Next week, the biggest sporting event in the world kicks off. No, I’m not talking about UFC White House, though this one is also happening in the United States. I’m talking about the FIFA World Cup.
For the next month, 48 nations will square off to determine bragging rights over the game of football (the most popular sport in the world) for the next four years. Billions of people will watch, and in the end, one team will be crowned champions of the world and bring glory to their home country. It’s
awesome, but unfortunately, we here in the MMA world don’t really have anything like it. Except we do. Because for each of the past two World Cups, I made an equivalent MMA World Cup. And it’s time to do it all again!
In the first iteration of this experiment, Brazil followed in the footsteps of its footballing countrymen, raising the inaugural Golden Cage. But in 2022, the United States entered the fray and wrestled control of global MMA from the Seleção, squeaking by them in a contentious championship match. Will Brazil even the score this time around? Or will a new contender emerge to take their spot atop the global MMA hierarchy?
A quick reminder on how all this works. The World Cup of MMA runs side-by-side with the FIFA World Cup, meaning only teams qualified for the latter are entered into the former. Football teams start with 11 players, so we pick 11 fighters — one for each of the premier weight classes in the sport — to represent each country in an MMA tournament. We then play out the various matches and see which country takes home the gold.
One win equals one point, and countries share the points when neither has an eligible fighter in a given weight class. We did the best we could to fill out teams, while also not putting complete novices in there. Choices were made, and liberties were taken. If you have any issues with the team compositions, I encourage you to email the appropriate authorities at gokickrocks@biteme.com.
Special shoutout to Tapology, without whom this endeavor would be nearly impossible. Now, let’s get it on.
Group A
The biggest change to the World Cup this year is that the field expanded from 32 teams to 48. While that ends up making the first knockout stage seeding a bit complicated, it’s pretty nice when you look at a group like this — which is probably the Group of Death in this year’s tournament — with four viable teams. Now, there’s an opportunity for three teams to make it out of this stage, instead of just two.
Mexico consistently fields a strong team in this endeavor, carried by the strength of its women’s divisions, plus notable figures in a few of the other weight classes. They’ve yet to make a deep run, but that’s mostly a result of unfortunate matchups. This year’s squad remains strong and wins Group A.
South Korea were darlings in 2022, making it to the semi-finals, and they return enough talent to punch their ticket through as well. Jiri Prochazka does enough to give Czechia a chance at a wild card spot, and South Africa gives a good accounting of itself as an MMA nation on the rise.
Results: Mexico (26) wins the group. South Korea (17) comes in second. Czechia (11) gets enough wins to advance as a wild card. South Africa (9) is eliminated.
Best Fights: Dricus du Plessis vs. Anthony “Fluffy” Hernandez, Yair Rodriguez vs. Doo Ho Choi
Group B
Canada gave a solid showing in 2022, and despite the broader decline in talent in the country, they’ve fielded a decent squad, helmed by top 15 fighters in multiple weight classes, and six returning names. They romp over a relatively easy group, giving the home-country fans something to celebrate.
Switzerland comes in second, backed by the trio of Volkan Oezdemir, Robert Valentin, and Ange Loosa, while Bosnia and Herzegovina far exceeds expectations and makes a play for a wild card spot. Qatar, meanwhile, brings up the rear, but this is still a huge win for the 2022 host team, who did not field a single fighter four years ago.
Results: Canada (31) wins the group. Switzerland (15) takes second place. Bosnia and Herzegovina (10) comes in third. Qatar (7) is eliminated.
Best Fights: Mike Mallott vs. Ange Loosa, Lance Gibson Jr. vs. Damir Hadzovic
Group C
Brazil is a powerhouse that’s been in the finals of every World Cup. That may well continue here as they go a perfect 33-0 in the group stage. A few names to note on this Brazil squad: Amanda Nunes has returned from retirement to try and reclaim gold, and Mackenzie Dern opted to represent Brazil instead of the United States. Will that come back to bite her?
Morocco and Scotland battle it out for second place, with Youssef Zalal and company barely edging out Paul Craig and the Bravehearts. Haiti can’t really field a team, and while they don’t go winless, they do score the fewest points of any team in this year’s World Cup.
