Now that Penn State’s season is down the toilet, we can focus all our energy in hating the other 17 teams in the conference! There’s always a silver lining!
[Ed. Note: I’m not changing that opening paragraph for the rest of the season ~Eli]
Friday, October 17
The Only
Nebraska at Minnesota 8:00 PM ET, FOX | Nebraska -7.5 ChatGPT: A quirky Friday showcase. Nebraska needs a road win to stay relevant; Minnesota will lean on cold weather and a physical ground game. Could be messy. Eli: If Matt Rhule wants the Penn State job, he needs to win this.
Which, of course, presents a different kind of challenge: PJ Fleck is as Big Ten West as it comes, living and dying by doing a sliver above the bare minimum required to win, and Nebraska having a near-inability to win a close game. Should be fun! ChatGPT Prediction: Minnesota 24–21 Eli Prediction: Nebraska 23, Minnesota 20
Saturday, October 18
The Best
Washington at Michigan
12:00 PM ET, FOX | Michigan –5.5
ChatGPT: Noon kick in the Big House with major stakes. Michigan’s front needs to squeeze Washington’s quick game; if the Wolverines run efficiently on early downs, they control the script.
Eli: Is Michigan just a bad road team, or have they been a paper tiger this whole time?
ChatGPT Prediction: Michigan 27–23
Eli Prediction: Washington 30, Michigan 20
Indiana vs Michigan State
3:30 PM ET, Peacock | Indiana -27.5
ChatGPT: Two quietly effective teams. Indiana’s offense is efficient; Sparty’s defense bends but doesn’t break. One-possession vibes.
Eli: Indiana continues their reign of terror. ChatGPT, I have no idea why your prediction is so low.
ChatGPT Prediction: Indiana 28–24
Eli Prediction: Indiana 49, Michigan State 10
Penn State at Iowa
7:00 PM ET, Peacock | Iowa -3.5
ChatGPT: Night game in Kinnick. PSU’s defense should own the line; Iowa needs defensive scores or short fields to keep pace.
Eli: I’m not picking Iowa out of principle.
ChatGPT Prediction: Penn State 30–16
Eli Prediction: Good bot.
Maryland at UCLA
7:00 PM ET, FS1 | UCLA -3.5
ChatGPT: Cross‑country test. UCLA’s home field helps, but if Maryland’s QB stays clean, this is a four‑quarter game.
Eli: The October beatings will continue until morale improves.
ChatGPT Prediction: UCLA 27–23
Eli Prediction: UCLA 44, Maryland 33
USC at Notre Dame
7:30 PM ET, NBC | Notre Dame -9.5
ChatGPT: Rivalry heat. USC strikes quickly, ND leans on toughness. Explosives vs. body blows — coin‑flip theater.
Eli: Notre Dame plays a team with a pulse once again, Notre Dame will lose “close” and we’ll all pretend they’re not as shitty as Penn State.
ChatGPT Prediction: USC 34–31
Eli Prediction: USC 45, Notre Dame 42
The Rest
Ohio State at Wisconsin
3:30 PM ET, CBS | Line TBD
ChatGPT: The Buckeyes bring full-throttle speed and depth. Wisconsin needs turnovers and field position magic to hang for four quarters.
Eli: Good god the horror.
ChatGPT Prediction: Ohio State 41–14
Eli Prediction: Ohio State 49, Wisconsin -13
Oregon at Rutgers
6:30 PM ET, BTN | Oregon -17.5
ChatGPT: Ducks fly east. Rutgers’ defense has flashed, but Oregon’s spacing and tempo may simply outrun them.
Eli: Ok Oregon do the thing now!
ChatGPT Prediction: Oregon 35–17
Eli Prediction: Rutgers 43, Oregon 41 (4OT)
Purdue at Northwestern
3:00 PM ET, BTN | Northwestern -3.5
ChatGPT: Boiler offense vs. Wildcat trickiness. If Purdue hits chunk plays, they tilt it; Northwestern tries to muck it up.
Eli: So help me god if Northwestern loses this game!
ChatGPT Prediction: Purdue 28–21
Eli Prediction: Northwestern 27, Purdue 20
Final Thoughts
ChatGPT:
The Best: Washington–Michigan at noon sets the tone; USC–ND, Indiana–MSU, and Penn State–Iowa headline a deep Saturday.
Middle Tier: Maryland–UCLA adds cross-country intrigue.
The Rest: Ohio State–Wisconsin, Oregon–Rutgers, and Purdue–Northwestern fill out the slate with potential chaos.
Eli:
Some of these might be intriguing, but the most intriguing one of the bunch may end up being the one including our team, so there’s that.
