Dear Premier League: An Open Apology From Sunderland AFC,
Before the final ball of our first season back is kicked on Sunday afternoon, Sunderland AFC would like to take a moment — with characteristic Wearside humility — to issue a formal apology for the 2025/26 campaign.
In our defence: we didn’t mean to do any of it.
Alan Shearer had us going straight back down; the bookmakers had us as red-hot favourites for relegation, which is generous shorthand for “lads, get the parachute ready”, and yet here we are, ninety minutes from a European spot and having to
confess to the following specific offences.
We are, sincerely, very sorry.
Offence #1: “Opening week disrespect”
On 16 August, the very first weekend of the season, we beat West Ham 3-0 at home.
Robin Roefs kept a clean sheet on his debut. Eliezer Mayenda (he hates Sam Fender) headed in from an Omar Alderete cross, Dan Ballard then arrived at the back post, and Wilson Isidor put the gloss on it in stoppage time.
We accept that the correct etiquette for a promoted side is a polite single-goal defeat; a “good effort, lads” headline, and a quiet sit down at the bottom of the table. Instead we got three points off a top half side and never gave them back.
Sorry, Hammers.
Offence #2: “Aggravated theft at Stamford Bridge”
On 25 October, we travelled to West London and absconded with all three points.
Alejandro Garnacho put Chelsea ahead inside four minutes, at which point the script said we would politely roll over, but Isidor hadn’t read the script and Chemsdine Talbi hadn’t even bought the script as his 93rd minute winner sent Sunderland briefly to second in the Premier League table.
Apologies to Chelsea, who were trying very hard.
Offence #3: “Ruining Roberto De Zerbi’s first day”
To the third Tottenham manager of the season — who’d been in the Spurs dugout for all of a fortnight when we welcomed him to the Stadium of Light on the 12th of April — we are truly sorry.
Nordi Mukiele’s deflected effort on the hour mark won the game 1-0 and tipped Spurs even further into the relegation mire.
Roberto, our regards. You looked very smart in that coat.
Offence #4: “Doing the league double over the Mags”
Two derbies. Two wins. Eleven games unbeaten against Newcastle in the league, the longest run by either side in the history of the fixture.
‘Saint’ Nick Woltemade obligingly put through his own net at the Stadium of Light in December, then Brian Brobbey scored in the ninetieth minute at St James’ Park in March to send 3000 of us scattering across Tyneside like jubilant red and white shrapnel.
We beat them four times in a row at home for the first time in our history. We’re not sorry. We’re not sorry one bit. The only apology we owe Newcastle is for being there at all, which we will not be making.
Offence #5: “Rubbing shoulders with the best”
Up to 11 February, Sunderland AFC were on a very short list of clubs unbeaten at home in Europe’s top five leagues — the other names being Atlético Madrid, Barcelona, Borussia Dortmund, Juventus, Napoli and Paris Saint-Germain.
To the Catalans, the Parisians and the rest: profuse apologies for the company we kept you in. We know our place.
Offence #6: “Making Aston Villa work for it”
On 19 April, we travelled to Villa Park, went one down inside two minutes, were 3-1 behind shortly after the break, dragged ourselves back to 3-3 and then conceded a Tammy Abraham winner in stoppage time.
We accept that the dignified course of action would’ve been a straightforward 3-1 defeat, and we apologise to Villa for stretching this out further than necessary, and to our travelling support for putting them through it.
In closing…
The full charge sheet is too long for a single letter.
We haven’t mentioned the goalless afternoon against Manchester City, or the points we took off Arsenal, or the Stadium of Light becoming the loudest stadium of its kind in the country.
We’re sorry. We didn’t know it was forbidden. And in the spirit of openness, the directors of Sunderland Association Football Club must inform the league that we will, in all likelihood, be doing it all again next season. Possibly in midweek, and in Europe.
Yours sincerely,
The Black Cats.
Haway the Lads!
