This week: the thrill of Aldi and the agony of Hy-Vee, on how MNW will lose his family, and some lightly-plagiarized trivia.
Because I go through caffeinated drinks like they’re water during the semester,
I don’t have the budget to blow on the big stuff—Diet Coke, even in the bulk form at Costco.
Instead, the job falls to Aldi.
This isn’t spon-con or an ad, by the way, just the reality of being a professor at a small college in 2025. I shop at Aldi, I work multiple side gigs—including this one—and I occasionally force my wife to re-enact the Harry and Louise ads with me at the kitchen table even though we no longer balance a checkbook or get paper statements of our bills.
So, this week, I forgot to get the diet cola at Aldi like I always do. It’s solid and cheaper even than an equivalent amount at Costco. BUT! I had to run to Hy-Vee for something later that night, and when I was there, lo and behold—Hy-Vee Diet Cola on the shelf. $4 for 12! In THIS economy!
Reader, please be warned: do not buy Hy-Vee Diet Cola.
It…it just doesn’t taste. It’s like someone dropped a little caramel flavoring into fizzy water, drank it and nothing else, pissed it back into the can, and sealed it up. It was the worst thing I’ve ever consumed out of a can, and I’ve consumed both coconut-flavored beer and this:
Those were $2.99 for a six-pack of tallboys. We brought two flats of them to Country Jam in Eau Claire, and they were gone within a day. I do not know how long they had been on the shelf when we bought them, but the answer was almost certainly “too long.”
Point is, Hy-Vee Diet Cola is terrible. And, since I should have something semiprovocative for you, a ranking:
Best Mass-Produced (Enough*) Diet Colas
* No, we’re ranking some shitty regional cola that only you know about.
- Diet Coke, McDonalds Edition
- Summit Diet Cola (Aldi)
- TaB
- Diet Coke, can edition
- Diet Rite
- Diet Shasta Cola
- Diet Sam’s Cola
- Licking a battery
- Diet Pepsi
- Licking a shit-covered battery
- Hy-Vee Diet Cola
* I also did not rank “Zero Sugar” brands like Coke Zero unless (1) they were specifically marketed as a diet cola—like Faygo—or (2) I wanted to. This is my article, deal with it.
That all said, I will have a Cherry Coke Zero for the road, please and thank-you.
Friday Night
Don’t* Watch This
Houston Cougars (-13.5, O/U 47.5) at Oregon State Beavers [9:30pm, ESPN]
*do watch it after the first two games are done, but you knew that. Go Coogs.
Watch That
Florida State Seminoles at Virginia Cavaliers
6pm | ESPN | FSU -6.5 | O/U 60.5
#24 TCU Horned Frogs at Arizona State Sun Devils
8pm | FOX | ASU -3.5 | O/U 54.5
All that is to say, of course, that I drank 5 Hy-Vee Diet Colas yesterday. Was up at 3:30am for work and didn’t go to sleep until about 2:45am—stupid anxiety over life and career plans and stuff.
What that meant, of course, was that you didn’t know you should watch Army-East Carolina—the Army against the Pirates!—instead of Seapigeons-Whitecardinals (Arizona wore white-out uniforms. You haven’t seen that many white cardinals this side of the Vatican).
Of course, then Seattle blew a 14-point lead and won it on a late field goal, while ECU raced out to a 21-0 first-quarter lead and didn’t look back, holding off the Black Knights 28-6.
I hear the Hegseth meeting of everyone above a one-star general status is to figure out what the hell is wrong with the West Point football men. They’re supposed to be WARRIORS, goddamnit, TRAINED TO KILL, not losing to fucking Pirates. Though I guess that’s more of Navy’s job, beating the Pirates. +1 fire on the Philadelphia.
