Here’s where an intro would go if I wasn’t a hack and a fraud.
That was a rough day all around
Our boys in blue-ish hopped a flight all the way to sunny Madrid for an internationally renowned contest against the Washington Shmoshingtons. Both teams came in with a 3-7 record and both teams played as though those records were well deserved.
The Dolphins gave up 172 yards on the ground, threw for 171 yards total, and took this thing the whole way to overtime before squeaking out a win.
Coaches were excited to be involved in the chaos,
specifically when Mike McDaniel opted to give De’Von Achane his 212th carry on 3rd and goal, despite Ollie Gordon being designed in a lab for just that purpose. Of course, Achane didn’t make it and got hurt, at which point MM tried Gordon on 4th down, daring the defense to stuff the run when it was more telegraphed than Alexander Graham Bell, which they promptly did.
Give it to OGII on 3rd. Kick it on 4th. Get it together, Mike.
Even the refs felt the urge to get in on the goofin’. With 5:37 left in the 2nd quarter, Miami had the Shmoshingtons pinned back on their own 6 yard line. They stuffed Jacory Croskey-Merritt for a 1 yard loss, bringing up 2nd and 11 from the 5. An incomplete pass brought up 3rd and 11 from the 5, where Washington ran a draw for 4 yards and punted to— just kidding.
That’s almost certainly how it would have played out had the officials not invented a phantom pass intereference on Jack Jones that was the worst PI call I’d see until the end of the Sunday Night game.
As I always say (like, literally, it’s all I say to my friends and family and they don’t understand why and they hate me for it and it’s almost certainly the main reason I will die alone): “A win is a win.”
It’s about as useful as ‘it is what it is’, but when you’re a Dolphins fan, it’s often all you’ve got. 16 points in a 16-13 OT game against a 3 win team is still better than 12 or fewer. It wasn’t pretty, it didn’t beget a glut of confidence, but it ended up on the right side of the spreadsheet. You can only beat who they put in front of you.
Speaking of which:
The Commanders would be elite in 2018
Hearken back, me hearties, to the long forgotten year of 2018. The world was young and new, the air clean, the water clear, and the Dolphins bad, probably. I don’t even need to check the history books, I’m just making that assumption from memory and my feelings know it to be true.
Also in 2018, teams who weren’t the Dolphins had some fine players floating about. (Okay, the first one was actually on the Dolphins, but still.)
Laremy Tunsil was coming into his third season, Zach Ertz caught 116 passes for 1,163 yards and 8 TDs, Bobby Wagner racked up 138 tackles, 1 sack, and 2 forced fumbles, and Von Miller delivered 14.5 sacks, good for second most in his career.
Even Marcus Mariota was decent, completing 69% of his passes for 2,528 yds, 11 TDs, and 8 INTs in 14 games. Not amazing, but his third best season as a starter.
Fast forward to 2025 and all of those dudes are on the Commanders.
If they were all together back in the midst of their various heydays, this game would have gotten out of hand quickly.
I don’t have any insightful wisdom here. I’m just kinda glad they’re about 7 years too late.
Miami could have a kicker controversy
I know; probably even saying that can be considered controversial. I’m not a clickbait kinda guy.
‘THEY FOUND WHAT IN THEIR SEWER?!?!?!’
I just want to know the temperature, The Weather Channel. Chill out. (hah!)
Anyway.
Riley Patterson was brought in before Week 1 when Jason Sanders went down with a hip injury. I (as a lazy oaf who pursues nothing) haven’t heard anything about his status since. He just up and vanished.
In his stead, Patterson has gone 17/19 (89.5%) on field goals and 23/24 (95.8%) on extra points.
Sanders has had 3 seasons at or above 90% on field goals and 1 year where he was perfect on extra points.
All to say, Patterson has kept up pretty darn well.
Despite the statistical comparison, however; Patterson likely won’t be a real threat to Sanders’ continued employment in Miami since Riley’s lifetime kicks over 50 yards are 4/10 (40%) and 0/1 (aka 0%) this season.
Meanwhile, Mr. Big Leg is 33/48 (69%) over 50, including 12/14 (86%) just last year.
While I hope for a full and fast recover for Sanders, I’m happy that Riley Patterson has stepped in so admirably.
I like international games more than TNF
This is as much an expostulation about Thursday Night Football as it is a jollification of international games, but there’s something so tranquil about waking up at the crack of dawn to watch the only game I care about, leaving the totality of the remains of the day to go back to sleep and pretend it never happened.
You can roll out of bed, straight into a fridge full of beer, then straight back into bed again.
Meanwhile, Thursday Night games are always slap fights between guys without hands. Three days rest leaves everyone tired, injured, and ready to get it over with.
International games put teams in front of crowds who are actually excited to see them and aren’t there ironically because they like to waste time and money as a jape.
While I don’t love the concept of sending a team outside of the country on a permanent basis (looking at you London Jaguars), I’ve warmed up to the occasional week long expatriation for the sake of bringing the sport abroad.
Maybe the Fins will head to New Zealand some day. And maybe they’ll need to take a few hacks and frauds along for the ride?
Weekly Overreaction: The Fins will hang in the playoff conversation until the bitter end
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.
The Dolphins start a season like they aren’t sure if they play football or futbol, only to cobble together enough wins here and there within a wavering conference to somehow hang onto relevancy as a team ‘on the bubble’ until a cataclysmic implosion during the final weeks to ensure a ticket home before the playoffs.
Sounds familiar, right?
Like eerily familiar?
Like exactly what’s going to happen again?
After coming out of the gate so poorly that I’d have forgiven Stephen Ross for forfeiting the season, the Dolphins have since scrounged up 4 wins. They head into their Week 12 Bye at 4-7. Not exactly screaming ‘home field advantage’ for the postseason, but their next games upon returning are against the 2-8 New Orleans Saints and the 2-8 New York Football Jets.
That makes it possible, if not likely, that they enter a Week 15 Monday Night Football matchup against the currently 6-4 Pittsburgh Steelers (who, after playing CHI, BUF, and BAL in between could be 7-6) with a 6-7 record. That means we could be looking at 6-7 MIA against 7-6 PIT on Monday Night Football.
If you’d have told me that after Week 1, I’d have put you in a home for wayward adults. But you’d have been right and broken out and haunted me for the rest of our days.
If, and it’s a monstrous if, all of that comes to pass and THEN Miami manages to beat the Steelers, there they’d be sitting, all stupid with their hands folded in their laps at .500 with 3 games to go, prim and pretty in that ‘on the bubble’ position they know so well. Finishing off a struggling Bengals team to get to 8-7 would prime them for Weeks 17 and 18 against TB and NE: just enough hope to get squashed at the finish line.
I don’t know about you, but I never get tired of it.
So I guess I’ll see you there.
Have any good plans for the Bye week? Maybe watch actually good football teams play? Or skip it and replenish your AFC East QBs voodoo doll collection? Feel time slip through your grasp in the comments below.
