A chicken parm and a three-hour commute.
I have a rather hefty commute for work that I’ve detailed somewhere in this column at least once.
That often means being strategic in terms of not only my class schedule—making sure that my classes allow me to get home on time to pick up my kids, that I can basically have no superfluous time on campus save for teaching, office hours, and department service, and so on—but in what I consume during the day. Lots of coffee or Diet Summit Cola in the morning, sure,
and a hefty mug of water while I lecture. Some sort of light granola bar-and-apple style breakfast.
But there’s always the question of lunch.
Because my parking permit this year placed me—in my third year at my institution—not in my usual lot a half-block away, but in an auxillary lot a half-mile from my building, and because my margins are so narrow for getting home, I rarely try to linger when I leave my last class on Wednesday, which dismisses at 12:15pm. That includes heating up my lunch: there are too many people eating, the two microwaves in use, the small talk to be made.
Yesterday, my 10am meeting with an Interim Vice Provost and a Director of Facilities was over by 10:15—don’t worry, we’ll circle back next week—so I had a cool 30 minutes from when I got back to my office until I taught at 11am.
It was lunchtime.
Lunch was, as ever, leftovers from Monday’s dinner.
Chicken parmesan. Jackpot.
A bed of spaghetti in one of your standard-size plastic takeout containers, a helping of broccoli nestled alongside, a hearty pour of red sauce and mushrooms, and a pretty standard-sized breaded breast of chicken on top. Some salt, some pepper, a to-go parmesan packet that’s been in the communal fridge since the last time the dean ordered pizza for us—I think last February—and we’re set. I stalk back to my office as if I’ve stolen something, and I have: precious, precious time to eat. Since I arrived at 8am, I’ve had two students for their once-a-semester graded office hours visit, a grad student’s forms to fill out, a colleague who saw that I was working and began a conversation anyway, proofs to edit for my own book, a spoof class advertisement featuring my colleague running in a Power Bar-sponsored shirt—OK, admittedly, this was 10 minutes of fuck-around time—and then a hustle over to that meeting.
Even at 10:25, there had been a colleague in the break room. I sit down at 10:30 and wolf down the chicken parm. Every last mushroom, noodle, and fleck of sauce that I can extricate with my plastic fork, I hungrily wolf down.
Heaven.
And then I stand up.
It is readily apparent to me that no matter how many times I watch the Michael Scott Dunder Mifflin Scranton Meredith Palmer Memorial Celebrity Rabies Awareness Pro-Am Fun Run Race for the Cure episode of The Office, I have not learned its core lesson: you don’t carbo-load the day of the race.
I waddle into my classroom, one building over, at 10:52. Within a couple minutes the PowerPoint is up, students have their day’s outline and marching orders, and I sit down.
Already the sweat is beading on my forehead. It’s a muggy day, but not that muggy—and the sweat only gets worse. This is the product of eating about a pound of chicken parm and trying to then, in my preferred format, energetically pace around the room as I lecture, throwing questions out to students as we review the failure of Reconstruction and the incompatibility of sharecropping with the American republicanism of the Homestead Act.
At one point, I repress a burp. My stomach gurgles. My brow drips.
My resolve holds. I finish the lecture, an impassioned salvo on the ubiquity of lynching in the Jim Crow South and a pivot to the activism of Ida B. Wells behind me. Gathering my things, I prepare for the 12-minute schlep to my car.
I forgot to use the bathroom before I left. Will I hold it for the next three hours? Time will tell.
Thursday Evening
Don’t Watch This
Ohio Dominican Panthers at West Virginia Wesleyan Bobcats [5:30pm, MEtv]
Fort Valley State Wildcats at Clark Atlanta Panthers [6pm, ESPN2]
Northwestern Oklahoma State Rangers at Arkansas Tech Wonder Boys [7pm, YouTube]
Southwestern Oklahoma State Bulldogs at #2 Harding Bisons [7pm, TheLink]
Watch That
NC State Wolfpack at Wake Forest Demon Deacons
6:30pm | ESPN | NCState -7 | O/U 53.5
#14 Colorado State-Pueblo THUNDERWOLVES at Central Missouri Mules
7pm | MIAA | CSU-P: #217 | UCM: #292
Welcome to Don’t Watch This; Watch That, the only college football watch guide that doesn’t forget the FCS Game of the Year.
