The Twins won despite only getting one run, in an inning where they didn’t get one hit. Zebby Matthews made a strong, strong case for being the youngling pitcher left standing after the (hopefully) eminent returns of Bailey Ober and Pablo López. Nationals ace MacKenzie Cole walked a bazillion Twins and they didn’t get to him as much as you’d like, but it was enough. Inning-by-inning notes:
1: The Nationals have a player named James Wood. The actor James Woods was in a movie called Rudy. Not the football
one with Sean Astin. A 2003 USA Network TV movie called Rudy: The Rudy Giuliani Story. No joke: that thing exists. Non-Rudy James Wood strikes out.
A one-out single by Ryan Jeffers and a two-out walk to Willi Castro sets Royce Lewis up for some RBI magic... nope. He hit it hard, but not squarely, and it dies before the warning track.
2: Zebby at 24 pitches and 3 Ks after two innings. That’s more like the prospect we’d been hoping for.
Two walks to lead things off for the Twins... then a Matt Wallner flyout and Brooks Lee GIDP. Four juicy LOBsters so far.
3: Three outs on nine pitches for Zebby, but not an immaculate inning — two grounders and a fly.
Buxton hit one to the bullpen. But not IN the bullpen. Towards and in front of it, where it is not a home run. Unfortunately, Mr. Gore is settling down. We need a player named Buckley to rile him up.
4: Luis García Jr. breaks up the no-hitter with a two-out double, but nothing comes of it.
You know what’s more annoying than your dog barking at squirrels and rabbits? When your dog catches one. We’re dogsitting, and the dog — a very good dog — caught a rabbit yesterday. First off, Mrs. James had to pry the rabbit from the beast’s jaws, by which point it was completely dead of a heart attack. Next, she had to get a shovel and scoop the dead bunny into a garbage bag. Then the garbage bag went into the garbage bin, where it won’t get picked up for four days in this weather. It’s gonna STINK.
Where was I in all this? Holding the dog, which was itching to chew some more rabbit hide. Plus, I got grossed out trying to put the rabbit’s body on the shovel, the way it flopped around. So we switched places and I held the dog.
What? You want me to write about baseball? NOTHING IS HAPPENING in the baseball.
5: Nothing continues to happen. So let’s look at Famous Zebulons...
Zebulon Vance was a politician, considered somewhat progressive in his day, and one who spoke out against antisemitism. Good! He was also a slaveowner and a Confederate officer, so bad.
Per Wiki: “‘While a youth, Vance broke his thigh when he fell from a tree. This was treated by confining Vance in a box, as was common medical care at the time. As a result of this injury, his right leg was shorter, requiring him to wear a taller heel on the right shoe. Even so, it was said that Vance had “a peculiar and slightly ambling gait.’”
Why a box? Still, it’s better than owning slaves.
Hey, action! Two one-out walks, and the second’s a wild pitch, allowing Matt Wallner to reach third. Buxton up. Sac fly to left! The Twins FINALLY score (after six walks by Gore). Twins 1-0
6: Zebulon Pike was an American explorer and Army General. Pike’s Peak in Colorado is named after him. He was killed in 1813, when the retreating British blew up their stores of gunpowder and Zebby was too close. It was in an attack on Fort York, which is now part of Toronto. The moral of this story is, don’t invade Toronto.
A Correa single and Royce Lewis double puts runners on second and third for Harrison Bader... new pitcher Cole Henry strikes him out. He plunks Ty France to load ‘em up. NEW new pitcher Konnor Pilkington induces a harmless flyout. More juicy LOBsters, seven so far.
7: Zebby gone, after six terrific innings and only 81 pitches. Don’t want to overstretch a youngun, I understand. But this means no more Zebulon stories. I’m sure you’ll all be deeply disappointed. It’s Danny Coulombe instead, not named after scientist Charles-Augustin de Coulomb. Coulomb was “put in charge of building the new Fort Bourbon and this task occupied him until June 1772. His health suffered setbacks” and, yeah, living in bourbon will do that to you. Danny C. does fine.
8: So does CAPT. Griffin Jax, USAF, although he certainly does his best Eddie Guardado impression in the process.
Jose A. Ferrer pitching for Washington, and he’s got rapier-like precision, striking out Correa by a nose. These are both references to famous actor José Ferrer, BTW. If you don’t know who José Ferrer was, he was a very good actor who was married to singer Rosemary Clooney TWICE. They got divorced, and remarried. So he was a two-time uncle to George Clooney. And George Clooney, like his uncle, is a very good actor... but he wouldn’t have been a good fit for the part of Cyrano.
9: Jhoan “Hungry Like The Wolf” Duran comes in and makes it look easy, Twims wim! (Yes, we spell it weird here, on purpose, you two or three newsfeed readers... and thanks for reading, all two or three of you!)
Studs of the game: DUH. Daniel Zebulon Matthews. The Twins defense for not being bad. The bullpen for not being bad.
Duds: the bizarre astrological phenomenon that made it virtually impossible for Twins bats to work most of the night, it was in the Stars, folks. (The Twins wore their old “M” hats that kind of look like the Scorpio symbol. I don’t actually advise making decisions based on the stars unless you are navigating a boat and your GPS got broke.)
COTG goes to sandwiches for ‘“Gladden: “ ..those CRACKERS shaped like a FISH!” Goldfish, Danny. Goldfish. I love him’” and Nagurskiinnortheast for reminding us that bigots are often “chickens*** bootlicking cowards,” which is true.
Tomorrow’s game is at 6:20, and features something called a Mitchell Parker up against our own muchly-loved Joe Ryan. Catch ya then, maybe!
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