We are 17 days away from the Wolves finally lacing up and hitting the court for real, so I thought what better way to put a tidy bow on an especially eventful offseason this year than by presenting you my official Wolves doggelgangers list!
I must say, it took me an incredible amount of restraint not to call this a “Shih Tzu post”, but beyond the forced pun, it would also be misleading as a Shih Tzu is nowhere to be found on this Wolves roster (more on that shortly).
For this list we’re keeping it
to the 14 players on Uniform Player Contracts, so, a moment of silence, please, for Rocco Zikarsky, Zyon Pullman, Enrique Freeman, and all the training camp signees, who are still very much alive and you will probably be seeing them on the floor next week, so, moving on.
Each player’s doggo equivalent has been carefully studied and selected according to two main factors: a little bit of physiology and a lot of personality. I tried to avoid comparing physical features – namely, the face – but I can’t stop any of you from looking through this list and thinking, “Hey, they kind of do look alike!” That’s on you, bub.
Exclusions to note: As a professional dog-walker, I decided not to include any of my own client breeds, because I did not want any of my own biases to taint the irrefutable accuracy of this comprehensive and definitive list. If I had my way, though, every player would be a Maltese, but then the Shih Tzus would hunt me down and finish me once and for all.
So with that said, I also chose to disqualify toy dogs altogether. We are NOT toying around here. This is serious business. We ain’t over here handing out free Tamagotchis or Hello Kitties. NO! This is all about THE DOGS 🐶
“Who let the dogs out?” The question you should be asking is, “What dogs are we letting out?” I guess now is as good a time as any to let ‘em loose!
The Good Boys List
LaMelo Ball – Bull Terrier
Bullseye! That’s right, we’re kicking off this list with straight heat. The Bull Terrier, known by most as the face of Target’s very own loyal mascot.
This goofy, somewhat capricious egghead is always an experience. Never a dull moment, they can be quite mischievous and wildly unpredictable, but it’s all part of the charm. They are ride-or-die for their family, even if they like to keep to themselves from time to time. Independent souls bursting with genial joy, the Bull Terrier is infectious and impossible to deny. They are the wild card connector, a dead ringer for LaMelo, only with considerably less tattoos (Bullseye still has just the one as far as I know).
Anthony Edwards – Boxer
Maybe you were somewhat enjoying this article, but right about now you’re probably looking to see if there is a way to report me for “editorial concerns – BULLSH**”.
I get it. No English Bulldog for Ant is a hard pill to swallow. Fear not, Ant Jr.‘s fellow tribesmen do make an appearance later on down this list, so deep breaths, everyone!
For Ant, the Boxer is a spitting image. They will charm your socks off, and then whisk them away to add to their secret sock stash. They also love shoes, and right about now are probably chomping at the bit to sink their canines into those new Adidas AE 3’s (this is not an ad).
But it’s because they can’t stand being away from family that they cherish those things. They are extremely sociable, loyal, and entertaining as all get-out, with moves as smooth as Ant waltzing down the lane for a reverse scoop.
Jaden McDaniels – Shiba Inu
Wow. Such surprise.
Aside from both being prolific meme magnets, Jaden and the Shiba are also both strong-willed, if not a bit aloof when it comes to certain people, like the entire Denver Nuggets team. The Shiba might hate the Nuggets even more than Jaden, and that’s saying something! With people in their own circle, though, they are super friendly.
Stubbornly willful, they’re impossible not to love. I mean, just look at that silly boy up there! Cheesing, rocking that headband. If more dogs wore headbands, the world would be a much better place, but they would probably just end up brushing it off and chewing it to shreds, because the world is unfair.
Jonathan Kuminga – Basenji
The barkless dog. Silent warrior. Hailing from the Congo region, these are some serious athletes, capable of jumping out of the gym…
…when they feel like it.
Prone to lazy stretches, they sometimes need to be pushed to get up and going. Sound like someone we know? So far in his career, Kuminga seems to have built up a (possibly embellished) reputation as a lazy player. In the right environment and the right situation, which I believe this is, Kuminga can flourish. Expect huge leaps, both figuratively and literally, from JK this season.
Rudy Gobert – Doberman Pinscher
The protector. Muscular and compact, the Doberman exudes power and nobility. They are incredibly stoic, but with a sensitive side as well. I feel like if the Doberman could write, they would write deep, soulful poetry and also post cleverly subtle jabs online like “Insecurity is always loud”, obviously directed at that pugnacious pug next-door that’s always trying to throw paws. Pick on someone your own size, Draymond doggo!
Ayo Dosunmu – Sighthound
Sneaky pick for coolest dog name on this list, much like Ayo, the Sighthound is also sneaky quick. With an aerodynamic build, they slither, weave, and then hit the gas to secure their prey. Unlike the Sighthound, Ayo doesn’t actually eat his defenders (we hope), but they are food in a sense, and much like the Sighthound, Ayo can spot prey from many yards away.