Results: Brazil (33) wins the group. Morocco (14) comes in second. Scotland (13) takes third. Haiti (2) is eliminated.
Best Fights: Diego Lopes vs. Youssef Zalal, Caio Borralho vs. Ismail Naurdiev
Group D
Man, you’ve gotta feel bad for Paraguay and Türkiye. The United States and Australia are two of the strongest countries in this sport, so they’ve got no real chance to advance here. Even their wild card hopes are slim, given the lack of overall wins they can expect to get against the powerhouses of the group.
The U.S. sports three UFC champions, and every fighter is ranked in the top 10 of their weight classes. They’re the favorites to repeat, especially as Merab Dvalishvili is taking advantage of his U.S. citizenship to team up with Aljamain Sterling. Oh, and Justin Gaethje beat out Max Holloway for the lightweight spot because he’s ahead in the rankings (that’s how this works).
As for Australia, they’re always good. Robert Whittaker stuck around at 185 for this because there wasn’t another great option, and Jimmy Crute is a respectable light heavyweight. It’s all about teamwork for the Kangaroos.
Shoutout to Türkiye, who appear to be a nation on the rise in MMA. They tried out there, but this was a lion’s den. Paraguay, meanwhile, has some work to do.
Results: U.S. (31) wins the group. Australia (24) comes in second. Türkiye (8) and Paraguay (3) are eliminated.
Best Fights: Justin Gaethje vs. Quillan Salkilld, Aljamain Sterling vs. Alexander Volkanovski, Sean Brady vs. Jack Della Maddalena, Sean Strickland vs. Robert Whittaker
Group E
This is an impressively weak group, with Germany being the only country to field a full team. That’s a huge advantage in something like this, as they just get free wins and roll to an easy first-place finish. Michael Morales and Chito Vera carry a short-handed Ecuador to second place, while the smaller nations of Curacao and Ivory Coast do their best and, amazingly, Ivory Coast does enough to grab one of the eight wild card spots.
Results: Germany (24) wins the stage. Ecuador (15) comes in second. Ivory Coast (10) comes in third. Curacao (6) is eliminated.
Best Fights: Michael Morales vs. Islam Dulatov
Group F
The Netherlands is probably the country where I took the most liberties, and I regret nothing. Rico Verhoeven nearly upset Oleksandr Usyk; we want that guy on our World Cup team. Sadly, it’s not enough to win the stage as the Big Three here all take chunks out of each other, with Tunisia doing its best not to go home empty-handed.
Ultimately, Sweden wins the stage on the back of a lot of veteran experience, while the Dutch come in second. Japan has a strong core unit, but its supporting players kill them, and they miss out on the guaranteed advancement, but do earn a wild card place.
Results: Sweden (22) wins the stage. The Netherlands (19) comes in second. Japan (17) takes third. Tunisia (6) is eliminated.
Best Fights: Kyoji Horiguchi vs. Bernardo Sopaj?
Group G
This is a highly competitive group, as no team is a monster, but every team has some strengths. Belgium is an MMA nation on the rise, as the recent PFL event showed; Egypt has fighters in every spot on the roster, Iran has enough of a regional scene to field a real team, and New Zealand is a known staple of high-level MMA.
The impressive young talent of Belgium carries it to a group win, while New Zealand comes in second on the back of established veterans, barely edging out Egypt, which also advances. Also to note, in this exercise, Carlos Ulberg’s knee isn’t jacked up, and Navajo Stirling is filling in at heavyweight since his teammate is the obvious light heavyweight contender.
Results: Belgium (19) wins the stage. New Zealand (18) comes in second. Egypt (16) takes third. Iran (10) is eliminated.
Best Fights: Boris Atangana vs. Carlos Ulberg, Patrick Habirora vs. Jay Jay Wilson, Hamdy Abdelwahab vs. Amir Aliakbari (LOL)
Group H
This group is a tough hand as neither Saudi Arabia nor Cape Verde can field a real team. That leaves Spain and Uruguay to battle it out for the group, and one of those countries has the Topuria brothers backing it.
