Some of you may know that my main jam is history, but I was actually a dual major in college – history and English. As a result, many people throughout my adult life have assumed that I know a lot about grammar. I would actually only rate my grammatical knowledge as a bit above average – I certainly don’t nerd out on it, and I think it is mostly ok because I am a voracious reader, not because I put any particular effort into learning the rules and regulations of the English language.
This preamble
is meant to introduce the idea that while I am writing about punctuation and typographical symbols, this is not an invitation to debate with me about their use, utility, or what I got wrong. I simply cannot be bothered to care this week, or indeed, most weeks. The lone exception to this is the use of the Oxford comma: I am pro-Oxford comma, like any right-minded individual, and I will die on that hill.
I’m borrowing heavily from thesaurus.com for this, as it seemed best when putting this together to have one source to draw from, rather than just staring at my keyboard and hoping for inspiration to strike. So if you have quibbles about what I’ve said about angle brackets or whathaveyou, take it up with them.
You may be wondering why (but probably not) I went with such a long title instead of just “punctuation marks.” It turns out, these are distinct categories of things:
“Punctuation is the act or system of using specific marks or symbols in writing to separate different elements from each other or to make writing more clear. Punctuation is used in English and the other languages that use the Latin alphabet… A typographical symbol refers to a character or symbol that isn’t considered to be a punctuation mark but may still be used in writing for various purposes. Typographical symbols are generally avoided in formal writing under most circumstances.”
OTE – always educational, occasionally focused on sports. Thanks Thesaurus.com!
1. Ohio State – Full Stop.
First Place Votes: 6 High: 1 Low: 8 Last Week: 1
Annoying as it is, Ohio State has the most to brag about right now in the Big Ten. True, the season is early, but they’ve defeated the then-#1 team, and that’s an achievement that will carry juice all year wrong, unless Texas winds up being terrible (I am not opposed to this, btw.) They also rocked Grambling State, which isn’t really an achievement, but is a thing that happened. So, until someone else gives us reason to make the “Who is #1” discussion more interesting, Ohio State is it. Full stop.
2. Oregon – Exclamation Point!
FPV: 1 H: 1 L: 9 LW: 3
Does anyone else have the challenge of using too many exclamation points in professional texts or emails, and then painstakingly editing them down to a number that feels like it gives an impression of general non-insanity? Just me? Alright. I think that exclamation points are fun and friendly, and make it clear that I am definitely not mad at you, please don’t be mad at me! But grammatically, they are only intended to emphasize exclamations and interjections. So, “Oregon kicked the snot out of Okie State, omg!” is a correct usage, as is “I’m a man! I lost by more than 40!”*
*h/t to whoever made this joke in the game threads, it was a good one!
3. Penn State – Apos’trophe
FPV: 1 H: 1 L: 10 LW: 2
Initially, I thought that Penn State might be the exclamation point, in honor of an iconic use of it in the infamous “No Talent Required!” gaffe of several years ago. But then I looked it up and saw that that triumph of graphic design did not actually have an exclamation point, so back to the drawing board. Instead, I’ve given them the apostrophe – nearly ubiquitous, a real standout of the English language, and yet, badly abused and misunderstood by the worst people you know on Facebook. This is making me sound more sympathetic to poor little national #2 Penn State, but there is clearly some confusion lurking when being national #2 doesn’t even get you second in this august poll. Its a shame.
4. Illinois – Interrobang‽
FPV: 1 H: 1 L: 6 LW: 5
Finally, the team that has the highest lowest ranking yet on this list – I don’t understand the thought process of some of our voters, and I won’t pretend to do so. Are they mad‽ Perhaps they are, but what’s also mad is Illinois coasting in at #4. It’s genuinely hard to believe, evoking both shock and awe. “Illinois‽ Here‽” Yes indeed Virginia, there is a football Santa Claus, and he appears to be Bret Bielema.”
5. Indiana–En Dash
H: 2 L: 7 LW: 7
As mentioned in the preamble, I don’t pretend to understand the intricacies of English grammar. Sometimes I regret this, because I’m currently learning German, and it might be a little easier if I had a stronger grasp of the parts of speech. On the other hand, it might not be because, German. Trotzdem, Indiana is awarded the “en dash,” one of a stable of dashes in the English language who seemingly exist only to convey a sense of gleeful superiority to grammar snobs. I gave them this punctuation mark solely so I could make the pun “Endiana.” I hope you ENjoyed that as much as I ENdoubtedly did.
6. USC – {Curly Brackets}
H: 4 L: 13 LW: 4
I didn’t know these little guys were formally named “curly brackets” but that’s adorable and I love it for them. More whimsy in punctuation names, please (looking at you, em and en dash). According to thesaurus.com, these are almost never used, just as how most of us almost never care about USC. But with some big wins, it’s possible that we all will be forced to pay more attention to them – even if their fanbase does not.
