Welcome to the land of Louisiana! Where crawfish are crawfish, “crawdad” will get you a “you’re not from around here, but we’ll tolerate you” look, and “crayfish” will get you a “where in God’s name did you come from, and how quickly can you go back there” stare.
The Pelican State ought to have some of the greatest music ever written representing it. Unfortunately, no one else rose to the task of writing about it, which means you’re stuck with my nonsense. Strap in, because I’m stupid and we’re doing
this anyway!
Previous Result
See our list of all previous winners.
Boots Randolph’s “Yakety Sax” came from behind to knock off Loretta Lynn’s “Coal Miner’s Daughter,” so basically the most Anchor of Gold result possible. Actually the most Anchor of Gold result would probably be a bunch of Appalachian mountain men yodeling the Kentucky state song, but that wasn’t an option.
The Songs
1.) Ernie K-Doe – Mother in Law
Awwwww yeah, this shot straight to #1 on the Billboard charts in 1961. Allen Toussaint’s honky tonk piano and production. Benny Spellman’s bass voice that could rattle a window. And the greatest lyrics ever written. Did I mention the greatest lyrics ever written? Well they are.
Let’s talk about Allen Toussaint for a second, because that dude was one of the most underrated creative forces of our time. This? LaBelle’s “Lady Marmalade”? Glen Campbell’s “Southern Nights?” Lee Dorsey’s “Working in a Coal Mine”? “Whipped Cream,” which Herb Alpert turned into the theme for the freaking Dating Game? It’s not just the quantity, it’s the absolutely absurd variety.
But really, “She think her advice is a contribution, but if she would leave that would be the solution. And don’t come back no more.” Amazing. Poetry really.
2.) Hank Williams – Jambalaya (on the Bayou)
Some would technically call this a cheat, but feh. After getting rejected by the Opry, Hank signed on with the Louisiana Hayride in Shreveport, which was the Opry’s biggest rival at the time. The Opry picked up him a year later, in 1949, where he had to play six encores of “Lovesick Blues” in his debut. (Seriously. SIX ENCORES. I mean, what. How is that even a thing.)
After he got booted from the Opry in 1952 for “habitual drunkenness” (sigh) and missing shows, he was welcomed by the Louisiana Hayride. And then he was dead four months later at age 29, which kind of makes me wonder what I’ve done with my own life.
All of that to say this isn’t just the quintessential Hank Williams tribute to Louisiana — he actually took the tune from an actual Cajun song called “Grand Texas.” And here’s a bonus video of that, so there you go.
3.) Clifton Chenier – Zydeco Sont Pas Salés
You know what gets a song included in this contest? The lead singer standing in front of a crowd and saying “This is my brother Cleveland on washboard.” That is easily the best sentence ever spoken.
And accordion. Accordion gets you in too. (And drummer Robert from Louisiana.)
Anyway, this basically translates as “The Snap Beans Ain’t Salty.” It’s a lament that times are hard and he’s broke. If he wasn’t, there’d be some salt pork or other meat (or at least some, you know, salt) mixed in the pot. Not that you’d ever know it how from unbelievably happy he looks just to be alive, to say nothing of the music itself.
4.) Mahalia Jackson – Joshua Fit the Battle of Jericho
You know what else gets you included in this contest? Friggin’ Nat King Cole standing up on national television and calling you the world’s greatest gospel singer.
I know the walls of Jericho collapsed with a shout, but I’m pretty sure Mahalia Jackson could’ve just sang the walls to the ground. And probably converted the heathen Canaanites while she was at it, which would’ve saved a lot of trouble later on, come to think of it.
I don’t know why the uploader disabled embedding for her TV appearance with Nat King Cole (2.3 million views!), but click that link and listen to that version. She’s somehow even more forceful doing it live than in studio. I’m honestly speechless. Tremendous.
You know, we need an entry that’s not as old as our parents:
5.) Britney Spears, Baby One More Time
Oh screw it, I hate myself and…1.1 BILLION views? I’m sorry, where was I?
You know good and well this is what planted the seeds in Young Tom’s mind that later sprouted into him putting Alexandra Stan into Anchor Drops, and listening to Sabrina Carpenter’s “Manchild” for four hours straight or whatever it was instead of watching the second half of the Virginia Tech game.
She’s from Kentwood. It counts. Enjoy your final entry.
(squee)
Honorable Mentions
Lil Wayne – Lollipop
Remember when right after this came out, a bunch of radio station trolls actually convinced half the Internet that Kidz Bop had released a version of it? Good times! And then we wondered how people could ever be susceptible to AI brainrot.
Al Hirt, Java
More Allen Toussaint genius! That’s Floyd Cramer on piano and Boots Randolph on saxophone, so this is as fresh as it gets. I have NO idea what’s going with the dancers, but I’m extremely glad they’re there. The “Java” is definitely supposed to represent coffee percolating, but I’m pretty sure the dancers aren’t doing anything related to the island of Java either. I’ve said this a lot, but let’s just go with it. It was the 1960s. People just did whatever.
Did you know Al Hirt also played four Super Bowl halftimes, including the very first one? No fooling! He also played Super Bowls IV, VI, and XII, all in New Orleans.
Who says these posts aren’t educational? (“Everyone.” “I know.”)
Speaking of educational hits from 1964:
Louis Armstrong, Hello Dolly
February 1964: The British Invasion kicks off, as the Beatles stranglehold the #1 spot on the Billboard charts for 14 weeks in a row with “I Want to Hold Your Hand,” “She Loves You,” and “Can’t Buy Me Love.” Who can possibly put a stop to their tyrannical, mop-topped reign?
That’s right baby, SIXTY-TWO year old Satchmo with this gem.
And then Lorne Greene had a #1 song, because it was the 1960s, and people just did whatever. (“Ben Cartwright from Bonanza?!” “Yes.”)
I sincerely hope every single one of you finds someone that makes you smile as radiantly as Louis Armstrong.
Vote in the Polls
Apparently setting these to automatically close continues to work! Let’s see how long this continues to last before our vague competence runs into a brick wall.