Spain wins, Uruguay advances, Cape Verde and Saudi Arabia pick up a few wins each.
Results: Spain (25) wins the group. Uruguay (18) comes in second. Saudi Arabia (6) and Cape Verde (5) are eliminated.
Best Fights: Look, not every stage is a winner, OK?
Group I
It’s at this point in the endeavor that I realized that a) the World Cup expanding to 48 teams has added a lot of work to this thing, and b) man, not all these teams need to be here.
France is one of the favorites of this tournament, having made it to the semi-finals of the last two World Cups. They romp over the rest of the group, with the second-highest point total of the open rounds, while Norway picks up the scraps. Iraq has Amir Albazi, who goes 3-0 for them, but that’s not enough as Reug Reug and company improbably eke out enough wins to make it in as the last of the eight wild card teams.
(At this point, I should explain ties are the first tie-breaker for advancement. Senegal had seven ties compared to Iraq’s five.)
Results: France (32) wins the group. Norway (9) comes in second. Senegal (8) takes third. Iraq (8) is eliminated.
Best Fights: Ciryl Gane vs. Reug Reug, Oumar Sy vs. Marthin Hamlet
Group J
Argentina has a strong core of fighters in the middle of their lineup, headed by Kevin Vallejos and Santiago Ponzinibbio, and that carries the group. Aleksandr Rakic and Bogdan Grad bring Austria to second place, while Algeria just misses the knockout stage due to tiebreakers.
Results: Argentina (29) wins the group. Austria (16) comes in second. Algeria (8) and Jordan (4) are eliminated.
Best Fights: Esteban Ribovics vs. Mochamed Machaev, Kevin Vallejos vs. Bogdan Grad
Group K
A surprisingly competitive group. Uzbek fighters have been making waves in MMA the past few years, and they almost do enough to take the group, before ultimately falling to the much more established Portugal team, captained by Manel Kape and Jacqueline Cavalcanti. Colombia is also right there in the mix, doing enough to earn the final wild card spot. The Democratic Republic of the Congo brings up the rear, largely due to the lack of female fighters, as they managed to score a reasonable number of wins with the team they did have.
Results: Portugal (20) wins the group. Uzbekistan (19) comes in second. Colombia (16) takes third. DR Congo (7) is eliminated.
Best Fights: Manel Kape vs. Ramazan Temirov
Group L
The last of the groups, and while it’s not the least of them, it’s not great. England is an MMA powerhouse, and they clean house here as they look to make a deep run and finally bring the title Home.
Croatia also fields a competitive team captained by Roberto Soldic, who is back at welterweight for this run. They cruise to second, with Panama and Ghana not proving especially competitive. Panama does at least put a team together — with Joselyne Edwards going a perfect 3-0 — while Ghana barely has enough members to count as a team, sadly. Maybe next time.
Results: England (30) wins the group. Croatia (17) takes second. Panama (7) and Ghana (5) are eliminated.
Best Fights: Leon Edwards vs. Roberto Soldic, Christian Leroy Duncan vs. Abdul Razak Alhassan, Melissa Mullins vs. Joselyne Edwards
Well, that’s it for the group stage. Now it’s on to the knockout rounds! 32 teams have made it through, and true to the overly complicated way the FIFA World Cup is doing things, I’ve seeded the teams into our knockout bracket.
Let’s winnow this down to 16 teams!
Round of 32
South Korea vs. Switzerland
This is arguably an easier matchup for South Korea than anything it faced in the group stage, as Switzerland doesn’t even field a full team. Oezdemir and Loosa do their part, but “The Iron Turtle” and Doo Ho Choi put a beatdown on the Swiss that you could set your watch to. There are no Alps to hide behind in the cage.
Winner: South Korea def. Switzerland 9-2.
Brazil vs. The Netherlands
Welp, it was a good effort, Netherlands. Brazil is, once again, a wagon. 33-0 in the group stage, and as we move to the knockout phase of things, only Reinier de Ridder is able to scratch out a win over Paulo Costa. That does mean the Dutch don’t get blanked, but poor Rico Verhoeven now no longer has feet, and the shell of Gegard Mousasi (who was technically eligible to compete in this per the criteria that I made up) wishes he hadn’t bothered.
