We all need a break from unreliably sourced Jaylen Brown trade rumors.
Instead, we need Jaylen Brown trade rumors that are completely unsourced (well, not completely, my brother helped out with a couple).
Atlanta Hawks: The Hawks have offered to trade back Ed Macauley and Cliff Hagan for Jaylen Brown, but this might be an overpay.
Brooklyn Nets: The Nets will agree to an admission that the fancy floor at the Barclay Center was just an attempt to one-up the Celtics, and that they’re really sorry about
that.
Charlotte Hornets: Michael Jordan (yep, he’s still a minority owner) has promised to give Stevens some advice on how to identify talent in the draft. The Celtics are letting this one ride.
Chicago Bulls: The Bulls have offered up usage rights for “Sirius” as the team’s walk-on music.
Cleveland Cavaliers: The Cavs haven’t actually put an offer in. They’re waiting for Jaylen to suffer a hip injury before they pull the trigger.
Dallas Mavericks: The Mavs’ offer centers around an explanation for how the heck they won the lottery the same year that they traded away Luka Doncic for what was left of Anthony Davis and some allegedly magic beans.
Denver Nuggets: They’ll pressurize Ball Arena to sea level for Celtics road games.
Detroit Pistons: The key piece in Detroit’s package is a formal apology for drafting Bill Laimbeer.
Golden State Warriors: The Warriors will pass on the secret of Draymond Green’s popularity—and why the heck anybody wants to listen to what he has to say off the court.
Houston Rockets: The Rockets have offered Kevin Durant and assurances that, really, Kevin is very sorry for all the stuff he said and did online, and that he’s really never ever going to do that again, and this time he means it, and also that maybe Kevin didn’t actually do all that anyway, and oh, look, a big distracting thing.
Indiana Pacers: The Pacers have promised that they’ll release Larry Bird from the cell they’re keeping him in under the Gainbridge Fieldhouse.
L.A. Clippers: The Clippers haven’t offered Boston anything directly, but they do have a nice endorsement deal for Jaylen.
L.A. Lakers: Did you know that the C’s have only executed three trades with the Lakers in their collective history? It’s been almost 22 years since the last trade. Anyway, the Lakers don’t really have any players to offer, but they have a bunch of AI-generated images of Jaylen in a Lakers jersey.
Memphis Grizzlies: The Grizzlies offer includes a like-new, low-mileage Ja Morant complete with intermittent social media presence.
Miami Heat: Pat Riley will give Brad Stevens five free lessons in hair greasing. He assures Brad that, no, the dry look really is out, and soon everybody will be once again styling their hair like 1970s Henry Winkler.
Milwaukee Bucks: They have inherited the Miami Heat Trade PackageTM, and have offered it to Boston.
Minnesota Timberwolves: The Timberwolves have offered two things—Lamelo Ball as well as Lamelo’s promise that he’ll do all his in-town driving in a Cozy Coupe.
New Orleans Pelicans: Beignets. Lots of them.
New York Knicks: Knicks superfan Spike Lee will spend an entire season dressed up as Lucky, the Celtics mascot. It’s potentially a good fit as Spike is already slightly shorter than most leprechauns.
Oklahoma City Thunder: Team management will sign over the contract with the devil that is the secret behind SGA’s foul grifting.
Orlando Magic: They’ll change their nickname to the Orlando Larry Legends.
Philadelphia 76ers: Sixers president of basketball operations and secret voodoo practitioner Daryl Morey will give Boston the phone number of the witch doctor they used to hex Boston in the playoffs this year
Phoenix Suns: The offer from the Valley of the Sun is several truckloads of warm weather to be delivered in January of each year.
Portland Trail Blazers: Boston has secured a promise that they’ll change their name to Trailblazers, because, I mean, come on, nobody uses two words to spell ‘trailblazer.’
Sacramento Kings: The Kings, well, the Kings just want everybody to know that Oscar Robertson once played for them three towns and a nickname ago, and if you could help spread the word, that would be great. Oh, and also, they won an NBA title in 1951.
San Antonio Spurs: The Spurs have offered the Payaya artifact which enabled them to draft Tim Duncan and Victor Wembyama—but only for the next three seasons.
Toronto Raptors: The Raptors want to build Boston a copy of the CN tower. Their belief is that the Boston skyline isn’t pointy enough.
Utah Jazz: Danny Ainge will send over his lifetime Chipotle card. The Celtics are seriously considering this one.
Washington Wizards: The Wizards package includes one eyebrow waxing coupon from Anthony Davis (never used), and a game worn ‘That’s All Folks’ T-shirt.
