Never Go In Against a Sicilian When a Playoff Roster Is on the Line!
– by Mario Crescibene
Hello, and welcome to Turner Classic Movies. In tonight’s special edition, we uncover a long-lost secret from the set of one of the most beloved films ever made: The Princess Bride.
We all know the famous scene where Vizzini, the arrogant mercenary boss — and Westley, disguised as “the Man in Black,” — have a battle of wits which results in Vizzini confidently poisoning himself:
This scene has been studied and analyzed ever since the movie became a cult classic, but only recently
did archivists uncover something long-forgotten deep in the Hollywood studio vaults: a reel of audio with no title or markings of any kind, apart from a single date scrawled on the case — matching the same day the iconic scene was filmed. What it contained was audio never heard before from one of the takes.
There was no accompanying footage found, but what was on that audio tape revealed a highly experimental artistic process. During the filming, Rob Reiner greatly encouraged the cast and crew to embrace improvisation and test the limits of each scene. This approach is what led to the brilliance captured during Billy Crystal’s scenes as Miracle Max — the cantankerous wizard — as well as many other memorable moments throughout the movie.
We have transcribed the audio of the recording for you here, giving you a rare, unfiltered glimpse into the creative chaos behind one of cinema’s most beloved scenes. Enjoy:
[The Man in Black catches up to Vizzini, who has the Commissioner’s Trophy blindfolded on a table.]
Vizzini: So, it is down to you, and it is down to me.
[The Man in Black continues his approach. Vizzini puts a knife to the Commissioner’s Trophy.]
Vizzini: Not one step further, or the trophy gets it. Allow me to explain your current predicament. Behold!
[With that Vizzini gestures to four horse-drawn carts.]
Vizzini: Before you are four carts. In each cart I have placed a group of your Guardians.
In the first cart you have Ramirez, Rocchio, Bazzana, and Lowe.
In the second cart are Kwan, Adell, DeLauter, and Martinez.
The third cart contains Bailey, Hedges, and Fry.
And the fourth cart has Genao, Schneemann, and Halpin.
Fourteen of your Guardians in all. Half of your 28-man playoff roster.
Have I captured your attention?
Man in Black: You have indeed. Yet surely there’s more to this little game of yours. Go on.
Vizzini: Gladly! The four carts before you contain players bound for the playoff roster — but now I must draw your attention down below to the ship anchored in the waters surrounding the Cliffs of Insanity. There you will see a small clipper filled with another group of players about to be shipped back to Columbus. Aboard are: Valera, Velazquez, Huff, Manzardo, and Ingle.
You must choose one of those players on the ship, and exchange them with one of the players in the carts.
Man in Black: (smirks) You’ve devised quite the battle of wits.
Vizzini: Wait till I get going! Let’s dive into the details of your Sophie’s choice shall we?
Do you choose the player who has had the most recent success and save Valera — who is batting .500 in the month of September?
Man in Black: (interrupting, intrigued) Batting .500 you say?
Vizzini: He’s gone 17 for 34, slugging .971! It’s inconceivable! But you could also choose Velazquez for his power potential, knowing full well the 40-man implications and the fallout if there is a lockout next year… or do you go with Huff who can play catcher as well as third and first base?
Man in Black: Those are certainly three prime possibilities. (half-amused) Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
Vizzini: That’s hardly the half of it! Because you also have Manzardo who could give you an option to pair with Nathanial Lowe at first base, or you could give another chance to Ingle instead.
And then who do you sacrifice from the playoff roster? The possibilities are endless!
Man in Black: That is indeed a devious plan, but you’ve forgotten one very important detail: the playoff roster isn’t expanded. It’s a 26-man roster for the playoffs.
Vizzini: (excited) You only think I forgot. That’s what’s so funny! Don’t you see? You’ve fallen right into my trap! Before, the rules of the game were easy: you only had to make a simple one-for-one deal. But now you have to swap two players for one — the price has doubled!
You didn’t actually think that I wouldn’t have already thought that you would think that I forgot the playoff roster is set at 26 did you?! Of course I did, you fool!
You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is “Never call a suicide squeeze with the bases loaded.” But only slightly less well known is this… “Never go in against a Sicilian when a playoff roster is on the line!”
Ah-ha-ha, ah-ha-ha, ah-ha-awk! (coughs). I swallowed a bug. (cough) Can we do another take?
And so ends the audio, and our brief glimpse into what it was like during the shooting of The Princess Bride. One can only imagine the other takes that were recorded and lost to the sands of time.
We are left wondering what the source of inspiration was for such an off-the-cuff scene. We are also left with the lingering question of which player should be saved from the ship destined for Columbus… and which two players from the playoff-roster-carts should take his spot on the condemned clipper.
Alas, those answers may well still be locked away in one of the studio vaults… never to be found.