Winner: Brazil def. The Netherlands 10-1.
Germany vs. Scotland
Germany ran away in a weak group, but this is a team with some glaring holes in it. Sadly for Scotland, they aren’t playing with a full deck, and that’s too big a hurdle to overcome. Ze Germans bomb Scotland back to the Highlands.
Winner: Germany def. Scotland 7-4.
Sweden vs. Morocco
Sweden is a solid team from top to bottom, while Morocco is still a program that’s finding its feet. Sweden wraps things up easily with a clean sweep of the women’s fights.
Winner: Sweden def. Morocco 8-3.
Ecuador vs. Norway
Do you believe in miracles?!
Ecuador has three established fighters and a dream this World Cup, and they’re making the most of it. After getting the easiest draw of the group stages, Ecuador now gets Norway, which lacks any established talent and also has huge holes in the roster.
Michael Morales cannot be stopped. At least not this round.
Winner: Ecuador and Norway tie 5-5-1. Ecuador advances on tiebreakers (I flipped a coin).
France vs. Japan
Poor Japan. They had a nightmare group stage, barely missed second place, scored the most of any third-place team, and their reward is this massacre. France is a great unit in all phases, and Japan’s lack of talent in the heavier weight classes really screws it over. Big Bank takes Little Bank.
Winner: France def. Japan 8-3.
Mexico vs. Ivory Coast
This needs no explanation.
Winner: Mexico def. Ivory Coast 11-0.
England vs. Colombia
Samesies.
Winner: England def. Colombia 11-0.
Belgium vs. Czechia
Oooooh, the first semi-upset! Czechia made it into the knockout rounds as a wild card, and it immediately pays that off by scratching out a win over the talented but limited Belgian team. If Belgium didn’t spot Czechia three free wins, this probably would have gone differently, but that’s just not very bushido spirit to fail to show up. Jiri is ashamed of you.
Winner: Czechia def. Belgium 6-5.
United States vs. Bosnia and Herzegovina
“Hello, officer? I’d like to report a crime.”
Winner: U.S.A. def. Bosnia and Herzegovina 11-0.
Spain vs. Austria
A competitive matchup that again shows the strength of having a full, or close to full, roster. Spain has enough top-end talent that, with a few free wins in the women’s divisions, Austria can’t compete.
Winner: Spain def. Austria 6-4-1.
Uzbekistan vs. Croatia
This might be the matchup of the Round of 32. Neither Uzbekistan nor Croatia blows your doors off with big names, but they’ve got a few stars and solid teams. Bogdan Guskov vs. Ivan Erslan is fun, and the rest of the bouts are all competitive, but there’s too much emerging talent on the Uzbek side of things.
Winner: Uzbekistan def. Croatia 6-4-1.
Canada vs. Egypt
This is the sort of performance that Egypt can be proud of, and one to build on. As a nation without a huge MMA pedigree, Egypt fielded a full team and competed well. But Canada knows how to hockey fight, and only Big Ham gets a win for the Egyptians.
Winner: Canada def. Egypt 10-1.
Australia vs. New Zealand
The Battle for ANZAC!
The fates are cruel, as half these dudes are teammates, or at least occasional training partners with each other. But when national pride is at stake, there can be no friends. Unfortunately for the Kiwis, they’re no match for Oz. Kai Kara-France beats Steve Erceg again, and Carlos Ulberg demolishes Jimmy Crute, but a badly diminished Israel Adesanya loses his trilogy fight with Robert Whittaker, and no one else can manage a W either.
Winner: Australia def. New Zealand 9-2.
Argentina vs. Uruguay
Argentina wins this battle for South America as they are uniquely positioned to mess with Uruguay, who gives the Albiceleste two free wins right out of the gate. Then the bulwark of Ponzinibbio, Ribovics, and Vallejos clean up the rest.
Winner: Argentina def. Uruguay 8-3.
