Which storyline was your favorite?
Unbearable hurricane-like conditions drowning the players in the maelstrom of an untamed sea?
Two left-handed, sub-6-feet-tall Hawaiian quarterbacks facing off in a once-in-a-lifetime
showdown?
Opposing teams with orange as a secondary color and matching 1-5 records playing for absolutely nothing other than pride?
It was destined to be one for the ages.
And for the ages ‘twas.
It was such a showing, such a titanic, Herculean, Sisyphian effort on the part of the visitors, that I was practically forced to take all five of my things and condense them into just one singular, solitary, shining beacon that perfectly illustrates the unimpeachable magnitude of their boundless talents:
My beloved Dolphins are a terrible team
Miami came into this game with a 1-5 record, rumors about the staying power of the coach alongside some trade-targeted players, and not much in the way of hope for the remainder of the season.
Against the equally suffering Browns (1-5, not good, etc.), the Fins were there with jingly jangly bells on.
Defensive penalties repeatedly extended otherwise poor Cleveland drives (including reversing an interception), the offense turned the ball over half as many times as total points they scored, and even Special Teams got in on the gag with a fumble on a kickoff return.
There was a 3rd and 12 play where the offensive line gave Tua a nice pocket with plenty of time, which he spent on throwing a needlessly hurried underneath incompletion that, even if caught, would have gained a maximum of 5 yards.
A missed field goal was bailed out by a Browns penalty so that the Dolphins could fumble a snap on the next play, which they managed to recover, much to the disappointment of everyone involved.
Tua tossed an overthrown pass that was tipped by his intended receiver on its way to being intercepted and returned for a pick six.
Tanner Conner was playing because Darren Waller is hurt now, so he proceeded to drop a would-be first down pass on 3rd and 8 just because he could. Then they failed to convert the 4th down attempt to follow.
All of this to say: This flat out sucks to watch.
It’s so bad to watch, in fact, that I stopped watching with 10:00 left in the 4th quarter after Tua threw his third interception of the day.
And I was watching a replay.
I didn’t even know Quinn Ewers got reps until I read about it on here. So I went back to see if he was any good.
He wasn’t.
On the other side of the ball, and I’m not speaking hyperbolically, the 2025 Dolphins defense is the worst I can remember ever seeing, among both Dolphins defenses and NFL defenses in general.
Each week they find a new way to elevate their opponent to new heights. Whether it’s making a backup into a star, giving a name to a previously no-name player, or giving a dysfunctional team the boost they need to break out of a funk, Miami’s defense is always chomping at the bit to let someone else shine.
They are everyone’s ‘get right’ game.
This is the least fun Dolphins team I’ve ever had to suffer through as a fan. They don’t do anything to improve their situation week to week. They don’t say anything to inspire confidence when they’re asked about the issues. They simply trot out the same tired bullshit over and over and act like Shocked Pikachu when they get crushed.
If the team is going to give this kind of performance, how can anyone involved in the organization realistically expect fans to give their time, their money, their emotion, their attention, or their belief in anything related to the franchise?
If an outing like this doesn’t motivate the front office to take action, I doubt anything will. And as of this writing, they have taken none. So that’s an absolute delight.
If I wasn’t held captive in the basement of Phinsider Headquarters, forced to write these articles in exchange for exactly enough gruel to keep my heart rate at 20 BPM, I’d completely bail on the remainder of this year.
The idea that I need to think 50 more things about these guys is a living nightmare.
Even condensed replays are too much time to commit to this mess.
So, with all the indifference my hollowed out heart can muster:
Congratulations to everyone at the Miami Dolphins! From owner Stephen Ross at the top, all the way down to the interns whose names I’ll never get to know — you did it!
You made me not want to watch football anymore.
They’re gonna let Ewers go out there and audition for the rest of the year, right? I see no upside to continuing to trot Tua out there. And we all know my view is the only one the coaches listen to. Prepare yourselves for 11 more weeks of this in the comments below.
