I don’t drink a lot of pop these days (and yes, it’s “pop” and no I will NOT call it soda, nor will I apologize). I mostly cut it out of my diet in recent years. But I’ve been drinking more fizzy drinks lately thanks to cancer treatments — this was a chemo week for me and chemo makes water taste gross. So I drink fizzy drinks instead — the carbonation and flavorings make it easier to up my water intake without it tasting like I’m drinking pond water.
As part of that, I’ve started to rediscover a love
of cola. A can of Coke is probably the most ubiquitous thing you can drink that isn’t a random bottle of spring water, and Coca-Cola is the most popular fizzy drink in the world for a reason — it’s really dang good. But there are other options. I’ve tried a lot of different colas over the years, often out of curiosity since the specific formulas for the biggest colas are trade secrets, meaning there’s a lot of variance on what a cola is and what it should taste like. Sounds like a decent theme!
Look, Tottenham Hotspur are a bad football team at the moment. So yes, I’m doing player ratings today, something I haven’t done in a couple of weeks because it’s been extremely difficult to motivate myself to continue writing about a bad football team. So fine, here are ratings, but instead let’s discuss cola, because that makes me happier than watching Spurs does at the moment. Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings for the 2-0 loss at Old Trafford to the theme of cola. Note: we’re ranking full-freight colas here, no Diet colas, no Zero Sugar, just stuff that calls itself cola.
5 stars: Mexican Coke
What’s better than a tall glass of Coca-Cola? A tall BOTTLE of Coca-Cola made with cane sugar and not high fructose corn syrup. Coke made for the Mexican market has made it into mainstream American markets, and while it’s relatively easy to find it now it’s still worth heading to your local Mexican market to buy it. I swear there’s more that’s different than just the cane sugar, but this stuff tastes like Coke is supposed to taste, and who doesn’t like drinking out of glass than a cheap plastic bottle or can?
No Tottenham players in this category.
4.5 stars: Fentiman’s Cola
This is one of the artisanal options you can find at various bougie “old timey sweet shoppe” stores that have walls of small-batch sodas with funny names and insane-looking flavors. Or Whole Foods. Yeah, you can find it there too. Fentiman’s is a small producer and their cola leans more heavily into the ginger side of the flavor spectrum than the citrus oils, but that’s what makes it unique. It has a distinct bite and tastes strongly of kola nut. Might be a little too distinct for some tastes, but isn’t that the point of trying artisanal cola? The only issue is the price, because holy moly I can’t justify nearly $3 for a bottle so it falls under “occasional treat” for me and not a daily drinker.
No Tottenham players in this category.
4 stars: Coca-Cola “Classic”
No need to overthink it — there’s a reason why Coke Classic is the best selling cola in the world and it’s not particularly close. It’s because it’s really good. I think there are better, tastier examples out there, but in terms of satisfaction, it’s a great cola even with the corn aftertaste from the HFCS. You will never go wrong with Coke, even in its most corporate, basic form.
Xavi Simons (Community — 3.5): Look, if there’s a bright spot to this utterly dreadful season it’s this — Xavi Simons is as good as advertised. It might have taken him a while to get used to the rigors of the league, but he’s been fantastic in what has been mostly losing efforts lately. And he was again here. Xavi was flat-out running stuff before the red card and still looked like our biggest threat to score even late.
Guglielmo Vicario (Community — 3.5): He’s still pretty suspect on corners and playing out of the back, but you can’t deny that Googly Elmo is a fantastic shot stopper, and he saved Spurs from this match becoming a complete blowout.
3.5 stars: RC Cola
Surprised? Yeah, I was too. But I was recently reintroduced to RC Cola — the forgotten red-headed stepchild of the mass-market cola wars — and you know what? It’s actually quite good. It’s been around forever, but people never think about it, and they should. It’s not anything special, but it’s made with cane sugar and not HFCS and hits the midpoint between bitey and overly sweet. Plus you get retro cred for drinking a can instead of Pepsi, to which it is superior.
