On Saturday Night Live, Republican operatives struggled to find a suitable candidate to encourage voter turnout one month out from the midterms, auditioning Marco Rubio, JD Vance, Mitch McConnell, Pete Hegseth and, finally, Donald Trump. But none delivered
the goods.
Rubio (Marcello Hernandez), in an effort to appeal to Hispanics turned off by two years of Trump, delivers a message in Spanish: “Oh my God, he tricked us! And he tricked me too!”
Vance (Jeremy Culhane) then enters the room confidently before a GOP consultant (Andrew Dismukes) snubs him: “Mr. Vice President, could you go in the hall and get the next person?”
Vance rolls out wheelchair-bound McConnell (Mikey Day), who can only sit there with a frozen expression. He eventually manages to hold up a peace sign, and when prompted to say his line, responds hoarsely: “Live from New York, it’s Sat—”
But that’s the wrong line, the other consultant (Ashley Padilla) tells him, as Vance pushes him violently off stage.
The vice president then lobbies for his own shot at delivering a message to disillusioned voters. It lasts four words.
“Hi, I’m JD Vance,” is all he is able to get out before being cut off, mocked as a “superstar,” and told to leave.
Next, in comes Hegseth (Colin Jost), chugging a non-alcoholic beer.
“Listen up you patriots: I need you to do the gayest thing ever and vote,” he begins, before proudly recapping his speech to troops this week in the form of slam poetry about having “no fatties, no trannies, no beardos, no weirdos, no wimps, no radicals” in the military. “And we’re religious now. Yeah, I’m putting ‘God’ back in war and it’s working. Our soldiers are praying a lot more than they used to. I’m always hearing them say, ‘Dear God, why?'”
“In conclusion, vote—I guess?” he says. “And remember, if you’re stationed overseas, you can still vote by mail. And that’s the only ‘bi male’ I’m cool with.”
The GOP operatives seem the most pleased with Hegseth’s pitch, but one more candidate gives it a go: Trump.
“I’m President Trump and I approve this ramble. We’re getting boned out there! But not for long, because I have a solution,” he says, referring to his de facto bribe of $5,000 per person if the GOP holds the House and Senate. “And that is not a bribe because I have no intention of following through on that promise.”
After telling people to just pretend he’s on the ballot, Trump trashes one of the Senate candidates he endorsed, Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton, and then records a victory message just in case Republicans are successful in the midterms: “We did it! We won! Nobody has ever won so much before!”
His “losing” message, it turns out, is the same.
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