In the spirit of Independence Day (the holiday, not the absurdly awesome 90’s aliens movie), I asked the FEED a very history-buff specific kind of prompt. If these 2026 Seattle Mariners were the framers of the U.S. Constitution in 1776, which historical figures would they be?
As usual, I’ll be rating your answers using my trusty and very scientific Mariners Hot Takes Rating System:
To properly access some of these responses, as I am merely a journalism major with not much interest in the Revolutionary
War era, I had to enlist LL staff history lover and aspiring professor Jake Parr. If you want to talk Vietnam War era, though, I’m your guy. Thankfully Jake obliged with some excellent insight.
Also, just as a note, we’ll try to stay out of political takes as much as possible and stick to the agreed upon historical facts. Please keep that in mind for the comment section, as always.
Let’s get into it thusly!
Getting things started with this very good exchange between chicagomariner and Suburban Shocker:
Heheheh, a gerrymandering joke! I get this one! Bryce Miller is a good answer for this and I dare the Mariners social media team to ask the pitching staff to define “gerrymandering” for one of their next tiny mic interviews on social media. Giving this exchange a BOSIO.
Poster and faithful mod btownfritz says, “The Mariners as a whole are Thomas Paine.”
My Puyallup School District and state university education failed me here as I could not think of a single thing associated with Thomas Paine, so I turned to the LLocal expert and here’s what Jake had to say:
“Paine is my GOAT of founding fathers. He wrote ”Common Sense” which popularized independence, wrote some of the earliest abolitionist essays in American history, wrote “The American Crisis” which played no small part in saving the war effort, was editor in chief of a radical newspaper that at least once argued for women’s suffrage IN THE 1770s! He also wrote the “Rights of Man” and “The Age of Religion” which were his big treatises on government and religion respectively. In short, he was the most incredible poster of all time. He also died broke, alone, and forgotten despite his achievements, which i think is the Mariners of it all.”
As soon as I read this, I was like “Ah, yes, ‘Common Sense,’ that is a thing I remember.” The rest of this is all very interesting and I get why Fritz made the pick. Maybe the Mariners will do the big thing that will make them memorable for all of baseball history someday. Giving this answer a BRASH.
Poster Suburban Shocker says, “Josh Naylor as Alexander Hamilton. The agitator who got under some people’s skin and eventually got beaned by a 700 mph lead fastball.”
Ah, yes, Alexander Hamilton. I think there was a play about him or something.
(^a first ballot HOF tweet for me)
Anyways, yeah Naylor is certainly an agitator and shit-stirrer, but let’s obviously hope Naylor never meets a similar end. We kinda need him at first base for the foreseeable future. Giving this pick an IWAKUMA.
Poster and LL Staffer/Historian Jake Parr says, “George Wythe of Virginia was a brilliant lawyer, amateur astronomer, and friend of the much more famous George W. He shunned the limelight and preferred to remain at home with his wife, when he wasn’t teaching law that is. He used to say that his students would remember him and speak for him, and that was good enough. So to me, that speaks of Pete Woodworth, who himself has a bachelor’s degree in History.”
Well, of course Jake clocks in with the deepest pull and most well-reasoned pick. I was not aware of George Wythe previously, but I respect his introverted nature. Sounds like a real chiller. The Pete Woodworth comparison works well and for that I also issue an IWAKUMA for this pick.
And finally, this made me cackle:
Relatable, true, and honest. Wish I knew more.
All right folks, anyone who said last week that the Angels series is when the Mariners would get hot again is looking pretty smart right now. If they win this next series with the Marlins, then I think that qualifies as a hot streak. A sweep would be ideal. Happy summer, y’all, and go Mariners.