Portugal vs. Senegal
Senegal was the last nation into the knockout stage, sneaking in with just eight points and the best tiebreaker. So, as you might imagine, they’re not going to do much against a real team like Portugal. Kape’s bunch aren’t the best in the world, but they’re competent enough to put Senegal down.
Winner: Portugal def. Senegal 7-3-1.
Round of 16
Here’s where things stand heading into the next round.
South Korea vs. Brazil
South Korea simply has no chance here. Brazil continues to roll. But can we all stop to appreciate how BANANAS a Doo Ho Choi vs. Diego Lopes fight would be? Sign me up for that.
Winner: Brazil def. South Korea 11-0.
Germany vs. Sweden
Now this is a scrap. Sweden is a real assortment of stars and scrubs, while Germany is more well-rounded but lacks juice. That proves to be costly as Latifi, Albrektsson, and a superior women’s lineup get the job done.
Winner: Sweden def. Germany 6-5.
Ecuador vs. France
Winner: Ecuador never stood a chance. They snuck through a dreadfully weak group and then got fortunate in the Round of 32. France is a legit contender and shows it, with Ecuador’s only saving grace being its three best fighters match up to France’s three worst.
Winner: France def. Ecuador 8-3.
Mexico vs. England
This is unequivocally the matchup of the WC so far. Both teams enter this round after a perfect showing in the Round of 32.
The strength of Mexico has always been its women’s divisions, but England has Dakota Ditcheva to answer, splitting the first three fights 2-1 for Mexico. From there, Lone’er Kavanagh beats Brandon Moreno again, Lerone Murphy beats up Yair Rodriguez, who is still rusty from never fighting, and Paddy Pimblett and Leon Edwards handle business. It all comes down to the heavyweights, and England has the best in the world.
Winner: England def. Mexico 6-5.
United States vs. Czechia
The United States continues to bulldoze through this competition. Jiri Prochazka is able to sneak one away from the Americans, but none of the rest of the fights are even competitive.
Winner: U.S.A. def. Czechia 10-1.
Spain vs. Uzbekistan
Uzbekistan is, I think, the team that’s surprised me the most this tournament. But can it continue to overachieve in the face of one of the best fighters on Earth?
No. No, it can’t.
Costello van Steenis, Joel Alvarez, and the Topuria brothers are a strong contingent in the middle of the Spanish team, and the free win at women’s strawweight means that Spain just has to find one more win to advance, which they do.
Winner: Spain def. Uzbekistan 6-4-1.
Australia vs. Canada
This is not quite Mexico vs. England, but it’s a darn good matchup. Who will earn bragging rights as the King’s favorite former colony?
Canada’s women get the ball rolling early, taking a clean sweep in the first three fights. Steve Erceg gets Oz its first win of the round, but Aiemann Zahabi takes the momentum right back. Now we get to the strength of the Aussies, though, and it shines through as Alexander Volkanovski, Quillan Salkilld, Jack Della Maddalena, Robert Whittaker, and Jimmy Crute run up the score, closing things out before Boser beats Pericic in a win that’s too little too late.
Winner: Australia def. Canada 6-5.
Argentina vs. Portugal
Another fine matchup, but as is often the case in this tournament, you can’t spot opponents free wins. Petruzzella and Martinez getting walkovers means that Argentina only needs four to advance, and Ponzinibbio, Ribovics, and Vallejos get them three. They find one more from Emiliano Sordi, and that’s all they need.
Winner: Argentina def. Portugal 6-5.
Quarterfinals
We’ve reached the quarterfinals!
Brazil vs. Sweden
Just look at these matchups. What’s Sweden supposed to do here beyond bleed? The only one of these the Swedes might even have a chance in is Figgy Smalls vs. Sopaj because Figueiredo is pretty past it, but even that’s not a given.
Winner: Brazil def. Sweden 11-0.
France vs. England
A rematch of the 2022 quarterfinals (and also like, half of the wars throughout European history) that saw France send England packing in a very close battle. The fights are just as competitive this time around, but it’s England who gets the drop on France, surging out to a 4-1 lead. Salahdine Parnasse and Fares Ziam try to get things back on track, but the back-and-forth leaves it all up to the heavyweights. A rematch of that fateful title fight finally goes down, and this time, Aspinall doesn’t get stabbed in the eyeballs.
