It’s Notre Dame week for the Miami Hurricanes and I need to admit something to you all: I live in a cliched “house divided.” My father-in-law was a ND graduate, and my wife’s uncles played for the Fighting Irish. Annie spent her formidable years in Irish gold, blue, and green while visiting South Bend, IN every fall.
I have been to the Linebacker Lounge and have sat with alumni and letterman watching the golden domers take the field. I’ve stared in awe at Touchdown Jesus (it really is a cool thing
to see for any college football fan). I have relieved myself into the giant bathtub the people of Indiana call modern facilities. I’ve also pulled a splinter from my rear end after sitting on the wooden planks the Irish fans call bleachers.
Notre Dame fans are typically old, ugly and docile (my lovely bride being the exception to the rule, of course)- not unlike one of those goofy pug dogs. They’re not much to worry about as they’re typically passed out with a rerun of Law & Order SVU on TBS TV by an 8pm kickoff anyhow.
So I am familiar with a house divided and having to navigate the in-laws who root root root for that Catholic team. If you, too, are in a house divided (I once had neighbors with FSU-Duke plates that said that…) here is some advice for watching The Irish vs. The ‘Canes on Sunday, August 31th at 8pm.
1- Have the game on in multiple rooms. I once had to watch Miami play the Florida Gators in a room full of Gator fans. Luckily for me the Hurricanes won but it could’ve gotten ugly had they lost. If you have a basement, patio/deck, or den- put the game on in two spots. It’ll be nice to pretend to go to the bathroom but really watch a key drive alone in the secondary location.
Caption: Don’t watch football with jort-wearers
2- Lower the game volume. I typically watch a football game with music as the main audio and the announcers on as background noise. I would prefer C-SPAN for sports but they haven’t created a “crowd only” button, yet. Lowering the game volume should help to take the edge off unless the music is the Pajama Gang in which the ND fans will start fox trotting out of no where, as long as their new hips will allow.
3- Bring snacks that represent your teams. As Miami fans we can bring croquetas, cuban sandwiches, and an 8-ball. Apparently the people of Indiana (thanks, ChatGPT) eat pork tenderloin sandwiches, “Hoosier Pie” (a custard like pie with cream, sugar and butter), breaded fried mushrooms, and Indiana Chili (like Skyline but not the same). And if you can find a good distillery or brewery from South Bend or Miami that’ll work, too.
4- Make a fun, friendly bet with your significant other. Something light hearted like loser cleans the toilets after the onslaught of Hoosier Pie graces the porcelain. Maybe the loser has to wear the winner’s jersey on their next Zoom call. Winner’s flag goes out on the family flag pole for the season… whatever benign bet that keeps it fun and lighthearted. I know if we bet on the toilet thing and Miami was winning I would house another handful of fried shrooms before a trip to the bidet.
5- Stop taking yourself so damn seriously. In all reality you did very little with regards to the outcome on the screen. No, I take that back, you did absolutely nothing. They won (or lost), you watched. Have one less adult water than you planned on, have a few more real waters, and stay calm, hoss or hossette.
