Prior to beginning this deserved evisceration, this author would like to clarify that she is not related to Angels GM Perry Minasian (so far as she knows). She is proudly related to Raffi Minasian, who, when pressed into attendance, scrolls on Instagram and asks every half inning when they’re going to throw hot dogs to him.
The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim should be extremely grateful to the Colorado Rockies for existing. Hopefully Bradley Blalock got a fruit basket, at the very least, because the Rockies pitching
staff were often the only thing standing between the Angels arms and the very cellar of most FanGraphs leaderboards. They had the highest BB/9 rate of any team in baseball, ranked second-highest in HR/9, put up a walk rate of 9.9% and tallied all that into a cumulative 6.4 fWAR (29th overall). As John pointed out yesterday, they certainly weren’t helped by the worst defense in baseball, but it was much more Felix the Cat running while holding a bomb than Félix Hernández.
To address these issues, this off-season Minasian opted to employ a strategy inspired by Armenians at any family gathering, and many nerds online: Remembering Some Guys.
Notable Transactions
Out: LHP Brock Burke, LHP Tyler Anderson, RHP Kenley Jansen, RHP Connor Brogdon, RHP Kyle Hendricks, LHP José Quijada, LHP Andrew Chafin, RHP José Ureña
In: RHP Grayson Rodriguez, RHP Alek Manoah, LHP Drew Pomeranz, RHP Kirby Yates, RHP Jordan Romano, LHP Brent Suter, LHP Jayvien Sandridge, RHP Huascar Ynoa, RHP Shaun Anderson, RHP Nick Sandlin, LHP Tayler Saucedo, RHP Kaleb Ort, RHP Angel Perdomo, RHP Hunter Strickland
Italics = Minor League Deals with Spring Training Invite
Here to tell you the story of the Angels’ off-season additions is Jake, an aspiring screenwriter whose favorite films include Transformers, Transformers: Age of Extinction and Armageddon.
We open on Yusei Kikuchi in the weight room at Angels Stadium, sweat pouring down his face.
SMASH CUT [plus explosion sound]
A screen recording of Grayson Rodriguez’s extensive injury history page, with the voiceover of Rodriguez telling a reporter that he didn’t go through a physical before being traded to the Angels.
SMASH CUT [plus explosion sound]
Alek Manoah throwing 89 MPH fastballs in Buffalo, New York.
SMASH CUT [plus explosion sound]
Jordan Romano’s entire 2025 season on 6.9x speed.
SMASH CUT [plus explosion sound]
Soft focus zoom into the gray hairs of Kirby Yates’ beard.
SMASH CUT [plus explosion sound]
Soft focus zoom into the gray hairs of Drew Pomeranz’s beard.
SMASH CUT [plus explosion sound]
Soft focus zoom into the gray hairs that would grow in Brent Suter’s beard.
SMASH CUT [plus explosion sound]
This picture
Fade to black
Starting Rotation
According to ZiPS, José Soriano is slated to be The Quiet Place of the rotation, with old friend Kikuchi as The Quiet Place II and Detmers rounding it out as Bumblebee. Beyond those three, it’s all just various iterations of The Purge.
There’s an argument to be made that the Angels’ 1-3 in their rotation represent the team’s most noble, respectful tribute to baseball in the 2026 season. The ceiling isn’t terribly high, but the holes are patched and it keeps you dry. But in 2026, you need more than three starting pitchers, and while Rodriguez, Manoah and Dana offer a little more clearance for your noggin, you’re going to need a few buckets handy in the event of a storm. It’s easy to see some upside here – Rodriguez had surgery in August to remove the bone spurs in his elbow that he claimed were the root of 2+ years of injuries and struggle, Manoah sat 93-94 in his debut Spring Training outing, Dana is still just a baby and Gregg Klassen is waiting in the wings like the Midwestern pitching version of Zach Neto. It’s also a thin line for competence and a generous promenade of risk.
I’m not here to pass judgement on my fellow 90’s babies, but I’m also not out there every day trying to hurl my arm around like a kid with one of those sticky hand toys. That’s a lotta 30-somethings in that table, to say nothing of the injury histories that get those names beeping like a metal detector being swept along the basin of the Trevi Fountain. This bullpen is the 2003 version of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre – the source material is haunting, but the remake lacks oomph or necessity.
To be honest, at this point I can’t tell if I’m more tired of making Michael Bay references or just considering the Angels franchise. It likely skews towards the latter, but I’ll take some blame myself. As the Halos know better than any, it’s tough to be a Michael.
