The summer of our discontent has at long last reached its steamy conclusion (ok, probably not, but one can dream). This Saturday marks the start of a new, slightly less swampy season, and the Tigers have a stern challenge from the Bayou Bengals right out of the gate.
If you’re familiar with this particular article series, you’ll know what’s coming next; I’m about to discuss my hatred for all things LSU. If you’re not familiar with this particular article series, welcome. I say mean things about the
interesting teams on Clemson’s schedule.
You can decide which parts are Satire.
The first thing I need to do is address a common question I’ve received from my adoring public this offseason.
Drew, aren’t you afraid to say mean things about LSU? You know those people are nuts! Their mothers put swamp water in their baby bottles instead of milk! They keep water moccasins as pets! They live in a God forsaken swamp that any sane human group of humans would have abandoned for more hospitable conditions immediately after they witnessed someone being dragged into the water and eaten by a living dinosaur.
I appreciate the concern.
I understand that, as one of the preeminent team-specific sports blogging minds currently living in my house, my safety is of utmost importance, not just for myself, but for the entire college football community. I have taken appropriate measures to fortify my home against any LSU fan who wishes me harm.
BEWARE OF DOG!
I get it, some of y’all might think this short king couldn’t fight off a Gamecock, much less a Bayou Bengal.
You’d think that right up until this trained killer caught you napping and snatched your ankle from the back side. Trust me, he’s got the brain power of a beagle and the bravery of a dachshund. More importantly, he’s 100% unadulterated North Georgia redneck. As long as there aren’t thunderstorms in the forecast and it’s before 10 P.M. (that’s when the fear gets him), this pant leg-shredding murder machine is on high alert for anyone who dares violate his domain.
We share similar views of the world.
He hates everyone other than my wife and daughter. He tolerates me because I feed him. That’s how I see things as well.
You Want the Truth?
LSU fans get a bad rap. I’m sure you’ll run into a few good old boys barbequing up swamp puppies on Saturday, and generally speaking, if you approach these folks with caution and an extra beer or shot of whiskey in your hand, they’ll extend an invitation to sample some of the best tailgating food you’ll ever experience even if the origins of said food are questionable at best.
My suggestion is not to overstay your welcome and to remember that these folks aren’t at the top of their local food chain.
They are built different.
They’re the American version of an Australian. They’ll show you one hell of a good time, but under no circumstances should you do anything that resembles challenging them to a fight. If you don’t bother them, they won’t bother you. If you show them a good time, they’ll show you a good time.
Most Importantly…
If they hand you a drink, drink it.
Are they pouring it out of a repurposed value brand bleach bottle?
Doesn’t Matter, at least it’s sanitized – Drink it, slam it down and say, “hell yeah brother, pour me another one!”
Does it smell like something you should use gloves to handle?
It probably is, and it doesn’t matter – Slap yourself in the face, yell GO TIGERS, throw it straight down the hatch, and pray it doesn’t try and escape.
These folks don’t look kindly upon weakness, and rejecting their hospitality is a grave insult.
Don’t get me wrong, not all LSU fans are welcoming swamp folks.
The LSU fans you need to be concerned with are the ones wearing a dry-fit LSU polo that you can hear straining to contain a gut built through years of self-indulgence. That’s usually paired with monogrammed, pleated khakis and matching boat shoes.
Those are the dudes ready to fight at the drop of a hat. You know the ones I’m talking about.
They’re not unique to the LSU fanbase. Clemson has their own version of this fan, but LSU has the highest concentration of guys who just found out their second ex-wife’s new boyfriend has two bitchin’ jet skis that his sons (Jack-Son and Jack-Sin) call him dad now.
These guys are in their late 30s, early 40s, and will tell anyone within earshot that they’ve been drinking since 6 a.m. These are the LSU fans with nothing to lose. They’ve seen the inside of every drunk tank in the southeast and haven’t made it into more than one stadium because of police intervention.
The best thing you can do if confronted with one of these time bombs is to avoid eye contact and keep moving. Even if they have a nice-looking spread and invite you in, politely decline because you’re one utterance away from brawling with the owner of a soon-to-be-bankrupt landscaping company on top of a pile of hot wings.
As long as you avoid the obvious landmines, LSU fans are some of the most hospitable I’ve come across.
I’m going to post three pictures. Y’all tell me which one doesn’t belong.
LSU went from being a haven for some of the weirdest and dirtiest coaches in college athletics history to harboring a week-old vat of vanilla pudding. Sure they may have struggled to keep it between the NCAA ditches, but they were always entertaining. Now that there are no rules, they went out and hired Brian Kelly.
Please, someone, make this make sense!
Did they confuse Brian Kelly with someone else?
Were they tricked into this?
Look at this man. He should never have been allowed to escape the Midwest; much less been given the reins to one of the most entertaining southern football programs in the history of the sport. It’s bad enough that one of the allegedly premier football programs in the country went out and hired a guy who claimed he didn’t have enough resources to win at Notre Dame.