Both have a surprisingly chill demeanor, which can prove deceptive, as they are both supremely hungry and opportunistic attackers. When they smell blood, it’s over. You’re already dead.
Well, this just got dark.
Terrence Shannon Jr. – German Shorthaired Pointer
Known as the all-purpose gun dog, the German Shorthaired Pointer possesses limitless stamina, able to stake out in swamps and timbers for hours on end. They are lightning quick and incredibly agile. Impressively dynamic, as long as they aren’t forced to go right!
Donte DiVincenzo – Australian Shepherd
From the land down under! (sorry, Rocco)
All work, no BS, the Aussie Shepherd was probably the dog that inspired John Lennon to pen the lyric “working like a dog” in Hard Day’s Night. John was a cat person, too, so it was really brave of him to write that (unless it was Paul…hmm…)
A natural born leader that models the way, these herders are lunch pail dogs that simply get the job done. When they’re not hard at work, however, they can grow restless and start wreaking havoc, so someone should probably go check on Donte’s crib. Remember, when it comes to furniture: crash, don’t trash. You’ve got this, Donte! We’ll be seeing you out there very soon.
Trey Lyles– English Labrador
It’s all about the fundamentals with this one. Much like Lyles, the English Labrador is sound across the board, albeit a tad slower than other Labrador breeds.
They can lean more on the thicc side. Stockier up top, you would be wise not to try to post them up. I bet they’re mad sh** talkers too, because they’re British. Like highbrow insults that make you stop and think, “What does that even me”—BZZZ! Shot clock violation. Too slow, Pinocchio.
Joan Beringer – German Shepherd
That dog your girlfriend tells you not to worry about.
These working dogs are cool operators, stealthily sniffing out the cracks and then punking the bad dudes by yamming it on their faces. Wait no, that’s Beringer. But I bet if you gave a German Shepherd a basketball (cool children’s book idea), they would stop at nothing to posterize the entire criminal database. That’s just how they roll.
With an insatiable appetite for learning, these are some of the most teachable dogs out there. Beringer might not be searching for the next big drug bust (yet!) but what these two do have in common is that they are in a constant search for purpose, and that purpose is to be the doggone best at what they do.
Bones Hyland – Jack Russell Terrier
These zippy happy-go-luckies can be hard to keep up with. They never slow down! The Energizer Bunny of dogs, the Terrier has one gear: turbo.
They tend to overestimate their own size, and that can run them into trouble. Don’t bother trying to tell them – they won’t listen (they also wont’t know what you’re trying to say because they’re dogs). These little speedsters think of themselves as one of the big boys.
While physically that might not be true, what they lack in size they more than make up for in heart. That thing is always in the right place, no matter what, and truly shines through when they’re palling around with family and friends.
Like a spunky cheerleader, the Terrier is a fiercely loyal hypeman. They’ll make you want to strip down and zoom around the yard yourself!
Jaylen Clark – English Bulldog
Finally Ant. Jr has a buddy! About a month ago when Clark was running his annual summer camp at the Midtown YWCA in Minneapolis, he brought Ant along to entertain the kids. Watching the vlog, I saw Ant and Clark look at each other once or twice, almost like there was this unspoken acknowledgement. I think Ant knows exactly the type of dog Clark has in him.
The question is, does Clark know?
Cody Williams – Bernese Mountain Dog
A fitting name-pairing for a player who used to twinkle the twine as a Buffalo (wait, that’s not a dog) in the mountain state of Colorado. Slow to mature, the Bernese usually takes a few years to mentally grow into their bodies. Let our fingers do the filthiest crossover imaginable in hopes that Williams sees a similar trajectory in this league.
Isaiah Evans – Tibetan Mastiff
How Evans fairs in the NBA remains to be seen, so I did some digging through the pet movie archives and found a Tibetan Mastiff from the animated film “The Secret Life of Pets,” aptly named Duke. I’m not going to lie, the real reason I chose this shaggy dog was because for the life of me I can’t really fathom what I’m looking at here. I mean, what?
But speaking of shaggy dogs, hopefully Evans’ NBA journey doesn’t wind up being a shaggy dog story. I have faith that it won’t, that any potential shagginess will be swiftly shed, and that soon enough Evans will be zooming around and through the competition with the sleekness of [insert literally any other Mastiff that isn’t a Tibetan Mastiff – seriously, can those dogs even see through all that? Like, seriously, what?]
And there you have it! As LaMelo so eloquently stated on media day, this Wolves squad is “a real dog team,” and this list more than backs that up.
Top, down, side to side, the Wolves got that dog in ‘em.
Do you?