Had this article gone out last Thursday, there were a whole bunch of D-II and D-III games to talk about, including Charleston (West Virginia) beating California (Pennsylvania) in a Top 15 matchup, Ashland (Pennsylvania) beating Indiana (Pennsylvania) in a game that just makes me mad at the state of Indiana, and a game-winning blocked PAT by Fort Hays State to win at the THUNDERBOWL, the home of CSU-Pueblo.
Congratulations, as well, to the SUNY Maritime Privateers, who reclaimed the CHOWDER BOWL with a 21-14 win at their hatred rivals, the Massachusetts Maritime Buccaneers.
Tonight, though, Thunderwolves-Mules is the best of the rest, with two good nicknames to boot. Link down in the spreadsheet at the bottom.
Friday Evening
Don’t Watch This
Indiana State Sycamores at #22 Indiana Hoosiers [5:30pm, BTN]
Colgate Raiders at Syracuse Orange [6pm, ACCN]
Watch That
Colorado Buffaloes at Houston Cougars
6:30pm | ESPN | UH -5.5 | O/U 43.5
Kansas State Wildcats at Arizona Wildcats
8pm | FOX | Arizona -1.5 | O/U 54.5
New Mexico Lobos at UCLA Bruins
9pm | BTN | UCLA -15.5 | O/U 53.5
Incredible things have been happening out West this season:
I’m more or less copping out here, because any of the three FBS games could have an appropriate amount of fireworks and/or stupidity. The Coogs are nothing near a finished product, allowing Rice to hang around for the first half of the Bayou Bucket game, but Colorado is on its third-string QB after transfer Kaidon Salter hasn’t worked out and 5-star 17-year-old Julian Lewis might not be quite ready. Kansas State picked up a transitive loss to Tarleton State last week, allowing Army to march into Manhattan—sorry if FOX News picks up that sentence—and score 10 unanswered as QB Avery Johnson, it turns out, isn’t a great quarterback when forced to actually be a quarterback. But Arizona is unproven, with only romps over Hawai’i and Weber State and a mercurial scrambler in Noah Fifita ready to pop off for 4 TDs or 4 INTs—or both—at any minute. And, of course, there’s New Mexico-UCLA, which should be a Bruins rout—the Lobos barely escaped moribund Idaho State last week and QB Jack Layne has 1 TD against 3 INTs for the season so far.
The ol’ quad-box will be your friend. And here’s hoping we get something reaaaaal dumb.
Saturday Morning
Don’t Watch This
#4 Oregon Ducks (-27.5, O/U 50.5) at Northwestern Wildcats [11am, FOX]
#12 Clemson Tigers (-4, O/U 52.5) at Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets [11am, ESPN]
#13 Oklahoma Sooners (-24.5, O/U 51.5) at Temple Owls [11am, ESPN2]
wisconsin badgers at #19 Alabama Crimson Tide (-20.5, O/U 46.5) [11am, ABC]
Central Michigan Chippewas at #23 Michigan Wolverines (-27.5, O/U 42.5) [11am, BTN]
Towson Tigers at Maryland Terrapins [11am, Le Coq]
Samford Bulldogs at Baylor Bears [11am, ESPN+]
Bill & Mary at Virginia Cavaliers [11am, ACCN]
Houston Baptist Huskies at Nebraska Cornhuskers [11am, FS1]
Buffalo Bulls (-21.5, O/U 48.5) at Kent State Golden Flashes [11am, CBSSN]
South Alabama Jaguars at #24 Auburn Tigers (-25.5, O/U 53.5) [11:45am, SECN]
Watch That
Memphis Tigers at Troy Trojans
11am | ESPNU | Memphis -4.5 | O/U 50.5
Is it likely that wisconsin beats Alabama? Absolutely not.
But am I livid that this iteration of Alabama is the weakest since 2007 and thus gives wisconsin perhaps its best possible shot at a win? Absolutely yes.
