Diane. It’s February 24th, 12:10 pm, mountain time. My investigation, in all it’s twists, turns, detours, and non-sequiturs has led me to the Peoria Sports Complex in the northwest corner of the Phoenix metropolitan area. Along the way, I stopped at the Whataburger just across the New River. And I have to say, it lived up to its name. What. A. Burger!
The purpose of my visit to Peoria is to investigate the Seattle Mariners. They’ve created quite a stir up in the Northwest, nearly earning a trip to the World
Series! Can you believe it? But — as I’m sure you know, Diane —they didn’t quite make it, losing in heartbreaking fashion. So heartbreaking, in fact, that one is forced to wonder if nefarious spirits might not be at work. Bob, we have learned, feeds off of pain, and that loss caused enough of that.
The big name in this game is a fella they call George Kirby. No relation to the little pink guy, but I may have to look into that. Remind me to ask him, Diane. He had a tough 2025 campaign, and is looking to get his moxy back. From what I can see, he reminds me of myself after that incident in Pittsburgh. He’s on the mound now, battling his way through the Chicago White Stockings.
Oh man would you look at that, he got the first two batters out but he beaned the third guy up, the left fielder Austin Hays. George may be a little rattled by that. Everything I’ve seen tells me he has a strong preference to work within the strike zone. And to make matters worth Lenyn Sosa just hit a double to score Hays. Not a good start for Mr. Kirby. Ah, well, he did get a strikeout to end the inning. That should help.
Diane, it looks like George’s fellow Mariners have his back. Good to see comraderie among teammates. The Mariners actually loaded the bases up before getting a run on a double play off the bat of one Joshua Naylor. It’s not a pretty way to do it but the game is tied nonetheless. But in the meantime, I’m hungry. I’m going to find some concessions.
Diane, I’ve acquired a box of stadium popcorn. The texture is somewhat papery and it could use a little more butter flavoring, but regardless, it’s the perfect snack for a day like today. Since I left you, Diane, the White Sox took the lead once again on a two-run home run by Tanner Murray. George Kirby had been removed from the game. It a was poor soul by the name of Stefan Raeth that threw the errant pitch. A shame, but now I’m going to find a soda to wash down this popcorn.
While I was in line for my drink I had a tremendous revelation. A mariner is a sailor, one who lives on the seas. Yet they take their practice every year in the middle of the desert. One wonders if it is merely an irony or something that is emblematic of human nature. Perhaps by building strength and endurance in the arid heat, they are more prepared for baseball in the humid cold of the Northwest. We shall see.
Oh, I forgot to mention. That catcher fellow Sheriff Truman likes so much, Caleb Raleigh, hit a two-run home run.
Diane I’ve retaken my seat in between the two halves of the fourth inning. A series of miscues and misfortunes has returned the lead to Chicago, this time by a margin of 6-3. Spring Training has a way of bringing out the silliness inherent in baseball, as players shake of the rust. Perhaps the baseball gods themselves are more like to intervene, as they too have been desperate for the game all winter. If you asked me before this investigation, I would have said that I don’t believe in gods of any kind. But after what I’ve seen, I’m not so sure anymore.
Diane, the Mariners are fighting back. Those two kids that are playing today, Arroyo and Emerson, reached base and were subsequently doubled home by that star Julio Rodriguez I was telling you about the other day. That brought the score back within a single run.
Chicago stretched the lead back to 3-runs on a lackluster inning by trade acquisition Alex Hoppe. But the Mariners simply loaded the bases again and let Colt Emerson single in two runs with a rocket to right field. Boy that kid may be the real deal. The Mariners then tied the game on a play so captivatingly nonsensical that I am at a loss of words on how to describe it. Miles Mastrobuoni hit the ball to first base and Dominic Canzone attempted to score from third, only to be caught in a rundown. While he was returning to third base the White Sox catcher attempted to throw the baseball back to the third baseman. He failed, sending the ball sailing into left field. Canzone scored and the other two runners moved up to third and second. However they too failed to score.
Diane, I’m speaking to you now from the bottom of the 6th inning. For the first time today the Seattle Mariners are leading the baseball game. They took the lead off of a Spencer Packard single — remind me to ask if he has any relation to Catharine Packard and the sawmill — a wild pitch, a ground out by Lazaro Montes, and a solid single by Dominic Canzone. We’ll see if they can keep it.
It seems they could not. Nico Tellache pitched the 7th for Seattle, inheriting a runner on first. His second pitch went for a single, and a double steal moved those runners up to d and third. It was one of the greatest heists I’ve ever seen in all my time at the Bureau, Diane. It was a simple matter for Oliver Dunn to hit a double and score both runners. He eventually scored on a single, giving Chicago a two run lead. I feel for young Tellache. He did his best in a stressful situation. Hopefully he showed enough determination to his coaches for a second chance. We could all use one of those.
Diane, the Mariners are clawing back. Rhylan Thomas hit a ball all the way to the berm in right field and cut the Chicago lead in half. He could have tied it if it weren’t for Cal Raleigh getting thrown out attempting to steal second after a single. But that’s just the way the cookie crumbles. That’s a good idea. I’m going to try and rustle up a cookie.
Diane, I’ve been unable to find a physical cookie to eat. This disappointment has been compounded by the fact that the proverbial cookie of the baseball game continued to crumble until the very end. The Mariners were unable to score again and the Chicago team took the win. I can’t help but feel this has been some sort of distraction. A red herring, if you will, and you know that that is a fish I do not particularly care for. I’d love to stay and do some more digging, but I really should get back up to Sheriff Truman.
It is a long drive, however. Right now what I need a donut. And a damn good cup of coffee.
