, eliminated. 5 players remain.

• Elsewhere, Cimarron (Florida State) hears the howling. He doesn’t understand the meaning. He’s a horse.
• He moves deeper into the words. He’s startled by movement, but it’s only a completely unrelated rabbit. He decides to sleep off the panic.
• Night falls. Another anthem.

THE FALLEN

• HokieBird
• Sebastian
• Rameses
• Otto
• The Tree
• The Cavalier
• Ms. Wuf
• Buzz
• Demon Deacon
• Leprechaun
• Louie
• Blue Devil
• Mustang

THE CONTENDERS

• Mr. WufMustang
• Mr. Wuf
• Cimarron
• The Tiger
• Roc
• BaldwinMustang

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Day 3

• It’s a beautiful day until the sky flashes red. An artificial thunderclap booms from every direction, causing Cimarron to bolt, Mr. Wuf to snarl, the Tiger to freeze, Baldwin to fly away from his tree in fear, and Ramblin’ Wreck to not do anything as he is a car.
• “THE ZONE IS SHRINKING. GET TO THE CORNUCOPIA, OR YOU WILL BE ELIMINATED” plays for the humans to hear. But no human is alive.
• A ripple appears in the distance beyond the tree line. The arena’s perimeter is now shrinking thanks to a forcefield. Water evaporates, and rocks shimmer unnaturally. It is not meant to be natural.
• Baldwin the Eagle (Boston College), who had survived two full days by simply not doing much, soars through the air in a wide loop. He sees what looks like open space. A glistening wall is in the distance. He flies straight toward it. He does not understand technology. He hits it beak-first. He dies instantly, thudding against the barrier like a bird hitting a glass window in a sitcom.

Baldwin the Eagle, eliminated. 4 players remain.

• Cimarron (Florida State) is galloping blindly. He doesn’t know what a cornucopia is. He doesn’t know why the air now smells like ozone and smoke. He only knows he needs to move.
• Ramblin Wreck’ (Georgia Tech) hasn’t moved from the cornucopia. But the forcefield extends past the tubes where everyone rose. It begins to whine as the forcefield encapsulates it. Pressure builds. At the last second, a warning blares:
• “VEHICLE IS OUTSIDE PLAYABLE ZONE.”
• Then, KABOOM!
• A fireball lights up near the cornucopia, spooking Cimarron, The Tiger, and Mr. Wuf. In a fit of fear, The Tiger runs away, right into the forcefield. He is electrocuted.

Ramblin Wreck, eliminated. 3 players remain.

The Tiger, eliminated. 2 players remain.

• There is just a 20-yard ring of dirt surrounding the cornucopia of playable space.
• The blood of everyone who died here paints the battlefield. Well, the orange splatter is still there, too.
• Mr. Wuf (NC State), bruised, slow, but locked in. Eyes fixed. He limps forward, silent. It appears this is the end.
• Cimarron (Florida State), hooves cracked from sprinting across the wreckage. Every time the ground shakes, he bolts and circles. But there’s now nowhere to circle. The zone has enclosed them.
• They see each other. There is no thought. No plan. Only motion.
• Cimarron rears, whinnies, and charges full speed. Mr. Wuf growls, crouches, then launches into a full sprint. They’re 60 yards apart. Then 40. Then 20.
• Then...
• CRACK.
• Hoof meets jaw. Fang meets flesh. They collide with great force. Cimarron tramples Mr. Wuf beneath him, but not before Wuf clamps down on his foot. Cimarron bucks, but blood pours from his foot. He stumbles and collapses.
• Mr. Wuf is crushed by the impact. His ribcage no longer moves. Both lie motionless. No announcement.
• Silence.
• Seconds pass. A long drone plays overhead.
• “INITIATING TIEBREAKER PROTOCOL.”
• A jolt of electricity from the sky arcs into Mr. Wuf.

Mr. Wuf, eliminated.

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THE VICTOR

• Cimarron

THE FALLEN

• HokieBird
• Sebastian
• Rameses
• Otto
• The Tree
• The Cavalier
• Ms. Wuf
• Buzz
• Demon Deacon
• Leprechaun
• Louie
• Blue Devil
• Mustang
• The Tiger
• Roc
• Baldwin
• Mr. Wuf

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Amazon FanDuel PepsiCo Casino, Somewhere in the 51st State of West Nevada, year 2225

• “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! A HORSE?! A HORSE WON?!” screams a guy named Mitch, who placed a six-leg parlay ending in Mr. Wuf to win outright.
• “Stupid thing only won because it’s a Florida State website,” says Berry. He walks out and walks over to the SEC hub for gambling.
• “I had Tiger top-3 and Baldwin to win. Tell me how I lose to a lawn ornament!” says @BCSUPERFAN2200 on X. He gets suspended a week later after threatening the arena designers.
• “I watched an ORANGE get squished day one and thought there’s no way my favorite cavalier will die. HE LOST TO A BEE. im furious” says @josephmama on X. Included in this post is a picture of a shredded betting slip and a tray of wings, not eaten but quite clearly stomped on repeatedly.

Lamentation.

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Hope City Casino, somewhere in the middle of the ocean once where Miami, Florida was, year 2225

• “WOOOOOOOOOOO! I LOVE YOU CIMARRON!”
• “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
• “LET’S GOOOOOOOOO!”

Jubilation.

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Raleigh II, North Carolina, 10:47 P.M.

The streets are quiet. Kevin wears his No. Negative 15 NC State jersey with a thousand-yard stare. His two-leg parlay is dead. His pride is gone. His wallet contains 59 North Carolina dollars (worth approximately $1.11 in today’s money) and a receipt for fireball shots he doesn’t remember ordering.

He gets home. His five roommates are asleep, but the television is still on.

Kevin slumps into his coach and grabs the remote. Maybe a nature documentary will dull the pain. Maybe the coverage of the Fantastic 512 portion of the newly expanded NCAA tournament on ESPN 9 will bring him joy. Oh, to see NC State take down the Illinois State Institute of Technology of Indiana and advance to the Terrific 256.

The SEC Network comes up on channel 62051.

“Welcome back, folks! We are now entering the third hour of the SEC mascot gauntlet, where only 11 players remain after the Vanderbilt Commodore fist fought the Ole Miss Rebel!”

“Is that... the Florida Gator trying to run from the Western Kentucky Hilltopper?!”

“Yes it is, Joe! Yes it is!”

“OUT OF NOWHERE FOLKS, COMES THE...”

Brandon shuts the TV off. He stands in the dark and whispers to himself.

“I bet on the wrong conference.”

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