With the big game set to air on ABC and ESPN in February, the NFL announced a collaboration with Disney as part of Disney and ESPN’s “Year of the Super Bowl.” The press release shares that the organizations teamed up with Champion and Fanatics for a “draft” that paired a Disney-owned icon with each NFL team.
The Green Bay Packers drafted the one and only Chewbacca, the tall, furry Wookiee from Star Wars who’s originally from the planet Kashyyyk, home of the (you guessed it) Wookiees. He’s most known
as Han Solo’s co-pilot on the Millennium Falcon and the one member of that crew who didn’t get a medal for his service to the Rebellion (until way too late). Chewy was the choice for the Packers because he’s “loyal to the cause in the cold, snow, sleet and rain,” according to the press release. “Whether it’s Hoth or Lambeau, Chewbacca stays until the job is done.”
While this is purely for merchandising purposes, I began to wonder how Chewy would do against the rest of the team’s icons on their schedule this season. And thus, this article was born!
I am admittedly limited in my knowledge of Wookiees, but I did some research to gauge how powerful Chewy is. His biggest strength is, well, his strength, and stature at a towering 7’6” tall. He has increased stamina and durability, is highly intelligent, and is considered an expert marksman. His weapon of choice is a “bowcaster” aka a laser crossbow.
Week 1: @ Minnesota Vikings
Opponent: Thor
Location: Asgard
Result: L
Record: 0-1
This is a brutal way to open the season for Chewy. Going up against the God of Thunder in Asgard? Sorry, he is not winning this. Even Thor without his hammer (Mjölnir) is taking him down.
Week 2: @ New York Jets
Opponent: Buzz Lightyear
Location: Andy’s Room
Result: W
Record: 1-1
Chewy’s absolutely stomping on that toy in 3.5 seconds. Even if Buzz was able to fly (which he’s not because it’s “falling with style”) it’d just look like a scene from King Kong, with Chewy just swatting him out of the sky like a mosquito. No chance Buzz even lasts one minute in this fight, even with home-field advantage. Hiding under Andy’s bed? Think again, Chewy’s picking it up and tossing that sucker out the window and squashing that plastic spaceman like a bug.
Week 3: vs. Atlanta Falcons
Opponent: Millennium Falcon
Location: Kashyyyk
Result: L
Record: 1-2
Alright, this is the weirdest one on the schedule. This matchup sort of implies the ship is somehow sentient, so Chewy might have a problem on his hands. Chewy’s laser crossbow is no match for the guns on that ship. That ship has taken a beating over the years, so I think it could handle a fight with a Wookiee. If he managed to somehow get inside of it and make it self-destruct, maybe that can happen. However, with the ship’s ability to fly, I don’t see that happening. Tough L to be taken down by your own ship.
Week 4: @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Opponent: Captain Hook
Location: Neverland
Result: W
Record: 2-2
Chewy’s back at .500 after taking down Captain Hook in Week 4. This is a 1-on-1 fight, so while Captain Hook can have his ship, the Jolly Roger, he won’t have his crew. I cannot imagine Captain Hook being smart or quick enough to go up against Chewy. Plus, Captain Hook can’t even defeat a bunch of kids with his crew. He’s not taking down a 7-foot space alien with a laser crossbow, sorry.
Week 5: vs. Chicago Bears
Opponent: Baloo
Location: Kashyyyk
Result: W
Record: 3-2
While fighting a full-grown bear wouldn’t be easy, we’re talking about Baloo here. He attempted to fight the tiger Shere Khan in The Jungle Book and got absolutely embarrassed. He’s not a fighter, which is part of his charm, so I don’t see how he’s going to defeat Chewy, especially on Kashyyyk, a foreign jungle to him.
Week 6: vs Dallas Cowboys
Opponent: Woody
Location: Kashyyyk
Result: W
Record: 4-2
If the fight against Buzz lasts 3.5 seconds, this one is lasting 1.5 seconds. I’m sorry, Woody, but you’re not getting out of this one. You’d be better off back at Sid’s place than fighting a Wookiee on Kashyyyk.
Week 7: @ Detroit Lions
Opponent: Simba
Location: Pride Rock
Result: L
Record: 4-3
This was a close one. This one came down to home-field advantage for me. Chewy could win this if he’s able to get a good shot with his bowcaster on Simba. However, I think being in an unfamiliar place with an animal that’s known for its hunting skills could put Chewy at a disadvantage. I think it’s close overall, but ultimately Simba gets The High Ground and is able to take him down.
