The indulgence of the holiday season begins its yearly hard launch with Thanksgiving, a time for aggressive caloric intake through an assortment of meats and dishes that span the culinary spectrum.
And
who could indulge more at a meal than the men who are head football coaches in the Southeastern Conference. These men sit atop massive operating and recruiting budgets, draw salaries that boggle the mind, and get buyouts with the same value as Dak Prescott’s yearly salary on his way to losing a playoff game for the Cowboys.
While these men will punish food at their Thanksgiving gatherings between film sessions, team meetings, and calls with Jimmy Sexton, we wanted to think about all of them getting together to break bread for Thanksgiving. The one catch is they are each responsible for bringing a dish to Frenemiesgiving.
And yes, even the fired coaches are invited because it’s the South (minus Missouri, Oklahoma, Texas, and parts of Kentucky) and bless their hearts.
First, we need someone to host (but still bring a dish!), and as a matter of simple logistics, that honor falls to Vanderbilt’s Clark Lea in Nashville. The central location will make travel relatively easy for everyone, and who wouldn’t want to dine in the Parthenon.
As an aside, Morgan Wallen’s bar was in the running for the venue, but the city health department gave it a rating of “Shithead” so it didn’t make the cut.
Now, let’s get to what each coach is bringing to SEC Frenemiesgiving.
Clark Lea (host)
Nashville hot turkey. Is that a thing, you ask? We don’t know, but, like the hot Nashville chicken, it sounds disappointing and with the same diarrhea.
Mike Elko
A perfectly cooked turkey shot at a Texas ranch where you pay $15,000 a night to drink top shelf liquor and have someone drive your hungover ass out to a spot in the morning and point to where you need to shoot.
Kirby Smart
A bourbon pecan pie that looks like he dropped it on the ground before he got there. It looks like that because it did hit the ground after falling off his scooter during a traffic incident.
Brent Venables
Dressing that is just hundreds of small croutons glued together with ranch dressing.
Mark Stoops
Grits that are dyed with blue food coloring. Contains 100 percent of your daily recommended dose of grit and blue collar work.
Lane Kiffin
Didn’t bring anything because he didn’t attend. Sent family members to check it out though.
HEYOOOOOOOOOOO.
Too soon?
Kalen DeBoer
Tried to replicate Nick Saban’s potato salad but ended up giving most people food poisoning.
Brian Kelly
Cigars and $100 bills to light them because he’s gonna get his $54 million. It’s almost like Jeff Landry is a performative dipshit who is an empty vessel!
Josh Heupel
Mashed potatoes and gravy because the two things he knows most about in life are deep choice routes and mashed potatoes and gravy.
Jeff Lebby
Whatever the ZYN flavor is that tastes most like green bean casserole.
Eli Drinkwitz
Macaroni and cheese that inexplicably has pineapples in it because I promise I’m cool, guys. Everyone makes him sit at the kids’ table by himself (because Lane isn’t there to sit with him).
Steve Sarkisian
Pumpkin pie with a whipped cream design on top that looks like Quinn Ewers.
Shane Beamer
A delicious fried bird to pair with Mike Elko’s traditionally cooked bird. Incredibly, as Beamer’s bird is cut, “Sandstorm” somehow plays.
Possibly related, Sir Big Spur is now missing from his enclosure.
Frank Wilson, Billy Gonzales, Bobby Petrino, and D.J. Durkin
Resumes. They’re here to network not do caloric work.
Billy Napier, Sam Pittman, and Hugh Freeze
A platter of A5 Wagyu, Beluga caviar, Iberico ham, and Atlantic bluefin tuna. While this display may seem like new money redneck behavior, it’s more about you can’t hide money and sure as hell can’t take it with you, boys. Cheers to Florida, Arkansas, and Auburn.