Saturday Afternoon
Don’t Watch This
Connecticut Huskies (-10.5, O/U 52.5) at Delaware Fightin’ Blue Hens [2pm, ESPN+]
#16 North Dakota Iron Cross Enthusiasts at #5 Montana Grizzlies [2pm, ESPN+]
Oregon State Beavers at #21 Texas Tech Red Raiders (-24.5, O/U 60.5) [2:30pm, FOX]
Villanova Wildcats at #2 Penn State Nittany Lions [2:30pm, FS1]
#6 Georgia Bulldogs (-3.5, O/U 50) at #15 Tennessee Volunteers [2:30pm, ABC]
Richmond Spiders at North Carolina Tar Heels [2:30pm, ACCN]
Northwestern State Demons at Cincinnati Bearcats [2:30pm, ESPN+]
SMU Cocaineponies (-27.5, O/U 61.5) at Missouri State Bears [2:30pm, CBSSN]
Youngstown State Penguins at Michigan State Spartans [2:30pm, BTN]
Norfolk State Spartans at Rutgers Scarlet Knights [2:30pm, BTN]
Morgan State Bears at Toledo Rockets [2:30pm, ESPN+]
#14 Iowa State Cyclones (-21, O/U 55.5) at Arkansas State Red Wolves [3pm, ESPN2]
Louisiana Ragin’ Cajuns at #25 Missouri Tigers (-27.5, O/U 48.5) [3pm, SECN+]
UTEP Miners at #7 Texas Longhorns (-41.5, O/U 51.5) [3:15pm, SECN]
#18 South Florida Brahman Bulls at #5 Miami Fluoride Hurricanes (-17, O/U 54.5) [3:30pm, The CW]
Bowling Green Falcons (+6.5, O/U 51.5) [4pm, ESPN+]
MTSU Blue Raiders at Nevada Wolf Pack (-9.5, O/U 46.5) [4pm, MWN]
Tomfoolery Ahead!
#23 New Hampshire Wildcats at Balls Tate Robotbirds [1pm, ESPN+]
#14 Incarnate Word Cardinals at UTSA Roadrunners [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Watch That
USC Trojans at Purdue Boilermakers
2:30pm | CBS | USC -21 | O/U 58.5
Washington State Cougars at North Texas Mean Green
2:30pm | ESPNU | UNT -5.5 | O/U 58.5
Pittsburgh Panthers at West Virginia Mountaineers
2:30pm | ESPN | Pitt -6.5 | O/U 57.5
I do feel a little iffy on the USF-Miami game—should I be more excited about the Brahman Bulls’ success so far this season? Maybe they give them a game.
I’m more intrigued, though, by whether Purdue can slow down the USC attack…and whether USC actually proves interested in playing a lick of defense now that we’re into Big Ten play.
Couple that with two things I enjoy—a matchup of interesting P4ish-at-G5 teams in Wazzu-Mean Green and a Backyard Brawl in Charleston—and there’s more than enough to go around here.
Here’s where, as well, I’d log into my Bovada account if it were legal to do so in this state, placing a bet on New Hampshire straight-up against Balls Tate.
Saturday Evening
Don’t Watch This
Eastern Kentucky Colonels at Marshall Thundering Herd [5pm, ESPN+]
Alcorn State Braves at Mississippi State Clanga [5pm, SECN+]
Monmouth Hawks at Charlotte 49ers [5pm, ESPN+]
Merrimack Warriors at Kennesaw State Hustlin’ Owls [5pm, ESPN+]
Ohio Bobcats at #1 Ohio State Buckeyes (-32.5, O/U 53.5) [6pm, Le Coq]
Western Michigan Broncos at #9 Illinois Fighting Illini (-27.5, O/U 50.5) [6pm, FS1]
Arkansas Razorbacks at #17 Ole Miss Rebels (-8.5, O/U 62.5) [6pm, ESPN]
Old Dominion Monarchs at Virginia Tech Hokies (-7.5, O/U 50.5) [6pm, ACCN]
Prairie View A&M Panthers at Rice Owls [6pm, ESPN+]
Murray State Racers at Georgia State Panthers [6pm, ESPN+]
Florida Gators at #3 LSU Tigers (-9.5, O/U 49.5) [6:30pm, ABC]
#16 Texas A&M Aggies at #8 Notre Dame Fighting Irish (-7, O/U 49.5) [6:30pm, NBC]
Eastern Michigan Eagles at Kentucky Wildcats (-24.5, O/U 45.5) [6:30pm, ESPNU]
UMass Minutemen at Iowa Hawkeyes (-34.5, O/U 43.5) [6:30pm, BTN]
New Mexico State Aggies at Louisiana Tech Bulldogs (-9.5, O/U 42.5) [6:30pm, ESPN+]
East Carolina Pirates (-7.5, O/U 55) at Coastal Carolina [6:30pm, ESPN+]
Vanderbilt Commodores at #11 South Carolina Gamecocks (-5.5, O/U 47.5) [6:45pm, SECN]
Navy Midshipmen (-13.5, O/U 53.5) at Tulsa Golden Hurricane [7pm, ESPN+]
Abilene Christian Wildcats at TCU Horned Frogs [7pm, ESPN+]
Tomfoolery Ahead!