They unleashed this upon college football…
Notre Dame and Brian Kelly were a perfect fit!
He was good enough to keep the job, but he was never going to bring in enough talent to be truly elite, because, well, he’s Brian Kelly.
All things being even, would you want to play for him?
The Fighting Irish were fine with affixing a crimson-faced lunatic with the charisma of a murder-hornet to their program. He was the anchor on Notre Dame that the rest of college football needed! Clemson and LSU could have both taken turns putting up three-touchdown beatings on a Brian Kelly-led, schedule-assisted, College Football Playoff Notre Dame team.
DO YOU KNOW HOW GOOD IT FEELS TO BOAT RACE NOTRE DAME IN THE CFP?
I do.
Clemson’s 2018-19 30-3 CFP steamrolling of Notre Dame in the Cotton Bowl was one of the most cathartic experiences of my life. Every point Clemson scored raised my spirits to new college football heights. I had to sit down on the couch, put my head between my knees, and breathe into a paper sack during the fourth quarter because, apparently, laughing for two hours straight causes you to hyperventilate.
Every college football fan should get to experience that at least once in their life, but nooooooooo…… LSU had to ruin the fun.
LSU forced Notre Dame to go from this…
To This…
…and I don’t think I can ever forgive them.
I hate Notre Dame with every fiber of my being, but I’m not going to lie: I’d play for Marcus Freeman. The fact that I’m forced to admit this in an article that will undoubtedly garner millions of views makes me thirsty for Bengal Tiger blood.
Scott Woodward, what destruction have you wrought upon the college football landscape?
Haven’t we suffered enough?
LSU is supposed to be the wild card of college football. They’re supposed to be the cayenne pepper in the college football Gumbo. They went from a sweat-dripping, gravel-throated, mad man, in Coach O, to Brian “No thank you, Ketchup is too spicy, do you have any mayo, or better yet, Miracle Whip?” Kelly. I want to revisit the 2019-2020 LSU athletic program. Back when Will Wade and Coach O were an unstoppable force of entertainment and corruption. That’s the role the college athletics Gods laid out for LSU at the very start of the universe. They are the Alpha and Omega of shady dealings and recruiting violations.
Do y’all remember when an LSU donor got caught embezzling from a hospital foundation and using it to buy a couple of recruits? Do you remember how the public response was, “Wait what?!?” soon followed by “Oh, never mind, it’s LSU, this tracks.”
I WANT THAT BACK!
The problem is there’s no going back. We’re stuck in this grim LSU timeline…which brings me to my final point.
It’s Time to Punish LSU for Making College Football Less Fun!
Ladies and Gentlemen, the time has come to shake off your post-COVID post-Trevor malaise and do your part in returning the Clemson Tigers to their ordained place at the pinnacle of college football.
I’m sick to death of the transfer portal.
I’m sick to death of conference realignment.
I’m sick to death of being constantly bombarded by the “new reality” of college football.
The only cure for this horrible affliction is to watch the Clemson-By-God-Tigers take Brian Kelly and his brand of unseasoned boneless, skinless chicken breast and steamed broccoli LSU football and treat them like Trevor and the boys treated Brian Kelly’s Notre Dame teams in what seems like a different college football universe.
Remember when Notre Dame pretended like it won the Super Bowl after knocking off a depleted, Trevorless Clemson in South Bend?
Remember how they stormed the field after knocking off “little old Clemson” at home?
LOOK AT THIS PICTURE! BRIAN KELLY IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS!
Now that sentient cottage cheese-filled water balloon thinks he can come into the Real Death Valley and knock off the Tigers in prime time?
He left Notre Dame because he knew he could never beat a team like Clemson on equal footing, because, and I have to repeat this once more…he’s Brian Kelly, and he’s bringing his squad of declawed Tigers with him. He’s expecting to leave with a victory.
Folks, the ramifications of LSU winning this game not only affect Clemson football but the entire college football ecosystem. The only people in the world who want Brian Kelly at LSU are Scott Woodward, Brian Kelly, and Brian Kelly’s accountant.
We can help the college football world regain some of its swag on Saturday night. LSU isn’t supposed to be another nine-win and a bowl game corporate college football entity. Brian Kelly bribes the band to play Lawrence Welk tunes. His head might explode if they played Neck.
Clemson can help fix this!
The complete and total destruction of LSU could start a chain reaction that ends with someone, literally anyone else, coaching LSU next season. I know the odds are long, but LSU fans are willing to get on board if we lead the way and show them the light.
I have a confession to make.
I don’t hate LSU.
When Deaf Valley is rocking under the lights, it’s college football nirvana!
Clemson needs to be the good shepherd and show LSU the error of their current ways. I have a list of appropriate coaches at the ready, and they’re exponentially more fun than Brian Kelly.
All I want is for things to return to the way they should be in Baton Rouge. That starts tomorrow when the Clemson Tigers expose this LSU team for the college football frauds they are, in front of the entire nation.
This is in everyone’s best interest…including LSU’s.
