A Changed Perspective
Returning to India after an extended period abroad, a traveler anticipated a deeply emotional reunion filled with comforting familiarity, delicious food,
and cherished family connections. However, this journey, intended to rekindle roots, ultimately brought unexpected clarity. After 16 years living overseas, the experience revealed a profound shift in her perspective. Posting her thoughts in an online forum, she stated, "I don't hate India. But I also don't think it's my home anymore." This wasn't due to a singular negative event, but rather a convergence of various observations and feelings. The trip crystallized her realization that a permanent move back was no longer feasible. She described experiencing unanticipated anger and resentment towards the environment, societal systems, and even close relationships, acknowledging that while not constant, these feelings were significant enough to prompt introspection and highlight how much she had evolved away from her upbringing.
Societal Interactions Unveiled
A significant point of unease for the traveler was observing everyday social behaviors, particularly the casual treatment of women and the dynamic between husbands and wives. She found herself increasingly disturbed by what she perceived as constant shouting, disregard for personal space in queues, and what felt like emotional volatility in interactions. This discomfort was amplified by her experience as a mother raising two sons, as she felt these normalized dynamics were not in alignment with her personal values. Beyond interpersonal interactions, the pervasive reliance on domestic help and informal labor presented another challenge. While recognizing the employment opportunities this provided, the traveler expressed discomfort with the perceived imbalance of power and occasional issues with reliability, noting that even minor tasks required multiple individuals, hindering any sense of autonomy. This societal structure felt foreign and less efficient compared to her life abroad.
Daily Life Challenges
The daily realities of navigating India proved to be mentally and physically taxing for the returning traveler. The traffic and driving culture, characterized by a perceived lack of rules, unpredictability, and incessant honking, kept her nervous system perpetually on edge. Compounding this sensory overload were the prevailing pollution and dust, which, alongside mosquito bites, contributed to a physically draining experience. She reported suffering from a cold, cough, and breathing difficulties for the majority of her stay. Even the sustenance of food, often a powerful anchor of comfort and nostalgia for those in the Indian diaspora, presented unexpected complications. While convenience apps offered speed, the quality was inconsistent, with instances of purchasing stale products for a considerable price. Achieving a balanced meal, defined by an equitable distribution of protein, fiber, carbohydrates, and fats, was surprisingly difficult. The abundance of heavy carbohydrates, butter, and ghee made it easy to fall into unhealthy eating habits without conscious effort, further adding to the physical toll.
Systemic Frustrations
Beyond the immediate sensory and social challenges, the traveler encountered significant frustrations with various systemic issues. She described what she termed 'emotional performativeness,' where expressions of care felt exaggerated or insincere, leading to a draining experience of people playing with feelings without genuine engagement. Small domestic habits, like clutter and hoarding, also stood out as symbolic of differences. Furthermore, the expectation to constantly attend social gatherings and engage in extensive family interactions felt overwhelming for someone who no longer identified as highly social. Bureaucratic hurdles added another layer of difficulty. She recounted a prolonged banking issue involving INR 30,000 tied to a dormant account, which had been an eight-year struggle with no resolution or accountability. Similar experiences with insurance claims proved to be equally circular and time-consuming. Even public infrastructure presented a quandary, such as paying to use often unclean public toilets via cash or UPI, leaving her conflicted about whether to be annoyed by the charge or grateful for digital payment acceptance.
A Nuanced Conclusion
Despite the considerable challenges, the traveler was keen to emphasize that her feelings were not born of hatred for India. She acknowledged the undeniable positives, including the warmth of family connections, the richness of the culture, the comfort of familiarity, and the joy of witnessing her children bond with their grandparents. These aspects were deeply meaningful and certainly not dismissed. However, when weighing the pros and cons, the cumulative weight of the negative experiences felt heavier during this visit. The overwhelming sensory input, the detrimental impact on her health, the emotional exhaustion, and the fundamental mismatch in values regarding her desired lifestyle and how she wished to raise her children led to her conclusion. This journey did not evoke the expected nostalgia but instead provided a crucial recalibration of perspective. Ultimately, she concluded, "I don't hate India. But I also don't think it's my home anymore," signifying a profound personal evolution and a redefined sense of belonging.
