We are in the top four! They bottled it, the absolute chokers bottled it! We will never lose again!
Now, we shouldn’t quite be stamping our brand new Juventus kits with the starred football logo of the Champions League just quite yet. Yes, the five-point gap to Como is a lot more comfortable that I think most of us expected a few weeks ago, but this team is still very capable of blowing this lead in the final few games.
To their credit, Juventus find themselves in a nice little streak of results with
four wins in their last five games, and while it hasn’t be a murderers’ row of opponents they do deserve credit for a nice stretch in the business end of the season and taking advantage of Como beefing a potentially historic Champions League qualification.
(It has been admittedly very funny to see the upstart Cinderella eat it in the last few weeks. It’s not only us! Other teams can suck, too!)
The scheduling gods have benefited the Bianconeri with a favorable back-end of the season and time will tell if they can avoid the catastrophic Conference League scenario we were all dreading a couple of weeks ago.
Let’s cook.
#SpalletiIn
Despite still not quite clinching their ticket to Champions League football next season, Juventus announced they are sticking with Luciano Spalletti for the 2026-27 campaign and beyond as they inked him to a deal that should see him lead the club into 2028.
I have mixed feelings about this. I understand wanting some stability moving forward — especially after back to back seasons in which you fired a coach in late-October like Juve did with Igor Tudor. Perhaps having a fourth coach in about 2 1/2 year was simply a non-starter for Juventus, and that’s not an unreasonable way of going about it.
Spalletti has had success before and he’s just two years removed from leading a truly stupendous Napoli team to the title. Sure, he crashed and burned managing the Italian national team, but at this point, who hasn’t? I’m willing to overlook that.
Juventus has shown flashes of improving and more cohesive play while currently in position to secure European football. The bet here is that with more time running the team and a full summer of getting more players suited to his style, Spalletti can deliver better results than what we have seen in recent years. I feel better about this than the Igor Tudor appointment, I’ll say that much.
Then again, we cannot just sweep under the rug the very legitimate failures of the Spalletti era so far. Yes, he took the team in disarray after the firing of Tudor, but it’s not like he’s barely finding his parking spot at Continassa. Spalletti has coached more than 30 matches for the team and not all of them have been good. He was in charge for Juve’s embarrassing Coppa Italia elimination when they got blown about by Atalanta in the quarterfinals. He was in charge for the disaster class against Galatasaray in Turkey, a game that showed a team that was as mentally and tactically fragile as we have seen recently. He averages 1.97 points per game — that’s decent, but not great.
(For context and just to get the comment section riled up. Washed up, dinosaur, choker, shell of a manager Max Allegri averaged 1.95 in 37 games. Almost the exact goddamned same.)
My point? This is far from a slam dunk appointment, and while I have hope that Spalletti can be the guy to finally turn this ship around, I do want everyone to remember that his biggest accomplishment so far as Juventus coach is — potentially — top four. The exact same result that compelled Juve leadership to give Tudor an extension last season and the exact same realm in which this team has lived in for the last six years.
If this is a signing that’s betting on what this team might look like next season, I get it. If this is a signing that is supported by the actual job he has done so far? Consider me … unimpressed.
Blunted Spear
Juventus has scored 78 goals all season — 57 in Serie A, two in the Coppa Italia and 19 in the Champions League. Do you want to take a guess at how many of those goals have been scored by actual strikers?
Sixteen goals, which comes out to a cool 20% of all scores actually taken by the people whose entire job description is to score goals. Jonathan David, Loïs Openda, Dusan Vlahovic and Arek Milik have combined for a truly pitiful season as the men responsible of leading the attack for Juventus.
None of them have reached double digits and between general incompetence and injuries they could all in conjunction share the coveted LVP award for Juventus this season. Kenan Yildiz leads all scorers with 11 goals in all competitions and Weston McKennie has 9. It’s a shockingly inept display by the unit that was on paper one of the strongest ones in the squad when the season started.
Would it shock me to see all of those above strikers be out of the club for next season? No, but let’s break it down.
Openda is sticking around on the books given his option to buy was automatically triggered. But given his inactivity under Spalletti and his general disappointment in the black and white, I’m sure he will be the latest prestigious winner of the all expenses paid, Juventus-backed “Arthur Melo Memorial Scholarship for Little Boys who Suck at Football but Make a lot of Money/”
(The AMMSLBSFMM? Rolls right off the tongue doesn’t it?)
I truly hope Juve’s leadership just bites the bullet and lets Vlahovic leave. Just take the L, it’s fine. You didn’t sign him, Damien Comolli, it’s not your fault. Every minute he is on the pitch, is another minute I question my decision to enjoy this sport.
David potentially has the best chance at sticking around. He’s leading the underwhelming bunch in scoring and given his style of play he could theoretically fit in a Spalletti-led system. I doubt Comolli will punt on one of his marquee signings so quickly and retooling the entire striker room given all the other areas of need in one summer might be asking too much.
Lastly, I hope Milik finds peace wherever he might be and I wish him success in all his future endevours. Run free, my child, I hope the wind is beneath your wings and … he’s still under contract? For one more year? Goddamn it.
Parting Shot of the Week
Juve faces their last real big test of the season against old friend Allegri and AC Milan this weekend. That’s their only remaining top-of-the-table clash and the last big hurdle in their chase for a spot in the top four.
Get a result in Milan and it should be smooth sailing from there with matchups against teams in 19th, 18th, 15th and 12th place in the league at the moment of this writing on deck. Pretty hard to blow it at this point, but who knows, nothing shocks me when it comes to this team as of late.
Hold on to your horses and can’t wait to see what I’m sure will be a very rational and even keeled debate about whatever transpires this Sunday in the comment section.
See you next time.
