Ah, the historic Northwest Division. Home of storied rivalries, hallowed tradition, and elaborate fight songs. Why the first thing I think of when I hear the word “Northwest” are the jagged peaks of the Cascade mountain range and the … dust bowl environs of Oklahoma City suburbs…that are about a 33 hour drive away from the nearest Douglas Fir.
Scratch that. Let’s try again.
The first thing I think of are soaring orca whales breaching the frigid Puget Sound and the … green bean hotdishes… baked on the eastern
shores of the Mississippi?
Goddamn it! How many teams has the league relocated away from the Pacific Northwest already? Adam Silver might as well be honest and rename this thing the “Portland Better Pony Up for a New Stadium, Or We’ll Take Everything You Love” division.
Geographic quibbles aside, the Minnesota Timberwolves are in for a much improved, and dare I say, exciting race in a division full of upstarts and crumbling dynasties. Let’s look at the rest of the division and divine what the 16 divisional games on the schedule have in store for us.
Each team will receive a rivalry score based on how annoying it will be to play them (on a scale of one to five Aaron Rodgers-es).
Portland Trailblazers
True to their path-scorching team name, Portland’s new owner is pioneering a fan-experience initiative where fans need to bring their own seats to the games. Is this because Tom Dundon is a cheapskate who won’t pay for playoff T-shirts or for hotel late fees? No, no, not at all. How can you say that? Saving money is just a nice side benefit. The new arena rule where all fans are required to donate plasma that Tom Dundon can sell is about money.
Who’s out: Jeremi Grant, Matisse Thybulle
Who’s in: Ja Morant. Jeremy Sochan. Micah Nori wearing a potato sack. What, you expected Mr. Dundon to BUY a suit for his coaching staff???
Prognosis: Ja Morant and Elliot Smith have more in common than you might think. Great indie debuts (Murray State; Roman Candle), incandescent introductions to the majors (2020 Rookie of the Year; releasing XO on DreamWorks), and a serious self-destructive streak. What are the chances Ja regains his form in PDX? I’d say about the same as finding a needle in the haaaaaaay.
Last year, the feisty Blazers overperformed thanks to a gritty coaching job by Thiago Splitter, a ball-dominant Deni Avdija, and growth from youngsters like Donovan Clingan. This year…I don’t see it. Should this team be finding time for both Ja and post-Achilles surgery Damian Lillard when they have Jrue Holiday, Scoot Henderson, and Shaedon Sharpe (who is out for the year) on the roster? Come home, Micah.
What should Wolves fans worry about?: If Dundon moves the team from Portland, Minnesotans will need to give up naming rights for Lake Itasca to keep the Wolves in town.
Rivalry meter: 1 Aaron Rodger. Pretty annoying, but I feel bad that their fans need to put up with this garbage.
Denver Nuggets
If you thought the cheap owner jokes were done after the Portland preview, buckle up, baby! Here comes Denver Nuggets basketball. Seriously, the Kroenke family approached the offseason like your aunt on Temu. Look–DeMar DeRozan is 70% off!
Who’s out: Peyton Watson, Tim Hardaway Jr., Jonas Valanciunas, Nikola Jokić’s title window
Who’s in: DeMar DeRozan, Marvin Bagley III, Lonnie Walker IV…wow and I thought their Russell Westbrook signing was desperate
Prognosis: Pray for Aaron Gordon’s calves. Jokić guarantees this team a playoff spot, but not much more. Jamal Murray played his best year ever last year, and they still got beat by Jaden McDaniels in round one.
Jokić needs instinctive cutters and credible deep threats to maximize his otherworldly court vision…and the Nuggets signed Marvin Bagley III.
What should Wolves fans worry about?: Jokić’s prize stallion, Dream Weaver, gets Serbian Horse Flu on the eve of the playoffs, sparking the Joker into a John Wick-style revenge frenzy.
Rivalry meter: 3 out of 5 Aaron Rodgers. For old time sakes.
Utah Jazz
Why can’t the lives of Mormon wives stay secret? The Utah Jazz are finally ready to compete for a playoff spot this season after committing a multi-year tank job so disgraceful it made Joseph Smith’s third, fourth, and eighth wives blush. Unfortunately for our Wolves, the Jazz’s assemblage of sweet-shooting bigs and talented young guards could catapult them back to levels of relevance last seen when Memhet Okur roamed around in a purple mountain jersey.
Who’s out: Walker Kessler, Will Hardy’s excuses
Who’s in: Darryn Peterson, Jaxson Hayes, the GOAT Josh Okogie
Prognosis: Count me among the deranged Darryn Peterson true believers. I know he struggled with creatine cramps in Kansas…but my lord, he has a beautiful mid-range package. The footwork, my friends, is smooth as elevator jazz. Peterson is lucky he landed in Utah, a state so supportive of people with mental health issuesthat they elected Senator Mike Lee. Led by Lauri Markkanen’s best season, I’d predict Utah to grab the sixth seed in the West.
What should Wolves fans worry about?: Ace Bailey learns about the power of teamwork from the big band stylings of Cab Calloway and finds his footing as a microwave scorer off the bench. skibbidy-doo-oop-ah-doo-wop-yeah!
Rivalry meter: 2 out of 5 Aaron Rodgers. Tell Danny Ainge he can’t leer at our draft picks like that!
Oklahoma City Thunder
Man, it hurts to write this. I hate this team. But I can’t lie–the Thunder are just stacked. If any of these players were added to the Timberwolves’ roster, I would lose my mind with joy: Ajay Mitchell, Alex Caruso, Cason Wallace, Jared McCain, Isaiah Hartenstein, Bennett Stirtz…and these are just their role players. I’m depressed.
Who’s out: Luguentz Dort, Isaiah Joe, Aaron Wiggins
Who’s in: Bennett Stirtz, Aday Mara, an invite for Chet Holmgren to serve as official ball boy for the French national team
Prognosis: Lou Dort was holding this team back. With Ajay Mitchell and Jared McCain providing better offensive guard play, the Thunder will be even better than last year.
What should Wolves fans worry about?: The Los Angeles Clippers still have picks in 2039 that they can trade to OKC
Rivalry meter: 5 out of 5 Aaron Rodgers. Ugh. So annoying that even Pat McAfee asked if Jordan Love could do a segment instead
Minnesota Timberwolves
Only one thing to say here:
Get’em Ant
