After a bummer of a first inning, Connor Prielipp settles in nicely and the Twins bumblebat their way into an almost-comeback… until You Know What happens. Inning-by-inning notes:
1: Cleveland with City Connects, and these have a Stoopid Number Font. Stoopid Letter Font, too, but the numbers are worse.
Buxton with a leadoff double! Will the Twins move him over with nobody out? HAHAHA they would never. A pointless Martin grounder to left. Jeffers strikes out, so Bux wouldn’t have scored from third anyways,
although you never know when you change the timeline. It’s up to Josh “Doesn’t Ringa” Bell, who strikes out. The Twins have stranded so many leadoff doubles, they DESERVE to finish last in all of sports.
Steven Kwan leads off with that well-placed grounder no Twin has done in a decade. OK, Arraez, but he gone. Prielipp plunks the next guy, Angel Martínez. I’m sure with runners on and nobody out, Cleveland will fail like the Twins always do, it is NORMAL. José Ramírez dribbles one up the middle, Martínez bumps Luke Keaschall (or Keaschall’s arm bumps him), no runner interference called, Kwan scores and it’s ruled an E-4.
Rhys Hoskins sac flies Ramírez home (Wallner’s throw almost gets him). Travis Bazzana has a great name, hails from New South Wales, the P.A. system plays Men At Work’s “Down Under” and rookie Bazzana homers, it’s his first. See, I told you Cleveland was gonna do just like the Twins. Guardians 4-0
2: Except for Buxton, everybody is swinging right through Messick’s 92 MPH outer-half fastballs. Ask John Foley why. Except he don’t like us no more.
We have AppleTV for free because of our phone plan. Along with Netflix, which I haven’t watched in ages, and Hulu, which I watched when What We Do in the Shadows was still on. What do I like to watch on AppleTV? The 24-hour live sex shows. Aside from that, everything on Apple TV sux.
A two-out walk to Kwan makes Prielipp’s pitch count now infinity. He’s locating pitches better than I could in the rain, though (it is raining, although the forecast calls for it to taper off). Martínez strikes out really badly on an inside slider; that’s what they call a “sword.”
3: Royce Lewis hits a ball hard right to a guy. Apple is interviewing Guardians skipper Stephen Vogt about the rain. He says his guys are used to it, the Twins are used to it, all the AL Central teams get rain. I guess we’re Special that way.
One of the TV people wondering if Keaschall should have “sold” that contact with the runner in the first inning. Says, “you don’t want a flop like in the NBA.”
I disagree. When Vlade Divac of the Lakers/Hornets/Kings flopped, the dude would windmill his arms and FLAIL himself backwards, all 7’1″, 260 lbs of him, baseline photographers beware. It was a thing of BEAUTY.
4: Leadoff walk to Jeffers. This causes a rally so stirring, it interrupts the Earth’s Coriolis force.
Apple is mentioning how Prieipp is from Tomah, WI, and they have a yearly Budweiser-sponsored tractor pull. Apple finds this hi-larious. I’m not crazy about that hick s**t myself, but I’ve been to stuff like that and it doesn’t hurt anybody. Bite me, Apple, with yer fookin’ Google Cloud AI ads.
5: I missed it in the game intro, spank me if you’re into that sort of thing, but Messick does have a nice changeup going on. More of a late drop than Johan Santana’s full “fool you” style, but it’s still nice.
Brooks Lee flails one off the very end of the bat into right for a leadoff single, sparking a rally so stirring the world no longer needs blenders or bartenders.
All super credit to Prielipp here. S**t innings happen. He’s really stuck in there, although that doesn’t matter because it’s saving a bullpen that’s not worth saving. Still, I am impressed.
A two-out single by Ramírez and walk to Rhys Hoskins makes me wonder if I’ve activated my Jinx Powers. Nope! Decent play by Royce to step on the bag at third.
6: Apple tells me there’s gonna be a new miniseries of Cape Fear because a sadistic 1962 version and stupid 1991 version weren’t enough. That’s the most stirring movie news since Amazon announced Twins Rally: The Movie.
Martin with a bloop popup double; Apple announces Jeffers AB as “nobody out.” (There is one out.) Jeffers singles! A point! A point! Apple announces “Messick on the ropes,” OK. Bell does knock one barely over the infield for a single. Maybe Apple SAW THE FUTURE?
Sort of, not really. Keaschall singles and the Twins stupidly send Jeffers; he’s out by five feet at home. Apple makes a big deal over whether Brooks Lee, on deck, shoulda moved Keaschall’s bat outta the way for the runner. Maybe, but I think Jeffers still woulda been way out. Then Lee with the infield hit and that chases Messick. Matt Festa in to pitch. He gets Victor Caratini on a called third strike. Still, it’s more runs than I thought the Twins would score tonight.