Saturday Morning
Don’t Watch This
#16 Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets (-13.5, O/U 52.5) at Wake Forest Demon Deacons [11am, ESPN]
Duke Blue Devils (-5.5, O/U 60.5) at Syracuse Orange [11am, ACCN]
Bowling Green Falcons at Ohio Bobcats (-10, O/U 50.5) [11am, CBSSN]
Cincinnati Bearcats at Kansas Jayhawks (-4.5, O/U 55.5) [11am, TNT]
UCF Citronauts at Kansas State Wildcats (-6, O/U 49.5) [11am, FS1]
Lhvl Crdnls (-4.5, O/U 57.4) at Pittsburgh Panthers [11am, ESPN2]
South Alabama Jaguars at North Texas Mean Green (-12.5, O/U 62.5) [11am, ESPNU]
Rutgers Scarlet Knights at Minnesota Golden Gophers (-4.5, O/U 51.5) [11am, BTN]
Utah State Aggies at #18 Vanderbilt Commodores (-22.5, O/U 59.5) [11:45am, SECN]
EMU Emus at CMU Ceemus (-5.5, O/U 54.5) [12pm, ESPN+]
Watch That
#21 USC Trojans at #23 Illinois Fighting Illini
11am | FOX B1G N00D | USC -6.5 | O/U 59.5
#22 Notre Dame Fighting Irish at Arkansas Razorbacks
11am | ABC | ND -4.5 | O/U 64.5
I had a meeting on the calendar for 12pm today. Try to hop on the call. It’s not working. Check my email — it’s for 12pm EST. Absolutely rogueish behavior, even if the other four people on the call are all in GTZ+1.
Send them an email, apologizing profusely.
Organizer emails me back and tells me it’s for next Friday.
I really should sleep more.
Yes, by the way, I realize I’m telling you to watch a Notre Dame game. This is entirely a recommendation on the basis of Arkansas, a team that will win at least two games through the sheer force and underboob sweat of Sam Pittman. Those two wins will likely be against randomly good SEC teams—but what if one was against Notre Dame?
The Hogs lost to Memphis last week, 32-31, in a game marred by occasionally competent play but mostly underlined by hilarity.
Saturday Afternoon
Don’t Watch This
Watch That
#4 LSU Tigers at #13 Ole Miss Rebels
2:30pm | ABC | Miss -1.5 | O/U 54.5
New Mexico State Aggies at New Mexico Lobos
3pm | MWN | UNM -14 | O/U 53.5
The County Is Coming To Take Your Children Away
UCLA Bruins at Northwestern Wildcats
2:30pm | BTN | NU -6.5 | O/U 44.5
Saturday Evening
Don’t Watch This
Old Dominion (-16.5, O/U 51.5) [5pm, ESPN+]
MTSU Blue Raiders at Kennesaw State Hustlin’ Owls (-7.5, O/U 53.5) [5pm, ESPN+]
Arizona Wildcats at #14 Iowa State Cyclones (-6.5, O/U 48.5) [6pm, ESPN]
Jacksonville State Gamecocks at Southern Miss Golden Iggles (-4, O/U 55) [6pm, ESPN+]
Memphis Tigers (-13.5, O/U 63.5) at FAU Owls [6pm, ESPN2]
VaTech Hokies at North Carolina State Wolfpack (-10.5, O/U 56.5) [6pm, The CW]
#17 Alabama Crimson Tide at #5 Georgia Bulldogs* [6:30pm, ABC]
* when I was filling out the grid at the bottom of the sheet, I put “USC -3” in the Line column and I’m not going to look up what it actually was. I like my option better.
UMass Minutemen at #20 Mizzou Tigers (-44.5, O/U 56.5) [6:30pm, ESPNU]
Appalachian State Mountaineers at Boise State Broncos (-16.5, O/U 60.5) [6:30pm, FS1]
Washington State Cougars at Colorado State Rams (-4.5, O/U 50.5) [6:30pm, CBSSN]
Kentucky Wildcats at South Carolina Gamecocks (-6.5, O/U 46.5) [6:45pm, SECN]
Marshall Thundering Herd at Louisiana Ragin’ Cajuns (-1.5, O/U 46.5) [7pm, ESPN+]
Keep An Eye On…
#6 Rhode Island Rams at Western Michigan Broncos
5:30pm | ESPN+ | WMU -7.5 | O/U 47.5
Game that, when I put it on, makes my wife say “I’m taking the kids and going to my sister’s.”
