I don’t particularly care for people who say, “I’ll be honest with you,” after I’ve had an hour-long conversation with them about their family, work, or the car they’re trying to sell me. So you were lying this whole time? You don’t have two kids, and this car has NO WHEELS? But that being said, I’ll be honest with you: I was fully expecting the San Antonio Spurs to win Game 2 so that on the heels of the overreactions from Game 1, I was hoping to careen in the complete opposite direction and declare
this Spurs team the greatest team to ever walk the Earth if that final shot from Victor Wembanyama went through the hoop.
But. We’re here, and I’m committed to the bit. Let’s panic some more.
10. Even the Knicks alums outnumbered the Spurs alum. I saw the great George Gervin sitting behind the great David Robinson, and I saw my personal G.O.A.T. Manu Ginóbili stop by the Inside the NBA booth. But then I also noticed former Knicks players in attendance like Walt Frazier Jr., Patrick Ewing, Allan Houston, and Billy Baldwin. Sure, Billy Baldwin wasn’t a Knick, but there’s so many Baldwin brothers that you can’t tell me that at least one of them suited up for the team at one point or another. And yes, I know (as the graphic below illustrates), apparently there were other notable Spurs alums like Tim Duncan and Danny Green in attendance, but we’re overreacting remember? So facts and evidence or any reasonable arguments have no place here.
9. The average price of gas in the United States is $4.22 per gallon. This particular overreaction is related to basketball because as number 10 above suggests, even millionaire celebrities and former professional athletes are flocking down to San Antonio because the cost of living is so high in New York.
“I threw that one away. I messed up … Am I going to regret it? Yes, of course. Am I gonna use that to fuel me and to fuel us next game? Absolutely.”
Yes, Victor Wembanyama, we hope you do use that to fuel you and fuel your team for the next game. But I suggest a rewards card, coupons, or something because gas prices are more insane than that almost comeback down 14 points with about 6 minutes remaining.
8. Luke Kornet has too many jobs on this team. Let’s list them out: official pregame salsa dancer, grab any and every single rebound that ever existed, did exist, will exist, and might exist (yes, even theoretical rebounds) whenever his feet touches the floor, block every shot in his orbit, beyond his orbit, even ones in black holes (yes, we expect him to defy physics and reach into a super compact astronomical body where even light cannot escape—but he better come back out with a block or a steal). And he’s supposed to do all of this in 5 – 7 minutes per game. Got it? Good. Do it again!
7. The NBA needs more father/assistant coaches of players getting into on-court ruckuses with opposing team players. I’m not saying there’s not enough distractions during a Finals game, but given the entertainment value and to help cope with big losses, I feel like we could use more drama during these games. There’s a certain uncle I remember from the Spurs’ past who would might be suited for such a kerfuffle between relatives adjacent to their family members who happen to be professional athletes and other professional athletes.
6. The nuns are back in. I would like to apologize for what I said about not needing the nuns after Game 1. Our boys are down 0-2. At this point, we need more nuns, more monks, more Jedi, whatever divine intervention or universal power that will will this team back to the victory column. Baby Yoda (Grogu) is only 53 years old? So that means he’s too young to have allied himself with an NBA team yet. Let’s play the celebrity card against the Knickerbockers and recruit Pedro Pascal (who grew up in San Antonio!) to influence Grogu to swear allegiance to the Spurs before those evil Sith Lords from Madison Square Garden sink their claws into him.
I’m waaay past shock, panic, and anger. I’m at the bargaining stage where if “The Force” can get the Spurs two wins on the road in NYC then sign me up for a lifetime of dressing in robes and living in mud huts in the swamp. I mean, I’ve been to Florida—I can handle it.
5. The Spurs are not spoiled enough.
We’re kind of like spoiled kids,” he said. “For some of us, it’s our first season and we’re already in the Finals. We don’t fully realize it yet. And to me, the team that appreciates the position we’re in the most will be the one that wins.”
Three straight lottery picks that are panning out so far? Boring. Five titles in six finals trips that span over a consistent-never-miss-the-playoffs, multi-decade benchmark of excellence? Wake me up when we win ten titles in row. Wembanyama is wrong here. We need to be more spoiled. It’s not enough if the other fan bases become extremely annoyed with us, it needs to extend to other sports like football, fútbol (soccer, for you domestic heathens), cricket, and other species like dolphins, crickets, and penguins. They all need to be annoyed at how much winning the Spurs are obtaining.
4. Playoff scars are too gruesome. Yeah sure, the Oklahoma Thunder (the latest version) went through it in 2024 when they lost to the Dallas Mavericks before breaking through last year. But the Mavericks made it to the Finals that year with a young team! And they (checks notes) lost to the Boston Celtics (the latest version), who had their own long list of heart-breaking playoff losses. For every young team that magically made it to the Finals or close to getting to the finals on their first run with a specific squad and superstar (e.g., Thunder, Mavericks, Pacers, these Spurs), there was another team with their own playoff scars that were either more experienced or had better injury luck (like the New York Knicks).
It happens, but I don’t want it happen. It’s mentally taxing. Instead of playoff scars, can we just get playoff “boo boos,” orange slices, and maybe a birria taco? Are we still at the bargaining stage? In exchange for two wins on the road in NYC for the Spurs, can we send all the birria tacos to Manhattan AND I’ll move to Florida?
3. Victor Wembanyama might need contacts, goggles, LASIK, or is still suffering from that concussion from round 1.
“I’m still very blurry, and that’s the whole problem. I need to have more poise, more control over the game.”
Blurry? Sir, what do you need because I know people who know people who can get you giant sports goggles so big that it would make Horace Grant blush. I mean Wembanyama did shoot 52% from the field, which was a marked improvement from Game 1’s 29% field goal percentage. So I guess when he meant “blurry” he was talking about poise and control over the game, the very thing he elaborated on in the second sentence of that quote. No one said reading comprehension was important outside of the SATs anyway. That would be insane.
2. The Spurs are too mature for their age. Speaking of insanity, that late turnover by Wembanyama was complete bonkers. What made it more crazy for me was how quickly Wembanyama accepted responsibility, apologized, and also how calmly Stephon Castle dapped him in the chest and (presumably) told him it’s OK, or to presumably tell him that it was actually his fault. It matters whose fault it is because it was a huge blunder, but it also didn’t matter because the game wasn’t over, and they almost won it anyway. ALMOST BEING THE OPERATIVE WORD. But. You get what I’m saying.
I mean what, I’m supposed to believe that with about 10 seconds left in Game 2 of the NBA freakin’ Finals that a 22 year old and a 21 year old handled that big of a turnover during the most crucial part of the most important game they’ve ever played (so far) in their professional lives with the maturity of Van Halen and David Lee Roth reuniting after decades of animosity?
Where’s the yelling? Where’s the blame game? Where is that photo of LeBron James with two arms outstretched as he incredulously gawks at J.R. Smith during the 2018 Finals?
If the actual players on the floor are more poised and calm even in the face of mistakes, why couldn’t us fans be as zen? Because that’s what we do: we’re freaking out, man.
1. Desperate times call for desperate mentalities.
“It’s not the first to win two … We just have to come out with a mentality of just being more desperate.”
OK so I really like this quote not because Dylan Harper said it but because Dylan Harper said it as convincingly as his play on the court has been. The fans seem pretty desperate. I’m told no car horns were honked throughout the burrows of San Antonio. At least Spurs-related honking. There’s always honking on 1604 because it’s more of a mosh pit for cars than a major highway.
At least the players are saying the quiet part out loud. They have to be desperate because us couch riders are already there.
