‘Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring
Except you, you great louse.
Due to procrastination,
You haven’t gone shopping.
Severe repercussions
Include beating and chopping.
I’m done with the poem part now because I refuse to have a tab open for a rhyming dictionary, but you get the idea. You’ve got someone in your life who needs a Fiorentina-themed gift. Maybe it’s a loved one. If so, check on them. They’re not doing well emotionally. Maybe it’s an enemy, in which
case you should savor the horror they experience every week (and even sometimes on Thursdays). Regardless, you need something to give this person. But at this late juncture, what’s available?
Fear not, dear reader, because Fiorentina has an official team store that’s packed to the brim with gifts that range from the quotidian to the slightly odd to the reeling depths of madness. You, a discerning aesthete, know better than to present someone with one of the 28 different shirts the team’s wearing this year. No, you want something a little more out there. Join me on a magical tour through your best options. All prices are as listed on the website and don’t include shipping.
Fiorentina Adult Bathrobe (€44.90)
I could make a joke about the Viola players essentially wearing these on the pitch as they lounge around but that’s a lazy joke. Fiorentina Adult Bathrobe, however, would be an incredible band name. Amazing string of words made even funnier by the fact that using “adult” as an adjective makes it sound raunchy.
Fiorentina Violet Baby Body Suit (€21.99)
This is actually an elaborate trap set by Child Protective Services to catch parents irresponsible enough to pass Fiorentina fandom onto the next generation.
Fiorentina Supporter Shirt 2025 (€39.50, 50% off)
Try to imagine the situation you’d wear this shirt in. World’s saddest tropical-themed cocktail do, perhaps? Knowing wink from a veteran character actor playing the IT guy in a low-budget 1990s action movie? Bartender in a wannabe trendy casual hotel bar that charges €26 for a Negroni? Jumanji but make it Fiorentina?
Fiorentina Kombat Pro Red GK Jersey 2025/26 (€120)
No offense to David de Gea and his brethren but anyone buying the goalkeeper’s third shirt needs help.
Fiorentina Jacket 2025/26 (€87.20)
Pretty sure I’ve seen 3 different Fiorentina coaches wear this in the past year. One got so fed up with management that he quit 24 hours after the club announced that he was its guy going forward. One opened the season with 14 straight winless games before getting sacked. And the third has averaged fewer points per game than the second one. Maybe save this thing for your nemesis.
Fiorentina Leather Wallet (€40.90)
Sleek, stylish, made from full grain leather, and guaranteed to have either too much cash that you can’t spend (e.g. to build a new stadium) or a debit card that’s overdrawn from spending €53 million on fees and salaries for strikers who do not score.
Fiorentina Christmas Ball (€7.90)
Have you been wondering why the men’s first team has giocato senza palle? It’s obviously because all the balls are for sale in the store. Bonus points for the unfortunate photographer’s reflection in this tree ornament.
Fiorentina Beer Glass (€12.90)
Sold individually because nothing makes you want to drink by yourself like watching the Viola.
Fiorentina A5 Mascot Notebook (€15)
Oh, did you forget about Lorenzo? Don’t worry, kids. He didn’t forget about you. In fact, he’s been thinking of you. Maybe thinking a little too hard of you. And he wants you to know that.
Fiorentina Mascot Table Clock (€14)
If you own a business and don’t want your employees watching the clock, we’ve got a solution. In the RBCVPFPWCKGAWTLTDOSGT, clock watches YOU (batteries not included).
Fiorentina Wooden Logo Puzzle – Size M (€67.95)
Just like the club it represents, this puzzle is guaranteed to have at least 5 pieces missing!
May your holidays be happier than Fiorentina’s season thus far. Which is an awfully low bar, I suppose, but it’s all I’ve got.
