Cold Case is putting out a real Liquid Death vibe. These aren't just regular flavors for traditional sweets or flavored water. They're EXTREME FLAVORS that will KILL YOU to DEATH. TO DEATH, BRO.
But that's fine. It's fun. There's something gratifying about asking your daughter if she would prefer a scoop of Summer Camp Massacre or Illegal Fireworks, even if the conversations that follow are a bit more uncomfortable that pulling out a pint of Ben & Jerry's. The flavors behind those names live up to the boldness of the label. Sending them out with an evidence collection bag and a golden shovel spoon? A nice, albeit creepy, touch.
The presentation works because it goes full throttle into the gimmick. Of course, none of that will matter if it doesn't
taste good.
Let's see what we've got.
lllegal Fireworks: A-
We're starting with cake batter and something similar to but legally distinct from Pop Rocks. It looks lovely and patriotic in its container, a serene vanilla white speckled with red and blue candy dots.
The first bite is clean cake batter vanilla. Sweet and creamy. Some of the Pop Rock-ish pieces get crushed under your teeth and quickly fizzle. Others stick to your tongue and get popping, lingering long after the dessert has melted in your mouth. It's a nice way to slow me down so I both appreciate the treat and fail to crush the entire carton in one sitting.
The bites can be a little uneven when it comes to that candy coating. The good news is the ice cream itself is strong enough to stand on its own.
Cookie Mobster: A
There are a ton of cookies jammed into this one. I respect the hustle. Oreos (off-brand), frosted animal crackers and cookie dough are swirled through blue moon ice cream. Again, the ice cream itself is dense, creamy and delicious.
The cookies, however, send it to the next level. While they've all softened to the point there's very little crunch left, they've got enough of a texture difference to make this dance on your tongue. It's loaded like the best kinds of Culver's Flavors of the Day, only the ice cream underneath goes above and beyond that (very good) fast food custard.
The result is indulgent. There's sweet-on-sweet, and a little goes a long way in rewarding fashion. I'm not going to crush a full 1,140-calorie pint of this, which is good. But it took about two days for my daughter and I (her review: "Whoa, cookies") to polish it off.
Summer Camp Massacre: B
This one scoops... gooily. Like it's slightly melted. I'll have to go back and ensure my freezer was closed today, but since all my ice cubes are intact I'm willing to entertain the idea the brown sugar affects the texture of the cream.
On top of that, it's much stickier than the first two flavors. It's a unique mouthfeel that isn't bad but is different. But the ice cream itself is rich and sweet, as you'd expect. The brown sugar adds a little extra edge to the base layer. The chocolate is much more prevalent than the marshmallow, popping up to provide a nice firm counterbalance to that mushy, sticky structure.
I can taste the graham cracker, but I can't feel it on my tongue. The marshmallow comes through in a few gloopy droplets, which does give off the smores vibe for which the pint is aiming. It's tasty, feels like a premium scoop and delivers on the promise of its label. The texture knocks it down for me, but it's still good.
After ensuring the freezer door was shut, the consistency remained that of uncooked cookie dough, but very cold. It's fine.
Cereal Killer: B-
I love a good Muddy Buddy, and this flavor promises plenty. But while the ice cream is a delicious chocolate peanut butter, the Chex pieces inside are a bit of a letdown. They've lost the battle against sogginess. Instead of being a crisp rejoinder to the dense, sweet cream, they're a bit grainy and soft.
While the cereal pieces work well with the flavor, that texture is disappointing. Not disappointing enough for me to stop eating -- I crushed about half the carton in seven minutes -- but enough to remind you this could be better. This is a flavor that would work great with live mix-ins (Culver's, get on it), but in pint form it falls short.
Blackmail: A-
I'm not familiar with sweet ash ice cream, but this looks like squid ink. Black with a shiny crystalized sheen. That deep sea surface gives way to light swirls of marshmallow and Oreo -- er, "chocolate sandwich cookie" goo.
The first bite gives way to a rich cookies and cream experience. The marshmallow provides an added layer of sweetness that vibes with the slightly gritty but ultimately tasty ash ice cream. You're left with the negative still of a picture of Oreo ice cream. The sandwich cookies are dense, delicious and well represented, going above and beyond even the most well-tipped Cold Stone cream-slinger.
That makes it rich and sugary, but balanced enough not to lead to taste fatigue. Or, at the very least, not until you start digging down toward the bottom of the pint in a single serving.
Flight Risk: B+
This is the most basic of the flavors. But I'm intrigued by this vanilla ice cream/cookie butter combination, mostly because I don't really know what cookie butter is.
Like the Cereal Killer, it's a bit grainy, showcasing Cold Case's two poles between too soft and too gritty. It doesn't affect the taste though. The vanilla is rich and creamy. The cookie butter tastes like crunchy bits of graham cracker and sugar cookie blended together.
That's about all there is to it, but it's all you need. It's a satisfying sweet, with a nice balance of textures even with that modest graininess.
Would I eat it instead of a Hamm's?
This a pass/fail mechanism where I compare whatever I’m drinking (or eating) to my baseline cheap beer. That’s the standby from the land of sky-blue waters, Hamm’s. So the question to answer is: on a typical day, would I eat Cold Case's ice creams over a cold can of Hamm’s?
Yep. Even when the texture is a bit off, the flavors are rich and rewarding. Cold Case doesn't skimp on the fixin's. The varieties are creative and, more importantly, taste great.
This is part of FTW’s Beverage of the Week series. Here, we mostly chronicle and review beers, but happily expand that scope to any beverage that pairs well with sports. Yes, even cookie dough whiskey.
This article originally appeared on For The Win: Cold Case Ice Cream review: Great flavors, weird names and some texture issues