#20 Utah Utes (-23.5, O/U 48) at Wyoming Cowboys [7pm, CBSSN]
Akron Zips at UAB Blazers (-11.5, O/U 54) [7:30pm]
Watch That
Florida Atlantic Owls at Florida International Sunblazers
5pm | ESPN+ | FIU -3 | O/U 57.5 | SHULA BOWL
Jacksonville State Gamecocks at Georgia Southern Eagles
6pm | ESPN+ | GASo -3.5 | O/U 58.5
Duke Blue Devils at Tulane Green Wave
7pm | ESPN2 | Tulane -3 | O/U 53.5
Looking at that Akron-UAB line and oh god, there are going to be some truly assy midweek MACtion games this season when the Zips, Robotbirds, and Golden Flashes do their sexy dance on the catwalk. And—OH MY GOODNESS—look at that first week of midweek games:
Battle of the Bricks and NIU-Toledo should both be pretty good. But the other two—THE OTHER TWO:
- UMass-Akron: on-again, off-again MAC fling UMass is back and UMassier than ever! That’s #194 UMass (by Bill C’s rankings) heading to #184 Akron. After losing 42-10 at home to Temple in their season-opener, the Minutemen lost to FCS Bryant 27-26, allowing the Bulldogs to go 78 yards in 1:45 to set up a game-winning 26-yard field goal.
Akron has yet to score in 2025. - Kent State-Ball State: Hey look, it’s #193, traveling to #205! Kent State is admittedly behind the 8-ball of its own making, having fired Kenni Burns with cause in April following an already-disastrous 0-12 season. They then hired Canadian prime minister Mark Carney to be their interim head coach and offensive coordinator, which…seems like the guy is spreading himself too thin.
Ball State has been outscored 73-3 so far this year and was shut out by Purdue. Purdue.
It’s late and I’m drunk…
Don’t Watch This
Southern Jaguars at Fresno State Bulldogs [9pm, MWN]
Boston College Eagles (-10.5, O/U 44.5) at Stanford Cardinal [9:30pm, ACCN]
Portland State Vikings at Hawai’i Rainbow Warriors [11pm, MWN]
Watch That
Air Force Falcons at Utah State Aggies
8:45pm | FS1 | AFA -3.5 | O/U 52.5
Texas State Bobcats at Arizona State Sun Devils
9:30pm | TNT | ASU -14.5 | O/U 58.5
Minnesota Golden Gophers at California Golden Bears
9:30pm | ESPN | Minn -2.5 | O/U 44.5
This feels pretty harsh from the Big Sky’s own Bluesky channel, but I’ll allow it:
It feels like Texas State-Arizona State was made in a lab to give me a 55-38 final scoreline. And it feels like Minnesota-California was made in a lab to embody the hangover you get when it’s a 9:30pm kickoff, you start drinking at 8am, and then you lose momentum around 5pm. And have thrown up off the side of a Chicago apartment building somewhere around the middle of the day.
ASK ME HOW I KNOW.
Golden Bears, 17-12. Collin Ellis stands alone.
Here’s your thread for Thursday evening’s football. Vaya con dios.
