The Constant Scapegoat
Motherhood, far from being a simple role, is laden with intricate challenges that are often overlooked or deliberately decontextualized, leading to generational
injustices against mothers. Whether it's a child's anxiety, behavioural issues, or academic struggles, the immediate inclination is to attribute fault to the mother. This pattern is evident in everyday conversations, family therapy sessions, and school parent-teacher meetings, where mothers are frequently singled out. The cultural narrative, deeply ingrained in sayings that oscillate between excessive pampering and a lack of maternal affection, consistently positions mothers as either too much or too little, never just right. This pervasive blame extends to working mothers and stay-at-home mothers alike, with each group facing unique criticisms, and even women who cannot or choose not to have children are subjected to a disheartening form of shame. This relentless scrutiny can be exhausting, as mothers are expected to navigate a minefield of judgments and labels, shifting from one stereotype to another based on external perceptions.
Patriarchy's Subtle Grip
The pervasive 'mothers are at fault' discourse has been deeply internalized by countless mothers, leading to feelings of personal failure. However, this is not an individual failing but rather a manifestation of the politics of motherhood, intricately woven into the fabric of patriarchal structures. Patriarchy operates as a cunning shape-shifter, infiltrating cultural norms, language, institutions, and the very definition of an 'ideal' mother. The societal expectation is for mothers to be inherently selfless and to live solely for their children, a script many strive to embody. Observing daily life, it becomes clear who manages the bulk of childcare and domestic responsibilities, often an invisible labour that goes unacknowledged. This ingrained expectation leads to self-erasure and everyday drudgery, largely left unnamed. Even historical psychological concepts, like 'refrigerator mothers' to explain autism or 'schizophrenogenic mothers' for schizophrenia, highlight a past where mothers were readily blamed. Modern iterations, though perhaps disguised in therapeutic jargon on social media, continue this trend by labeling mothers as 'toxic' or 'narcissistic,' perpetuating the concept of a 'mother wound' without addressing the systemic issues at play.
Weaponizing Psychology
Contemporary trends in attachment theory, while presented as tools for understanding relationships, often inadvertently weaponize psychological concepts against mothers. Terms like 'anxious attachment,' 'avoidant attachment,' and 'ambivalent attachment' are frequently used, with mothers often bearing the brunt of the blame for these styles. This is particularly disheartening because these labels, borrowed from psychology, can be quietly turned into tools for criticism, rather than support, for the very women they are intended to help. Compounding this issue is the unfortunate reality that women themselves sometimes engage in policing each other, contributing to a cycle of judgment. Instead of offering solidarity, there's a tendency to internalize societal pressures and then direct them towards other mothers. This dynamic can create significant divides, particularly between mothers and daughters during the teenage years, a critical period when mutual support is most needed. Both mother and daughter can find themselves caught in the same patriarchal currents, often struggling against each other rather than as allies.
Healing Through Kinship
A poignant example illustrates the profound impact of understanding a mother's past. Saina, a young woman, initially harboured deep resentment towards her mother for perceived absence during her childhood and for not leaving an abusive father. However, during a family therapy session, when Saina's mother shared her own difficult history – a childhood of feeling unwanted, an early marriage, and subsequent struggles with depression that impacted her parenting – something shifted. The mother's tears revealed the immense pain she had endured, and her sigh, 'My children had to pay the price for my depression,' highlighted the complex interplay of personal struggles and their effect on family dynamics. The session implicitly raised a question: if fathers were to share parenting and household duties equally, would mothers still face such profound challenges, including depression? Hearing her mother's story had a transformative effect on Saina, leading to increased communication and connection between them. This demonstrates that healing is often achieved through shared understanding and kinship, rather than isolation, unraveling decades of pain and fostering a lighter, more connected relationship.
Beyond Superficial Celebration
As Mother's Day approaches, it's crucial to move beyond superficial celebrations and engage in meaningful actions that challenge the ingrained injustices mothers face. The tendency to decontextualize the complexities of motherhood and assign blame perpetuates a cycle of unfairness that has impacted generations. True support requires more than just celebratory messages; it involves actively sharing the care burden, interrupting casual blame, and refusing to participate in jokes at a mother's expense. It means standing in solidarity with mothers who are being judged and actively working to shift the prevailing narrative. By fostering empathy, recognizing the invisible labour, and advocating for shared responsibility, we can begin to dismantle the patriarchal structures that unfairly burden mothers and create a more equitable and understanding society for all.
