This is a column to check in on the rest of the football world, but since it’s 2025 in America I will beat you over the head with The Agenda, which in case you’ve forgotten is “Big Ten Superiority Unless
It’s Funny.”
THE AGENDA MVP: USC TROJANS
USC defeated #21 Iowa to advance to 8-2. They now sit 16th in the latest AP poll after that victory, and as a two-loss Big Ten team, should they not be pretty safely in the CFP discussion? They have everything you need: ranked wins, quality road losses, a helmet name that casuals recognize…what are they missing?
Iowa, meanwhile, should also have an argument for CFP inclusions. They have losses to only Oregon, Indiana and USC, and they have a fourth loss but that happened around the time Alabama lost to Florida State so it didn’t count.
ALABAMA LOST TO FLORIDA STATE AND ALSO OKLAHOMA
Alabama hoisted Oklahoma into the top 10 without falling out of it themselves. The Tide now have two losses on the year, and while their loss to Oklahoma was highly contested, their loss to Florida State, which (and I cannot emphasize this enough) occurred THIS SEASON, was not. Florida State beat the corpse of Virginia Tech to push their ACC record to 2-5.
Let me pose a question. Is a 14-point loss to a 2-5 ACC team on the road that was never really competitive better or worse than a 53-point loss on the road to the undefeated #2 team in the country?
Does it matter if that #2 team is Ohio State or if that ACC team is Wake Forest? Should it?
What are we doing here really? Ohio State is now taking flak on ESPN’s endless CFP panel shows for not showing us how good they are when they’re trailing in the fourth quarter. Why does that make them worse?
TEXAS A&M MASTER CLASS
South Carolina, whose entire soul was consumed at the conclusion of the 2024 season by a very hungry Bret Bielema, went on the road to #3 Texas A&M with a 3-6 record and raced out to a 30-3 lead. They choked a golden opportunity by turning 1st and goal from the Aggie 9 into a field goal at the end of the first half. This would be decisive when A&M woke up in the second half to take a 31-30 lead that they were unable to extend for the final 10+ minutes of play.
That’s how they’d like you to see it anyway. After seeing all the comments about Ohio State being untested and Julian Sayin not really having a Heisman Moment, A&M manufactured their own drama by selling the game in the first half. They timed it a little aggressively because their Heisman Moment Epic Comeback ESPN Instant Classic took the lead with over 11 minutes to go, so they backed off to keep the game dramatic.
They have a #1 vote, and I firmly believe their fake-ass performance has convinced many ESPN chucklefucks that they are in fact the best team in the country. After all, it’s not just any team that can totally shut down South Carolina for a half.
INDIANA TRIED FOR DRAMA, OHIO STATE DIDN’T
Indiana continued their streak of dicking around with inferior teams as an attention-getting mechanism, but they weren’t able to get enough points out of the anemic Wisconsin offense to keep the charade up in the second half. Ohio State on the other hand does not understand how close they are to being excluded from the CFP on the basis that their games would be too boring and wouldn’t get good ratings. They didn’t even try to create drama.
THE WASHINGTON/ILLINOIS PROBLEM
Several nightmare scenarios for Big Ten minimizers have been avoided thanks to inclement weather and Washington’s extreme home/away splits. If not for an absolute act of God, Washington could be 8-2 with a very strong CFP argument. Illinois, at 7-3 with only losses to two undefeateds and a team with a very strong CFP argument, would also have a case. That’s true even if you invert the Illinois/Washington result; 7-3 Washington would have losses only to ranked teams, while Illinois would have to be in the top 10 at 8-2 with the best two losses of anyone.
We know that nothing’s more valuable than the Quality Loss. Who has more elite losses than the Illini?
QUARTERBACK CLUB
There are many reasons the Big Ten is the premier conference for college football, but if you want just one look no further than passing efficiency numbers: NCAA College Football FBS current individual Stats | NCAA.com
Of the top 11 (which as we know is just the negative space between BIG and TEN), six are from God’s Conference. Julian Sayin, Fernando Mendoza, Dante Moore, Demond Williams, Jayden Maiava and Luke Altmyer check in at 1, 2, 4, 6, 8 and 11. #3 on that list is a Big Ten legacy. The only SEC quarterback in the top 11 is Diego Pavia, who was created out of whole cloth by former Big Ten head coach Jerry Kill. So in essence, 8 of the top 11 quarterbacks are Big Ten. Drew Mestemaker sounds enough like a guy that plays at Iowa that I’m going to count half of him and say 8.5.
Speaking of Iowa, only five players in the country have more touchdowns than Mark Gronowski.
The Heisman voters don’t have the attention span to watch Big Ten football because we win and lose games as entire teams and that forces them to focus on what’s actually happening instead of picking through counting stats and box scores.
MICHIGAN DOES WHAT ALABAMA DOESN’T
Michigan and Alabama played fundamentally the same game against fundamentally the same caliber of opponent. Each doubled up their foe in yardage and controlled the game on a down to down basis but lost the turnover and field position battles.
In only one of those games did the more productive team also win. Hint: it was Michigan.
There sure are a few other teams in the Big Ten as well, but I’m running out of room to describe all the glories of this conference so I’ll have to omit some.
WHAT ABOUT FLORIDA?
A key part of any SEC glazer’s argument is “Florida is elite,” which has to be true since Florida has taken the likes of Georgia and Ole Miss to the wire while handing Texas a loss. If you think Florida’s that good, put your name on it. Rank 3-7 Florida in the top 20 where you think they belong. If you don’t, you’re a coward that doesn’t actually believe the SEC is that good.
Texas, by the way, should be eliminated from CFP contention after losing to Georgia yet again.
ACC = ASS
Pitt threw up all over themselves at the beginning of their contest with Notre Dame, while Louisville lost to the ghost of Clemson. Miami will never be forgiven for their losses. Front-runner Georgia Tech was roughly as competitive against Boston College as the worst least elite team in the Big Ten. The score just happened to misalign so as to not require overtime.
IT’S CHICKENSHIT SATURDAY IN THE SEC
While respectable conferences are out here grinding through their 8th conference game (usually in a row), the SEC has the greatest tradition in sports: Chickenshit Saturday!
Which of these bangers will you watch? Samford at Texas A&M? Charlotte at Georgia? Eastern Illinois at Alabama? Arkansas at Texas? Mercer at Auburn? Kentucky at Vanderbilt?
Western Kentucky at LSU is unlikely to be interesting. The Toppers are quietly 8-2 but have lost decisively to Toledo and FIU. They used to be more fun. Same’s true of Coastal Carolina, who probably won’t get the best of South Carolina.
Missouri at Oklahoma looks like the only quality SEC game until you look more closely and see that #23 Tennessee is taking on the greatest 3-7 team in the history of football, the Florida Gators.
Meanwhile, in the Big Ten, we have a showdown of top-20 Midwestern powerhouses Oregon and USC.