7. Nebraska – \Backslash
H: 7 L: 9 LW: 8
It turns out there are a lot of these symbols that are only internet famous, and the backslash is one of them. Used in coding and also in drawing emoticons, its real functionality is limited. So far, the Huskers themselves have proven relatively functional this year, though the level of opponents is a key piece to understanding this. They’ve looked good so far, but things like almost dropping the Cincinnati game at the last moment, or fumbling on the 2-yard-line still threaten to make Husker fans go :-/
8. Washington – (Parentheses)
H: 6 L: 14 LW: 10
Here’s a solid old standby – the parenthesis. Long-time readers of my work know that I’m a big fan, as I’m prone to long, ornate sentences, and I somehow believe that turning part of them into parenthetical references makes this tendency less egregious. It probably doesn’t, but I shall nevertheless persist. Washington has also nevertheless persisted in playing football, although since these games exclusively take place in the wee hours of Sunday morning (in God’s country,) most of us have seen nothing of them (except some very lopsided scores.) Perhaps someday the cowards (Washington) will venture east – but not until October (!) when they take on Maryland.
9. Minnesota – Ellipses…
H: 6 L: 14 LW: 14
The ellipses… they’re so vague, and so mysterious. They add a certain atmosphere to a sentence. My Boomer mother uses them profusely in her texts, and as a Millennial, I of course interpret this in the most negatively mysterious way and assume she is mad at me (I don’t think she’s actually been mad at me since about 2011, but what if this time she is and her ellipses are portents of doom???) Maybe it’s just me and my anxiety disorder, but I find the implied vague pause of that set of triple dots to be positively dripping with passive aggression. And if there’s anything more Minnesotan than passive aggression, it’s a fanbase struggling to come to terms with its perpetually mid football team(s).
10. Michigan State – Bullet Points
H: 5 L: 14 LW: 12
Here are a list of things that you need to have a successful season:
- A good quarterback that doesn’t throw too many INTs
- Solid coaching
- A coach who does not get caught in embarrassing, compromising situations and thus can stick around to actually coach
- The ability to win in overtime
Hmmm… is Michigan State actually onto something this year?
11: Michigan – ~Tilde~
H: 4 L: 16 LW: 6
The tilde is probably best known as a common accent mark in Spanish and Portuguese, as in Michigañ. Or, if you’re chronically online and/or a Millennial, you may associate it with sarcasm or MySpace, where the tilde could be combined with other typographical marks for dramatic effect. For example, “No one thinks they are as special as *~Michigan~* fans.” Or, “Of course *~Michigan~* can cheat and get away clean.” A truly versatile little bit, the tilde – maybe he should be Michigan’s quarterback. Bet he’d do it for cheap.
12: Maryland – @ Symbol
H: 3 L: 15 LW: 11
Another latecomer to the typographic pantheon thanks to the internet. Maryland, technically, is no longer a newbie to the Big Ten, and they’re showing signs of adjusting. Having a closer-than-you’d-like win against a MAC team is very B1G. HC Mike Locksley chose to spin this as a positive, saying “I thought we needed a game like this, where we were going to be tested and play for four quarters.” Sure Jan. Anyway, a Malik-to-Shaleak touchdown secured the win for the Terps @ home.
13: Wisconsin – Asterisk*
H: 10 L: 15 LW: 15
This really is the perfect typographical symbol for Wisconsin.* Primarily used to indicate footnotes, the asterisk can be used by Badger fans as the perfect way to indicate why this season went sideways.** It also is a great way to censor out some of the typical expletives associated with this fanbase–though not all of these exclamations are wrong (F*ck Iowa!)
*There were many teams the asterisk would have been perfect for. Let me know in the comments who the obvious choice was that I missed.
**Our quarterback broke AGAIN!
14: Rutgers –
H: 11 L: 15 LW: 16
Another symbol banished from the hallowed halls of formal writing, the angle bracket apparently has no place in your polished reports. It does, however, have some use in other, less-Englishy fields. That makes it more useful than Rutgers football, which really is of no use to the Big Ten, or presumably to anyone else.
15: Purdue – Pipe | Symbol
H: 11 L: 16 LW: 13
According to thesaurus.com, “The pipe symbol is not used in writing. Instead, it has a variety of functions in the fields of math, physics, or computing.” Similarly, Purdue is not really used for football functions. Instead, it has a variety of uses in math, physics, computing, and men’s basketball.
16: Iowa – #Pound Symbol
LPV: 1 H: 11 L: 18 LW: 9
Though it’s recommended to avoid using the pound symbol in formal writing, it is commonly used in less formal settings to replace the word “number.” A way you can remember this is with the handy sentence “Kirk Ferentz was trying to get Big Ten win #206 and get the record, but instead, Iowa lost once again in hilarious fashion to Iowa State.” Presumably, he’ll get his accolade this weekend against UMass (#hapless), though if he doesn’t, it would be hashtag hilarious (#hawksighs #FireFerentz #BringBackBrian).
17: Northwestern – Semicolon;
H: 17 L: 17 LW: 17 – well… that’s consistent
I apologize for making this scatalogical, but don’t you think it’s a little weird that the colon and the semicolon, essential parts of English grammar, have to share a name with an unglamorous (though admittedly vital) part of the digestive system? I mean, there are hundreds of thousands of words in the English language, you’d think they could have come up with something different for one or the other. But just this once, it makes sense – because Northwestern actually is semishit.
18: UCLA – 🙁
LPV: 8 H: 16 L: 18 LW: 18
I believe this typographical statement speaks for itself. You bad, and you sad, Bruins.
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What did I miss in the fascinating world of punctuation? As always, let me know your thoughts below, especially if you just want to tell me how you didn’t understand any of this.
