On Saturday Night Live, vaccine skeptic Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced some worrisome changes to how Americans should think of cold and flu season.
Kennedy (James Austin Johnson) was introduced by Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth (Colin Jost), who was addressing
USS Lincoln sailors returning to the states after their prolonged time at sea near Iran—a mission that reportedly saw several attempted suicides amid deteriorating conditions on the ship.
“Now I realize you all returned home with a ship-full of weapons-grade diarrhea, but your health is of our utmost concern, starting…now,” the Defense secretary said. “So, here with an overview of how he’s making American healthy again is the only guy who snorts more Rhinohorn than me.”
Kennedy, speaking shakily due to his spasmodic dysphonia, insisted—unconvincingly—that America “is healthier than ever.”
“That’s why I’d officially like to rename cold and flu season to: cold and flu and listeria and measles and trenchbrain season,” he said, amid the country’s worst year of measles since 1991. “We’re also looking into something called testicular dementia.”
Kennedy continued: “And, yes, 200,000 pounds of pork, beef and goat meat have been recalled, but I just want to stress that catfish, pony and cricket are viable proteins for any American family. But I want to thank you. We were able to spot those recalls early by testing the meats on your ship. The research you provided on Operation Hellcruise will be vital for years to come.”
Kennedy, while attempting his concluding remarks, seemed to glitch—then suddenly adopted a previously unheard voice: “And it’s been my esteemed pleasure to speak with you.”
Hegseth continued on—but not before commenting how he’s looking forward to having “a really sad pullup contest with that guy later.”
“So, in conclusion, you guys spent over 300 days on the USS Lincoln. Well, let me quote Lincoln—Park,” he said. “‘You tried so hard and got so far, but in the end it doesn’t even matter.'”
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