Welcome to the last power poll of the regular season! We’re going to compare our favorite Big Ten teams to characters in movies we know and love! Some of these are going to be a little too on the nose, and others I had a little fun with.
No. 1: Ohio State Buckeyes
First place votes: 8 | Last week: 1 | High: 1 | Low: 2
Miranda Priestly – The Devil Wears Prada
Miranda is the classic untouchable queen bee. She is rich, powerful, and terrifying, and everyone around her envies her status as much as they resent her. And, unlike every other unlikeable villain in media, this
one doesn’t go down in the end.
Nothing represents Ohio State like being the big bad character that has every which advantage, and no matter how awful they are, nothing ever happens to them. Instead, they just get better!
No. 2: Indiana Hoosiers
First place votes: 2 | Last week: 2 | High: 1 | Low: 2
Jordan Belfort – The Wolf of Wall Street
Jordan is the textbook “new money who cannot handle success” character. He goes from having nothing to having more money than he can process, and immediately turns it into excess, chaos, and crime. His story is about how rapid success can completely blow up someone who has no internal brakes.
I don’t know if Curt Cignetti is spending all his money on hookers and blow, and I certainly don’t know that Indiana is going to crater as soon as next season, but I do know that a chunk of Indiana fans don’t know what to do with their hands now that their team is good, and have adopted the Notre Dame way of thinking when it comes to their team. That is, if it isn’t short of blind adoration, it obviously most be unfair criticism!
At least Indiana has never been in this position before, so they have an excuse, unlike their neighbors in South Bend.
No. 3: Oregon Ducks
First place votes: 0 | Last week: 3 | High: 3 | Low: 3
Michael Scott – The Office
Michael is the guy who swears he “hates drama,” while also creating drama everywhere he goes. He is desperate to be loved and seen as the fun leader, and that need pushes him into one bad decision after another. His archetype is the chaos magnet who genuinely does not understand that he is the source of the chaos.
I don’t know that a character has described a school as much as Michael Scott describes Oregon. Though I will say, I’m pretty sure Dan Lanning and Oregon are aware they’re the source of the drama, no matter how much they claim they’re not doing it for the clicks, as they invite the cameras to record the speech.
But who knows, maybe all the shenanigans will one day lead to a national title.
No. 4: USC Trojans
First place votes: 0 | Last week: 4 | High: 4 | Low: 6
Cher Horowitz – Clueless
When you think California, you think Cher Horowitz. Cher is the rich, popular girl who, on paper, looks like your standard shallow princess. The twist with her is that she has a real heart and a genuine desire to help, even if she messes things up at first. Her archetype is about learning to use privilege and influence in a more thoughtful way instead of just coasting on it.
Like Cher, Lincoln Riley probably —lol who am I kidding, I picked this because it’s the first thing I thought about when I thought “rich Californian.”
No. 5: Michigan Wolverines
First place votes: 0 | Last week: 6 | High: 4 | Low: 6
Regina George – Mean Girls
Regina is the pure apex predator of the high school ecosystem. She is rich, beautiful, feared, and envied, and she keeps her power through manipulation and intimidation. Her archetype is the reigning tyrant whose grip on the throne eventually slips once everyone realizes how toxic she is.
Michigan reached the top of the mountain for a time, then it all came crashing down once their scheme got discovered. Now, like the rest of us, they’re left building it all up brick by brick, or 12 million dollar quarterback by 12 million dollar quarterback.
No. 6: Washington Huskies
First place votes: 0 | Last week: 8 | High: 5 | Low: 7
Cal Weaver – Crazy, Stupid, Love
Cal is the ordinary suburban guy whose life blows up when his wife leaves him for someone “better.” His story is about what happens when your safe, comfortable identity gets ripped away and you are forced to rebuild from scratch.
Washington had a good thing going with Kalen DeBoer. They even made the national title in 2023! Then, all of the sudden, DeBoer left for a better, younger model, leaving Washington to pick up the pieces. Now Washington has settled down with a nice, stable partner who is definitely not leaving for Florida anytime soon.
No. 7: Iowa Hawkeyes
First place votes: 0 | Last week: 7 | High: 6 | Low: 7
Don Draper – Mad Men
Don is the person who keeps getting chances to change and almost never takes them. He is incredibly good at his job, but emotionally he is stuck, and he refuses to let go of the polished persona he built. His archetype is the man who watches opportunities for real growth pass by because facing himself is scarier than losing everything.
Iowa, if Kirk Ferentz simply got out of his own way, would be way better than they are. But Kirk refuses to change, and Iowa will continue to go 8-4 for the rest of eternity as a result.
No. 8: Northwestern Wildcats
First place votes: 0 | Last week: 10 | High: 8 | Low: 9
Ted Mullens — Schitt’s Creek
Ted starts out as the slightly awkward, nerdy town vet that people do not fully take seriously. Over time he gets more confident, grows into his looks, and levels up his life in quiet, steady ways.
Northwestern has had a late bloom of sorts just like Ted. Though it started with the now-departed Pat Fitzgerald, David Braun has continued the “we’re not a doormat anymore” thing going.
No. 9: Illinois Fighting Illini
First place votes: 0 | Last week: 5 | High: 8 | Low: 14
Stillwater – Almost Famous
I got stuck on Illinois, so I asked ChatGPT to tell me who they are. This is what it said:
Illinois is Stillwater if Stillwater were a football team. They have real talent, a legit history, and these stretches where they suddenly look like they are about to break through and become a big deal. Everyone around them squints and goes, “Wait, are they actually good now?”
