What's Happening?
Stanford researchers have introduced the term 'mankeeping' to describe the emotional labor women often undertake to maintain men's social lives and emotional well-being. This can include tasks such as organizing a partner's social calendar, purchasing
birthday cards for his friends, or providing primary emotional support without receiving similar efforts in return. The concept, though not new in practice, has gained recent attention, with experts suggesting it may be on the rise as women now have a specific term to identify this behavior. A Seattle woman, for instance, found herself planning her retired husband's social engagements, acknowledging occasional annoyance but also recognizing her husband's contributions in other areas. Licensed marriage and family therapist Dayae Kim notes that while the behavior isn't new, having a term for it allows women to name and recognize it more readily. Brie Temple, chief commercial officer of matchmaking service Tawkify, identifies signs of 'mankeeping' as becoming 'the planner, the feeler, the fixer, and the emotional manager' in a relationship.
Why It's Important?
The concept of 'mankeeping' is important as it sheds light on a significant, often unacknowledged, form of gender inequality within relationships, potentially leading to burnout for women. Psychotherapist Sanya Bari suggests that what is often mislabeled as 'relationship problems' can actually be burnout from carrying an excessive emotional load. This imbalance is partly attributed to research from Pew indicating that men's friendships tend to be less personal than women's, and some men may not feel the need to develop strong emotional skills or friendships independently. When women consistently manage their partners' social and emotional lives, it can prevent men from developing these crucial skills themselves. This dynamic can create an unsustainable burden on women, impacting their mental and emotional health, and potentially leading to resentment and dissatisfaction within the relationship. The discussion around 'mankeeping' encourages a re-evaluation of traditional gender roles and expectations in partnerships.
What's Next?
To address the issues raised by 'mankeeping,' experts recommend open and honest communication between partners. Therapists suggest using 'I statements' to express feelings and needs without assigning blame. The goal is to share the emotional and social load more equitably, from planning social outings to checking in on friends. Encouraging male partners to build their own support systems, whether through friendships, clubs, or therapy, is also a key step. Additionally, psychotherapist Sanya Bari advises allowing partners to experience discomfort rather than buffering it, which can motivate them to take more responsibility for their emotional lives. While significant change may take time, therapist Kristen Mosier emphasizes that small, consistent efforts can lead to a substantial equalization of this dynamic, fostering healthier and more balanced relationships.
Beyond the Headlines
The emergence and discussion of 'mankeeping' highlight deeper societal implications regarding gender roles, emotional labor, and the evolving nature of relationships in the U.S. It underscores a cultural expectation that women are often the primary caregivers and emotional managers, not just within families but also in maintaining social connections. This phenomenon can perpetuate a cycle where men may not develop robust independent social and emotional coping mechanisms, relying instead on their female partners. The conversation around 'mankeeping' challenges traditional masculinity, which often discourages men from expressing vulnerability or actively cultivating deep friendships. Recognizing and naming this behavior is a crucial step towards fostering more equitable partnerships and encouraging men to take greater ownership of their emotional and social lives, ultimately leading to healthier individuals and relationships.
