BREAKING NEWS — Beatles biographer Mark Lewisohn just uncovered a new diary from Paul McCartney, suggesting the original lyrics to the 1968 hit “Hey Jude” were much different. Just as “Yesterday” originally came to Macca in a dream as a song about scrambled eggs, contemporaneous notes reveal that the seven minute epic was initially about future Minnesota Timberwolf Julius Randle’s troubled history with the franchise.
Canis Hoopus is proud to share an exclusive look at the original lyrics (sung to the tune
of Hey Jude)
Hey Ju—lius Randle
You were decent, but not immaculate
Remember when you took it to Draymond
and backed him down under the basket?
Hey Ju, you got done wrong
by several members of the Buss family
You outplayed Zion and Ingram
and we get why you feel angry
And anytime you feel the pain, hey Ju, refrain,
Don’t treat your coach a little colder
The second apron is so cruel, hey Ju, you’ll do,
The turnaround you neeeeed is over your shoulder
Hey Ju—lius Randle
Take a bad shot and make it wetter
You’ll probably get numbers with the dumb Nets
But Karl-Anthony Towns is way, way better
Better better better better better better, oh!
Na na na nananana, nannana, hey Ju… (repeat until George Harrison walks out on a rehearsal)
Hey folks, some real talk here. I know I just spent the last few paragraphs LARPing as Weird Al Yankovic, but deep down I’m just a Wolves fan with a big ol’ heart. I saw a lot of negative outbursts aimed at Julius Randle in the comments last playoffs and wanted to provide a nuanced assessment of his fun-but-flawed tenure in tree-stripes.
October, 2024 – Julius Randle’s wife allegedly says she prefers Twin Cities suburbs to New York City: I got hyped when someone on Reddit shared this rumor right after a clearly shocked Randle said he “just wants to be wanted” when he got traded on the eve of the ‘24 season. Maybe she’s on to something–the Plymouth K.U.B.E. indoor playground is a dope place to bring the fam.
November 17, 2024 – Ant hugs Julius after buzzer-beater. Unintentional hilarity ensued after Anthony Edwards gave Julius a jubilant hug to celebrate Randle’s game-winning three against the Phoenix Suns, a la Magic Johnson on Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
Julius reacted with saucer eyes, acting as if he had never been appreciated by a teammate before in his life. I guess Larry Nance Jr. isn’t a hugger.
Nov 27, 2024 – Julius struggles to find his footing in a depressing loss to the Sacramento Kings. Early on Julius struggled to fit into the offense. He didn’t have the court vision to facilitate from the elbow like KAT, wasn’t shooting great from three, and just couldn’t find a rhythm. It didn’t help that stonehands Rudy Gobert dropped every pass Randle sent his way.
JR’s stat line looked fine on the outside (21 points and nine rebounds), but he hit one of his five shots from three and chucked up some momentum-stopping head slappers. The Wolves were under .500 and stuck in a four-game losing streak. Nothing blares “it’s not working” like a loss to the Kings.
Dec 7, 2024 – Julius wears great sweater. Say what you will about his on-court achievements, the man performed wonders as cozy-sweater sommelier.
March 30, 2025 – Julius gets 25 points and 8 rebounds against the Detroit Pistons. Somewhere in the final quarter of the ‘24-25 season, Julius really started to settle into his role. This was the game I thought he finally figured it out. Down 16 early, Julius stayed calm and bullied his way to the line over and over. Thanks to Julius, the Wolves clawed back and celebrated a routine win in the midst of a 9-2 hot streak to end the season.
April 30, 2025 – Julius outplays LeBron James. While Jaden McDaniels was the real second option this series (backing an awesome Ant performance), Julius Randle played his part to perfection.
Randle used his strength to wear out Bronny James’ aging dad and saved his best for Game 5. Ruby Gobert got the headlines for this win, but I’ll always respect Julius for putting the team first against the Los Angeles Lakers and balling within the space Chris Finch carved out for him.
May 12, 2025 – Julius is better than Jonathan Kuminga. After dropping the first game to a veteran Golden State Warriors team, the Wolves ran the Dubs off the court for the next four games. Julius’ performance in Game 4 epitomized his dominance in the series, posting 31 points and contributing mightily to Kuminga’s minus-13 in the game.
May 22, 2025 – Oklahoma City slaps the ball out of Randle’s hands. Ooof. Aside from mood swings, Randle’s biggest weakness is losing the ball when pestered by smaller guards. OKC swarmed Julius, and turnovers fell from his fingers like cherry blossoms in an anime fight scene. Julius had six points in Game 2 of the series.
Dec 14, 2025 – Julius keeps the Wolves afloat. The rudderless Wolves got off to a frustrating start to the 2025 season, in no small part due to roster limitations forcing Finch to ask shooting guards to run the offense. Julius played great in December, frequently leading the team in scoring and bailing out the offense when plays broke down. His December 14th performance against Sacramento showed the value of having an 18-point, 9-rebound metronome on a team that struggled to run a play.
Jan 26, 2026 – Julius seems kinda bummed out by ICE shootings. In January 2026, the President paid 4chan moderators to execute a Veterans Affairs nurse. Shortly after this tragedy, the Target Center hosted a bizarre, tear-gas-stained matinee against the Golden State Warriors. Many Wolves fans were disappointed that Steph Curry and Steve Kerr seemed to be more empathetic to Minnesotans than members of our own team.
Julius Randle gave one of the better quotes, clearing a low bar by saying, “Regardless of politics, there’s a human aspect to it. For me, I have kids, I have family; for me, the job as a man is to be the protector of the house. You see things like that, and obviously, it’s tough. It’s hard to stomach things like that… regardless of whatever’s going on, when somebody loses their life, you never want to see that.”
These words aren’t the strongest condemnation, but to Julius’ credit, his demeanor was somber when reflecting on the moment. He honestly seemed saddened by the events, and my take was that he did not want to get death threats for saying the wrong thing.
Feb 6, 2026 – Giannis Antetokounmpo’s viral marketing stunt causes Julius’ self-esteem to crater. I feel for Julius on this one. After saying his only desire was to “feel wanted,” the 2026 trade deadline revealed that he was not wanted by two different teams. The Timberwolves tried to trade him for Giannis, but the Milwaukee Bucks also rejected Julius.
Randle went into a funk, pondering the ephemeral nature of love with each ill-conceived 18-footer. After the trade deadline, Giannis revealed he had an advertising contract with prediction market Kalshi, and it sure seemed like the Greek Freak engineered an effective insider trading campaign by manipulating trade rumors.
I guess that was legal??? Martha Stewart has to be so pissed about this.
May 15, 2026 – Julius scores three points as San Antonio Spurs eliminate Timbies in the second round. Randle was not the only big who floundered against Victor Wembanyama last postseason (pray for Chet Holmgren), but man, did he struuuuuugle. Wemby’s length erased Julius’ bread-and-butter foul-line turnaround/drive to the rim. By the end of the series, it seemed like Randle just wanted to go home.
July 10, 2026 – Julius traded to the third-saddest NYC team. At least it’s not the Jets or Mets, right? Looking back, I will always include Julius in the same category as Carlos Boozer and LaMarcus Aldridge: talented back-to-the-basket bruisers who could support a run to the conference finals, but who ultimately were just below the efficiency bar required for a true second banana on a title team.
No shame in that, Julius! You’re an all-star. I enjoyed your time on the Wolves and wish you the best in Brooklyn–I hear now’s a great time to catch Victorylandat Elsewhere.
