I am well aware that is not a picture of Puddles in the headline. Puddles doesn’t actually appear at the games any more, there was a bit of a kerfuffle back in the day (read more here), but they have never been far from our hearts. As the football season is nearly upon us, I found myself thinking: “What would puddles say this opponent and/or their fans?”
Call it intuition, call it channeling their spirit, or call it a strange white duck leaving a note on my door. Whatever you choose to believe, here
is what I think (wink) puddles would say to each opposing football team in 2025.
Montana State – “State? Wasn’t there already a University of Montana? Are there even enough people, let alone students, in Montana to fill two college campuses? Why not consolidate? If you combined forces you might finally beat one of those Dakota schools.”
Oklahoma State – “Coach, I love a mullet as much as the next fowl. But based on how the last few seasons have gone, I think it’s time to hang ‘em up and concentrate on the party in back rather than the business in front. Let’s face it, it’s been a while since you let us know you were a man, and you were already 40 then. Don’t worry, we’ll always have the Holiday Bowl.”
Northwestern – “I swear, if you turn into the new Stanford where weird stuff happens in an empty stadium I will come back in March and dunk every single one of you into that glowing-green river!.”
Oregon State – “Oh… you’re still here?”
Penn State – “You know the difference between us? When we both wear white after Labor Day, I make it look good.”
Indiana – “ In 2004 I would have asked the administration to let your team transfer here because let’s face it: nobody deserves to be forced live in Indiana for 3-5 years. But after you were such rude guests? Forget it!”
Rutgers – “I hope we run up the score quickly so the players don’t have to spend too much time in New Jersey. The only upside is people there still know only barbarians pump their own gas.”
Wisconsin – “I’ll stick with the beer we make here in Oregon, thanks. But if you bring us some of those cheese curds I’d be happy to share with you at the tailgate.”
Iowa – “Are there even any people here or has the corn evolved rudimentary sentience and the ability to passably imitate human behavior?”
Minnesota – “Oh… you’ve got so many lakes where you’re from! You’re on the coast of Lake Superior itself! Well, are any of your lakes in a real life crater, huh? Also, I think those guys up the road might have stolen your mascot…”
Southern California – “For a fancy private school you all sure are poorly read. Here’s a ENG 101 fact for you: the Trojans lost that war!”
washington – “I wish I could hate you to death.”