San Jose State Spartans at Stanford Cardinal
6:30pm | ACCN | Stanford -2.5 | O/U 49.5 | BILL WALSH LEGACY GAME
Watch That
Western Kentucky Hilltoppers at Missouri State Bears
6pm | ESPN+ | WKU -3.5 | O/U 60.5
#6 Oregon Ducks at #3 Penn State Nittany Lions
6:30pm | NBC | PSU -3.5 | O/U 52.5
I was on the fence, in this timeslot, about Wazzu-Colorado State. These are two teams—and fanbases—that I associate with limited levels of sobriety and boundless enthusiasm for doing completely stupid shit on the field. This game should end up 45-43 when the Colorado State punter gets eaten by a bear that has wandered onto the field and the ref rules that since the ball is inside the bear and the bear has scampered out of the tunnel behind the endzone, the punter stepped out of bounds and it’s therefore a safety.
I am less confident now that will be the case. Wazzu’s last coach, Jake Dickert, made what two years ago would’ve been a lateral move to Wake Forest—and now the Cougs are bad: they beat Idaho 13-10 to start the year, pasted a moribund San Diego State, and in their last two have given up 59 points exactly in each of their last two losses to North Texas and Washington. Not that they should have to worry about Colorado State putting up that kind of score: Jay Norvell’s Rams haven’t put it all together under the West Coast offense of Norvell and Matt Mumme, and they’ve now benched the Great Hope of my college fantasy keeper league, Brayden Fowler-Nicolosi, in favor of Jackson Brousseau.
However, there’s still Western Kentucky, and they’ll head to Springfield for Missouri State, a team that, if they’re not going to be good—73-13 to USC and 28-10 to SMU—is at least committed to being interesting.
Who am I kidding: I’m going to be watching the Bill Walsh Legacy Game. Fuck yeah, that’s gonna be some putrid football.
My wife’s all talk, by the way. She doesn’t even have a sister.
It’s late and I’m drunk…
Don’t Watch This
Louisiana Tech Bulldogs (-4, O/U 48.5) at UTEP Miners [8pm, ESPN+]
Weber State Wildcats at #9 UC Davis Aggies [9pm, ESPN+]
#25 BYU Cougars(-6.5, O/U 47.5) at Colorado Buffaloes [9:15pm, ESPN]
Watch That
LITTLE BROWN STEIN: #8 Idaho Vandals at #5 Montana Grizzlies
9:15pm | ESPN2 | Montana -10.5 | O/U 54.5
Farm Aid was great, by the way. Too long, and the set changes from everyone after Margo Price made a long day longer. But Price was awesome, Nathaniel Rateliff and the Night Sweats were phenomenal, and it was cool to see John Mellencamp—who was smoking a cigarette, I think, until the literal moment he stepped out into the spotlight—Bob Dylan, Neil Young, and Willie Nelson in person. Young in particular had the energy—he looked every bit of 79 but had the energy to push the show late into the night. Would recommend.
MNW’s Lightly Plagiarized Trivia
- Above, I referenced the burning of the Philadelphia by Stephen Decatur in 1804. That occurred during the first of which series of wars between the United States and a loosely-organized regency state?
- Name the common artificial sweetener used in Diet Coke.
- The largest jump in time zones between two countries’ land borders is a 3:30 jump between which two nations? (Give yourself a half point for each country.)
- Fifty miles east of Springfield, MO, is the town of Mansfield, home to the Rocky Ridge, a fruit and dairy farm that was the final residence of what author, who described settling there in On the Way Home and whose fate was originally explained in Roger McBride’s introduction to The First Four Years?
- Last week Fresno beat Hawai’i, 23-21, when the Bows’ two-point conversion failed with 10 seconds left. That ensured the Bulldogs won the final iteration of what rivalry trophy, named for a common tool? For a bonus half-point each, name either of Hawai’i’s other rivalry trophies and the teams they play them for.