But just like Stillwater, they live in that in-between zone. They are too good to be irrelevant and too chaotic to be truly great. Ego, mistakes, weird timing, or plain inconsistency keep getting in the way. The archetype here is the “almost famous contender” that keeps brushing up against stardom, then drifting back into the middle of the pack, still promising just enough that you keep watching to see if this is finally the year it clicks.
Given how things went last season, and how this season started with a lot of promise, this is spot on!
No. 10: Penn State Nittany Lions
First place votes: 0 | Last week: 13 | High: 8 | Low: 13
Charlie Brown – Peanuts
Charlie Brown is the eternal almost winner. That football scene with Lucy is his whole archetype in one image: he believes, he hopes, he runs in full of trust, and the ball gets pulled away every time.
If Michael Scott fits Oregon like a glove, Penn State is Charlie Brown. They keep trying, and trying, and trying, getting ever so close, only to fail in the end anyway. See: College Football Playoff Semifinal 2024; Penn State Whiteout vs Oregon 2025; Penn State vs Michigan 2023; Penn State vs Ohio State 2022…
You get the point.
No. 11: Nebraska Cornhuskers
First place votes: 0 | Last week: 9 | High: 10 | Low: 12
Norma Desmond – Sunset Boulevard
Norma is what happens when someone who was once rich and adored refuses to accept that their time has passed. She is still surrounded by the trappings of her former success, but it is all brittle and sad, like a museum of her own ego. Her archetype is the fallen star who lives in denial instead of adapting to a new reality.
Now, I do think the Nebraska fans who refuse to accept their new reality are few and far between, since Mike Riley and Scott Frost made that abundantly clear. Though, Matt Rhule has given some of that swagger back to some on the fanbase, as they’re already asking of his head even though he’s taken them to two straight bowl seasons.
No. 12: Minnesota Golden Gophers
First place votes: 0 | Last week: 11 | High: 9 | Low: 14
The Dude – The Big Lebowski
The Dude is the ultimate low effort, low ambition character. He does just enough to get by, and he is completely fine with a messy, mediocre life as long as he can bowl and relax.
P.J. Fleck is quite content with doing just the bare minimum it takes to win. He’s also quite content with the mediocre results it brings. P.J. Fleck, and Minnesota by extension, is the other side of the Iowa coin: they could be a lot better if they just tried, even a little.
No. 13: UCLA Bruins
First place votes: 0 | Last week: 12 | High: 12 | Low: 15
Mia Dolan – La La Land
Mia is the struggling artist in Los Angeles version of the “California dreamer” archetype. She works a dead end job, runs from audition to audition, and gets flashes of opportunity that seem to vanish just when she gets close to them. Her story is about chasing a dream in a city where almost everyone is chasing the same dream.
I also got stuck on UCLA, so I asked ChatGPT to give me a poor Californian and this is what it spit out.
No. 14: Wisconsin Badgers
First place votes: 0 | Last week: 16 | High: 9 | Low: 15
White Goodman – Dodgeball
White Goodman spent the entirety of Dodgeball being the fit, confident villain. When it all falls apart, you see a scene in the end credits where he’s let himself go, having lost his sense of identity.
Wisconsin, once the undisputed emperor of the West, was the fit villain everyone in the West strived to be. Then they lost their identity, the Big Ten lost divisions, and now they’re wondering the wilderness having let themselves go beyond recognition.
No. 15: Rutgers Scarlet Knights
First place votes: 0 | Last week: 14 | High: 14 | Low: 16
Aragorn – The Lord of the Rings
Aragorn is the sleeping giant king. For most of the story, he hangs back as a ranger, refusing to claim his full identity and power. His arc is about finally accepting who he is and stepping into leadership when the world needs him to stop hiding.
Big Ten Powerhouse Rutgers has always been viewed as the sleeping giant. It so happens they’ve been sleeping since 1869 and have shown no indication of ever waking up, but hey, they’re the sleeping giant!
No. 16: Maryland Terrapins
First place votes: 0 | Last week: 15 | High: 15 | Low: 17
Billy Hoyle — White Men Can’t Jump
Billy is a talented guy who keeps tripping over his own flaws. He is good enough to hustle people on the court, but his pride, his gambling, and his impulsiveness keep wrecking his chances at stability. His archetype is the self sabotaging underdog, someone who could win more often if he would just get out of his own way.
Maryland is the “basketball school,” but haven’t been all that good at basketball for some time now. In fact, Maryland has a .500 record against Penn State, Penn State, since joining the Big Ten.
No. 17: Michigan State Spartans
First place votes: 0 | Last week: 18 | High: 16 | Low: 18
Robin — Batman & Robin
Robin is the classic little brother sidekick energy. He is always trying to prove that he is just as capable as Batman, and that need for validation pushes him into reckless decisions.
Mark Dantonio had a good thing going for a bit, but it’s back to little brother for Michigan State.
No. 18: Purdue Boilermakers
First place votes: 0 | Last week: 17 | High: 17 | Low: 18
Charlie – A Star Is Born
Charlie fits the “washed up talent who cannot save himself” archetype. He has real skill and there are small windows where he could climb back up, usually through someone who believes in him, but his addictions and self destructive habits keep pulling him under.
Purdue has had glimpses of hope in the past, whether it’s Joe Tiller or Jeff Brohm, Purdue knows what success is like. The success is always fleeting, however, so they end up back in the ditch shortly after.