Week 8: vs Carolina Panthers
Opponent: Bagheera
Location: Kashyyyk
Result: W
Record: 5-3
Bagheera is probably one of the tougher opponents Chewy will face this season, especially given his speed and agility. But this fight is taking place on Kashyyyk, where Chewy knows the terrain and has the home-field advantage. I think that’s enough to give him the edge.
Week 9: @ New England Patriots
Opponent: Captain America
Location: Avengers Campus
Result: L
Record: 5-4
Captain America is taking Week 9. They are both fighters, however, Cap has more refined combat skills along with the speed and agility of a super soldier. While Chewy has super strength, Cap’s durability and stamina would be a problem because he “can do this all day”. Chewy has the blaster, but that would more than likely backfire since Cap has the vibranium shield that could just deflect it back to him. Sorry, Chewy, but America’s Ass takes the cake.
Week 10: vs. Minnesota Vikings
Opponent: Thor
Location: Kashyyyk
Result: L
Record: 5-5
Home-field advantage doesn’t even move the needle in this one. Chewy doesn’t stand a chance. Chewy’s gonna need to “assemble” his pride back together after back-to-back whoopings by the Avengers. (please laugh, I have a family to feed.)
Week 11: BYE WEEK
Week 12: @ Los Angeles Rams
Opponent: Sulley
Location: Monsters, Inc. in Monstropolis
Result: W
Record: 6-5
After a full week of rest, Chewy is likely looking for some revenge and poor Sulley is going to face the wrath of a scorned Wookiee. While Sulley is similar in size, he’s a scarer but doesn’t actually have much, if any, fighting experience. His scare tactics (zing!) aren’t likely to work on Chewy, who has been in enough battles and faced real life-threatening scenarios.
Week 13: @ New Orleans
Opponent: Louie from The Princess and the Frog
Location: Louisiana Bayou
Result: W
Record: 7-5
Chewy’s got this one in the bag. While an alligator in a bayou deep in Louisiana sounds terrifying, Louie isn’t exactly a fearsome character. He’s really only interested in playing jazz on his trumpet and has little fighting experience. Chewy, meanwhile, has spent his life fighting and surviving in dangerous environments. I think he takes this one easily.
Week 14: vs. Buffalo Bills
Opponent: Beast
Location: Kashyyyk
Result: W
Record: 8-5
Beast is another opponent that matches Chewy’s size and fuzzy appearance, and he’s certainly no pushover. He was able to take on a pack of wolves, but we’re talking about a trained Wookiee warrior. Beast has the strength, but Chewy has the battle experience. It would be one of the tougher fights for Chewy, but ultimately, I think that experience prevails once again.
Week 15: vs. Miami Dolphins
Opponent: King Triton
Location: Kashyyyk
Result: L
Record: 8-6
If this was in Green Bay or Hoth, Chewy’s got this one. However, King Triton definitely beats Chewy on Kashyyyk, despite home-field advantage. Kashyyyk does have oceans, so Triton wouldn’t have any issues surviving the terrain. But according to Greek mythology, Triton is a son of Poseidon. And if The Odyssey taught me anything, it’s that Poseidon won’t let you just mess with one of his kids without some seriously messed up consequences. Chewy’s way above his pay grade in this one.
Week 16: @ Chicago Bears
Opponent: Baloo
Location: A jungle somewhere in India
Result: W
Record: 9-6
Yeah, I’m still not scared of Baloo, even in his own jungle. It’s certainly harder than the first matchup, but Chewy’s gonna sweep Baloo. He’s just not threatening or a fighter.
Week 17: vs Houston Texans
Opponent: Jessie
Location: Kashyyyk
Result: W
Record: 10-6
Chewy’s going 3 for 3 on the Toy Story crew. If you felt bad for Jessie after she was abandoned by her human, just wait until Chewy gets done with her. She’s going to get absolutely destroyed. Not even her trusty steed Bullseye can save her.
Week 18: vs Detroit Lions
Opponent: Simba
Location: Kashyyyk
Result: W
Record: 11-6
Chewy’s splitting the series against Simba. Throw Simba into the terrain on Kashyyyk and he’ll be lost. He barely survived outside of Pride Rock without Timon and Pumbaa there to guide him. It’ll be a tough fight once again, but Chewy’s lay of the land will lead him to victory.
Final record: 11-6.
Overall, Chewbacca has a good chance to make the playoffs. However, I don’t see him making it past the tougher opponents in the NFC, like Thor or Doctor Doom. Even if you play out that scenario 14,000,605 times, Chewy’s not hoisting the Lombardi this year. But what do you think? Did I get Chewy’s record right, or are there any matchups where you think I got it wrong?
