Mr. Rogers said to look for the helpers. There was no help in the Mariners game today for fans hoping to see the team eke out a win in South Florida. So since the Mariners are unhelpful, here is some actual helpful information to counteract the dreadful series sweep suffered today as the Mariners lost, 9-4, to the Tampa Bay Rays.
In a game the Mariners needed to win to avoid the sweep and maintain ground in the race for the playoffs, George Kirby instead turned in arguably his worst-ever start as
a Mariner. It’s hard to tell what exactly went wrong for Kirby, but his pitches seemed to be bumblebee-slow and the size of dinner plates to the Rays hitters, who pounded Kirby for five straight hits in the first, leading to four runs, and then got another four runs in the second on another parade of hits. Kirby’s day ended after that second inning, leaving the bullpen to cover the remaining six.
That was not helpful. But here is something helpful: if you are cleaning a microwave, heat up a bowl of water in the microwave first on high for a minute or so. The steam will loosen any caked-on food from previous culinary adventures (I cannot melt butter in the microwave without exploding it) and make the whole thing easier to clean out. If you add a squeeze of lemon and some vinegar you get some nice deodorizing/sanitizing properties too, and you can use the warm water to wipe out the microwave.
Adrian Houser already slated to be a tough matchup for the Mariners hitters, who seem to have misplaced their bats lately. Gifted with an eight-run lead, he didn’t let up, burying the Mariners hitters over the first five innings. That was not helpful. But here is something helpful, from staffer Jake, if you have an older dishwasher or older pipes: run your tap until it’s hot before you turn your dishwasher on to make sure it gets hot water during the pre-fill cycle. Jake says you can also put a little vinegar or dishwashing detergent in the bottom, so the pre-fill has a little soap. I do not have a dishwasher, so cannot verify this is a helpful hack, but the rest of the staff seemed impressed by it.
Eduard Bazardo took over for Kirby in the third, for Reasons, and then Emerson Hancock worked the next two innings. His stuff unfortunately looked just as hittable as it did the other night in his relief appearance, although he was able to work around two on and one out with an inning-ending double play. In his second inning of work, he did let another run score after loading the bases with no outs, although he got out of that with another inning-ending double play. That is not as bad as it could have been, but it is still not helpful. But here is something helpful, from John: on Microsoft computers, you can hold Alt+Tab and then use Tab to switch between tabs. This feels like a trick you already know or you don’t need to know because you don’t use a Microsoft computer, so it spiritually seems to fit Hancock’s outing.
The Mariners finally got some runs back against Houser in the sixth, putting two on with one out for Cal Raleigh, who did not hit a three-run home run but did drive in a run with a single. Moderately helpful, in that it kept the Mariners from being shut out, but not as helpful as a three-run home run. Because it’s the Big Dumper, here’s a toilet-specific helpful hack: after scrubbing your toilet bowl, do not put your just-used toilet brush directly back in the caddy; a wet brush in an enclosed space is a recipe for mildew and mold. Spray it with a spray bottle filled with a disinfectant and then sandwich the brush between the toilet seat and rim to let it drip-dry into the bowl.
The only actual help for the Mariners today came from Julio Rodríguez, who pounced on a flagging Houser with a two-out, three-run home run that made the score look respectable, even if this game was basically over from the second inning.
That’s a home run only at the four fakest MLB ballparks: Yankee Stadium, this one aka Mini Yankee Stadium, whatever Houston is calling their park these days, and Oracle Park, which admittedly isn’t fake so much as it is aggressively idiosyncratic. So…thanks for the help, Yankees? In honor of New York, here’s a hack for your clothes, pinstriped or otherwise: for grease stains, like from pizza, rub a piece of white chalk over the stain, let it absorb, blot and then wash as usual. The chalk will absorb the grease. If it’s a really stubborn stain, you can try Dawn dish soap as well.
That’s all the offense the Mariners would be able to muster today, though. Thankfully, this one didn’t get more out of control thanks to some yeoman’s work from Tayler Saucedo, who pitched three scoreless, allowing no runs on three hits and no walks to four strikeouts. Actually helpful. It’s getting tiresome to find these bright spots in blowouts, but Saucedo—who has struggled this year—turning in a bullpen-saving strong performance is definitely a bright spot. In honor of Sauce, here’s a gamer helpful hint: if you have a bunch of different cords from different games or gaming systems, store them in a large box in individual toilet paper rolls. On the outside of each roll, write what game/system/accessory the cord goes with.
Also actually helpful: the Diamondbacks, who beat the Rangers, and the Angels, who beat the Royals. Not helpful: the Yankees, who blew a three-run lead and are now poised to lose to the Astros. Most helpful: tomorrow is an off-day, so we all get a break from Mariners baseball. Look to the helpers in this case means the MLB schedulers who gave the team an off day tomorrow.