Archie Gray (Community — 3.0): I don’t really know yet how good Archie is or how good he can be, but I know he’s a LOT better than he was last season, and no longer looks out matched in midfield. Lost Bruno for United’s second goal, but otherwise was solid in possession and snapped into tackles. Another bright spot for Spurs this season, if you’re keen to search for them.
Conor Gallagher (Community — 3.0): Thus far Gallagher has been a somewhat disappointing addition to the midfield, probably because he’s just a variation on pretty much all our other midfielders. But in this one, he looked quite good — emphatic on the ball, worked hard, even progressive. At least until the red card, and after that, well, ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
3 stars: Pepsi
I know this cola has its fans and like the increased sweetness compared to other varieties. It’s definitely different from Coke, with more emphasis on smoothness and sweetness. It’s well-balanced and drinkable, a fine cola. It’s just that there are better options out there so it gets lost.
Micky van de Ven (Community — 3.0): Hard to be too critical of him when he was anchoring the back line for much of the match. Had one of his trademark runs forward in the second half, but was out of position for Spurs’ second goal.
Pape Matar Sarr (Community — 3.0): Another player whom I was somewhat impressed with before the red card, but whose efforts were mitigated by having to play down a man for the majority of the match. Covered ground well and had a couple of long efforts from the top of the box. Someday, one of those is going in.
Joao Palhinha (Community — 3.0): I actually appreciated Palhinha’s efforts in this one, again deployed in the hybrid RCB/RB halfspace, since Spurs spent much of the match playing rear-guard action. A few excellent tackles and he covered his area quite well. Probably should’ve been sacrificed earlier for more attacking options, but I can’t argue with the work.
Radu Dragusin (Community — 3.0): IDK man, he was fine. Hope he continues to be since he’ll be starting the next four matches.
Souza (Community — 3.0): This was not the way I would’ve wanted to introduce him to Premier League football, but he was surprisingly cromulent. Had one lung-busting defensive run to save a half-chance and looked decent going forward. Seems like we’ll need him more than we thought we would, at least initially.
2.5 stars: Boylan Cola
One of the artisanal options out there, I wanted to like Boylan’s a lot more than I actually did. It’s surprising, too since their root beer is fantastic (but that’s another article), but Boylan’s Cola has a heavy emphasis on licorice flavor that just throws everything out of balance. That makes it not worth the premium cost in my mind.
Dominic Solanke (Community — 2.5): Worked hard, but had precious little service and didn’t do much with the chances he did get.
Destiny Udogie (Community — 2.5): Feels a little gauche to give a rating this low to a guy who picked up another muscle injury but I feel he’s lost a step since returning and wasn’t especially impactful here either.
Wilson Odobert (Community — 2.5): Hamstrung by the tactics and the red card, but he really didn’t do much.
2 stars: Most store-brand colas
With a few exceptions, most of the store-brand colas you can buy aren’t very good. That’s because they’re mass-produced to taste KINDA like Coke or Pepsi but know they don’t have the chutzpah to actually BE Coke or Pepsi. I know some people have their favorites, like Aldi’s Summit brand or 365 or whatever, and I’m sure there are exceptions, but if you’re buying this instead of better cola then you’re just cheap.
Cuti Romero (Community — 1.0): Look, fine. He made a mistake. It was 100% a red card. And yet the discourse surrounding Cuti’s sending off, his place in the team, and his suitability as Tottenham captain has been absolutely insane. IDC about this match in isolation, I care that he’s still our best defender and almost certainly our best player. We are worse without him in the starting lineup. Everything else is just noise.
Thomas Frank (Community — 2.0): I will give small credit to Frank for setting up Spurs in a way where it looked like they could get a result at United, but I take it all back with interest for essentially bunkering while down a goal and down a player. If you’re not even going to TRY and get back into a game, what’s even the point?
1 star: Ollipop Vintage Cola
This is not cola. This is a mass marketed prebiotic cola-flavored beverage with dubious health benefits that tastes like the dregs from a can of Pepsi watered down by adding soda water. If you want a prebiotic cola, go eat some sauerkraut and wash it down with a real cola, not this garbage.
No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as Ollipop “Cola.”
Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating
Mathys Tel, Randal Kolo Muani, Yves Bissouma
