Now that Penn State’s season is down the toilet, we can focus all our energy in hating the other 17 teams in the conference! There’s always a silver lining!
Friday, October 10
The Only
Washington 38, Rutgers 19
It was 13-10 Rutgers
at the half. Then, the defense that’s been plaguing the Scarlet Knights all season long showed up in the second half.
Saturday, October 11
The Best
Ohio State at Illinois
12:00 PM ET, FOX | Line TBD (report: Ohio State –15.5)
ChatGPT: A heavyweight clash. OSU’s offense is humming, but Illinois has a tough secondary that can disrupt timing. If the Illini script a few turnovers, this could get spicy.
Eli: It’s fixing to be 2007 again, ain’t? Well we all know what happened in 2007.
ChatGPT Prediction: Ohio State 38–24
Eli Prediction: Illinois 28, Ohio Stae 24
Indiana at Oregon
3:30 PM ET, CBS | Line TBD
ChatGPT: Oregon at home is a beast; Indiana’s speed and dual-threat QB can threaten, but defending the edges will be huge. I lean Ducks, but this feels like the kind of road upset that wakes up fans.
Eli: Yeah fuck both these teams.
ChatGPT Prediction: Oregon 35–28
Eli Prediction: Meteor, preferably.
Michigan at USC
7:30 PM ET, NBC | Line TBD
ChatGPT: West Coast nightcap. USC’s attack is fast and creative; Michigan will lean heavily on discipline, power, and controlling the line. Turnovers will swing this.
Eli: Fuck both these teams too!
ChatGPT Prediction: Michigan 31–27
Eli Prediction: Second meteor, preferably.
The Rest
UCLA at Michigan State
12:00 PM ET, BTN | Line TBD
ChatGPT: Big opportunity for Sparty to punch back. UCLA’s offense is solid, but Michigan State can make it ugly. If MSU defends the run well, they hang.
Eli: Fuck these two teams in PARTICULAR!
ChatGPT Prediction: Michigan State 24–20
Eli Prediction: Everything that’s bad always and forever.
Northwestern at Penn State
3:30 PM ET, FS1 | Line TBD
ChatGPT: Homecoming crowd, intensity, and pace favor Penn State. But Northwestern lives on trick plays and back-shoulder throws—they might steal a few.
Eli: Fuck this bullshit too.
ChatGPT Prediction: Penn State 30–17
Eli Prediction: Prove it assholes.
Nebraska at Maryland
3:30 PM ET, BTN | Line TBD
ChatGPT: Neutral-ish terrain. Nebraska’s offense wants to run, Maryland’s defense wants to stop it. If the Huskers win the line battle, they win.
Eli: Fuck Maryl —wait a minute fuck Nebraska too!
ChatGPT Prediction: Nebraska 28–23
Eli Prediction: 25 overtimes and the inability to compete in the next game.
Iowa at Wisconsin
7:00 PM ET, FS1 | Line TBD
ChatGPT: Hawkeye‐Badger rivalry. Iowa’s offense still snoozing, but their defense can lean on special teams and field position. If Iowa gets two defensive scores, they might shock the bar.
Eli: Fuck Iowa especially. Wisconsin’s already fucked so that’d just be piling on.
ChatGPT Prediction: Wisconsin 20–17
Eli Prediction: Iowa 36, Wisconsin 10
Final Thoughts
ChatGPT:
The Best: Ohio State–Illinois anchors noon, with Indiana–Oregon in the afternoon and Michigan–USC as the nightcap.
Middle Tier: Penn State gets Northwestern, Nebraska heads east, and MSU faces UCLA.
The Rest: Iowa–Wisconsin is a barometer game for the heart; home crowd may tilt it.
Eli:
Fuck all these teams. You can use this as your early morning open thread!