“Other Kody” Funderburk pitching. Three grounders! I’ll take it. I only plead to the Spirits that this game not last forever, Cleveland 4-1
7: Festa still in there, even with the lefty/righty matchup against Matt Wallner… hahaha, Wallner strikes out badly. Lewis singles to left and… Buxton Homer? More points! All right! Just don’t TIE it, I’m sleepy.
Martin with a single, and goodbye Festa. Bad news: Cleveland has three relievers better than any Twins relievers and they likely won’t need three.
Hmm. They go with Colin Holderman, not one of the three I was thinking of. Martin steals second easily.
Jeffers goes down on a check-swing called strike three that’s actually outside, and Apple has something useful to say for once: if Jeffers HAD challenged that, could the umps or review challenge Jeffers’s check-swing? Because I thought he clearly went too far for a check swing. It IS a good question; neither Apple nor I know the answer.
Anyhoo Josh Bell genuinely cranks one but it’s right at RF Martínez, inning ovah.
ThunderFunder still pitching. Kwan with a one-out double that woulda been a triple if it hadn’t bounced into the stands. ThunderFunder out; Eric “Oozy” Orze in. (Note: Kwan has a runner’s hand glove that looks like a Futuristic Oven Mitt imagined in 1966 kitchen magazines.) Orze gets Martínez but not Ramírez; what, did you want BOTH? How greedy of you. (Nagurskiinnortheast points out that first base was open, but who’s quibbling, we knew the Twins had no chance anyways.) Spiders 5-3
8: Keaschall walks and this chases Holderman; after the pitching-change commercial, Apple runs footage of Keaschall wrestling in high school (he was apparently quite good). Anyways, very Sweaty Stuff.
Tim Herrin in to pitch; he IS one of the good Guardian relievers I mentioned. He gets Brooks Lee, but Victor Caratini singles to right, scampering Keaschall to third. Apple says “if there’s ever a great time for Matt Wallner to get going” and you know what will happen, a K or GIDP.
I was wrong! A flyout too short for Keaschall to tag up. That’s an IMPROVEMENT for Wallner. (Why he wasn’t pinch-hit for? You tell me, Derek Shelton won’t.) Lewis grounds out. I’d be mad at the Twins but I got over it last July.
8.04 ERA Anthony Banda pitching. A+ for facewear with glasses and stylish ear studs. Less than A+ on pitching, though; leadoff single to David Fry. Bazzana beats out the back end of a DP (on a tiresome replay review; get it right the first time, umps, I want this game to end). Bazzana easy steal of second. Then Banda plunks Brayan Rocchio, and we have a injury delay while Rocchio hops around a bit, geez. Just surrender the homer already so I can start “polishing” the recap (as “polished” as these things are gonna get). Double steal; infield in. Austin Hedges bounces one off Banda’s chest/face that ricochets into left; Fry scores. Petey Halpin tries a squeeze bunt; Banda actually fields it well for the 1-2 putout. Kwan walks; pitching change. This inning is taking FOREVER. New acquisition Yoendrys Gómez in; he gets the last out. Hoo. RAY. Nice city by the lake 6-3
9: Cade Smith closing, he’s no Anthony Banda but he’s alright. Buxton with his third hit! A sharp grounder. (He also has the Jetsons running glove; that must be standard, now. You LEARN things watching TV.) A Martin blooper advances Buck to third. Ryan Jeffers RBI GIDP and I’m headed upstairs (my only TV that can play Apple TV is in the basement so I can play movies as loud as I wanna). Twins lose.
Studs: Buxton! Buxton! Buxton! Martin 3-4 plus a nice catch. Duds: I don’t wanna pick on any struggling Matts, so we’ll just say Eat Crap Derek Falvey for your worthless tenure that ended in shame (and probably a nice lucrative next job for you, you pr**k).
COTG go to everyone who showed up for a game that only 0.001% of Twins fans have TV access to. (There will be more! Including TWO STRAIGHT FRIDAYS on 5/29 and 6/5, won’t that be FUN.) But we’ll go ahead and single out norff for explaining Cleveland culture, Nagurskli for Orze Appreciation, and Uncle Lincoln for the Godfather III trailer reference with “Just when I thought I was out… they pull me right back to glancing at the scoreboard every 15 minutes or so.”
Tomorrow’s game features Tanner Bibee against our own Joe Ryan at 5:10 Central. Catch ya next time!