Winner: England def. France 6-5.
United States vs. Spain
On top of being a wood chipper of a team, the United States has gotten a very favorable draw. Spain is a decent team, but they lack the depth to battle this far into the tournament, and the astonishing collection of talent for America overwhelms, with only Ilia Topuria beating Justin Gaethje.
Winner: U.S. def. Spain 10-1.
Australia vs. Argentina
In back-to-back World Cups, Australia has been knocked out in the quarterfinals, and you can tell this means a lot to them. At some point, you start to assume you’re the problem if it keeps happening, after all.
Unfortunately for Argentina, they’ve made it this far largely on the back of a strong core and a full roster. But Australia is also suiting up the full 11, meaning there are no free wins for Messi’s mob. Even worse, the backbone of the Argentina team goes against the strongest part of the Australia team, and comes out the lesser. This is a devastating loss for Argentina, which gets battered all over the cage. Only Ailin Perez and, in a shocking upset, Kevin Vallejos get victories.
Winner: Australia def. Argentina 9-2.
Semifinals
Four teams left. Who will etch their names in history?
Brazil vs. England
Brazil knocked England out of the 2018 World Cup, and the Brits have been itching for a chance to get that one back ever since. But here’s the thing: Brazil is a motherf***** to fight.
Shanelle Dyer and Melissa Mullins might as well be cardboard figures against Mackenzie Dern and Amanda Nunes. Ditcheva does beat “Natty Ice,” though, so it’s not all bad early.
Then England goes on a run as Lone’er Kavanagh upsets Alexandre Pantoja, and Farid Basharat takes advantage of an unfocused Figgy Smalls. But that’s where the good times end for England as Lopes, Oliveira, Prates, and Borralho end the contest. Paulo Costa adds a win for good measure, but it was unnecessary. Brazil is headed to its third consecutive World Cup final.
Winner: Brazil def. England 7-4.
United States vs. Australia
A rematch of one of the 2022 Quarterfinals, and a group stage matchup this year, Australia has to be getting tired of this by now.
The U.S. women have been running roughshod over this entire tournament, and continue to do so here, backed up by two more U.S. champs getting the job done. Then only bright spots for Australia are Alexander Volkanovski and Quillan Salkilld, but the rest of the ‘Roos can’t keep pace.
Winner: U.S.A. def. Australia 9-2.
WORLD CUP FINALS
Well, here we have it. A rematch of the 2022 Finals and a fitting one. These are the two best MMA nations on Earth (well, Russia is in the mix too, but they refuse to make the tournament), with a rivalry dating back to almost the formation of the sport. Let’s check out the matchups.
This is as competitive as it gets. Almost every one of these is a coin flip, or feels like it could be. But will infighting hurt the United States? Strickland and Gaethje are beefing. Can they focus on the fights and do what needs to be done?
Dern vs. Suarez might be the ugliest fight you’ve ever seen, but Dern is, improbably, the better striker, and Suarez seems to have completely plateaued. 1-0 Brazil.
Silva has enough takedown defense to keep Blanchfield on the feet. 2-0 Brazil.
Nunes has knocked off the rust, but Harrison remains a hard fight for her. Takedowns come, and so does a finish. 2-1 Brazil.
Van already beat Pantoja once, albeit under strange circumstances. He’s getting better, and Pants is older. 2-2.
Merab runs over Figueiredo. 3-2 U.S.A.
Lopes is too big and too dynamic for Sterling. Plus, he can scramble. 3-3.
Oliveira already killed Gaethje. 4-3 Brazil.
Hardest fight of the lot to call. Prates is a destroyer of worlds, but if Brady can get takedowns, it’s a wrap. I flipped a coin. Prates won. 5-3 Brazil. They need one more to raise the cup!
Sean Strickland is the champion of the world. He gets the prerogative. 5-4 Brazil.
Another extremely close fight at light heavyweight. Would absolutely rip to watch. I flipped another coin. Rountree Jr. won. 5-5. Can the U.S. complete the comeback?
They can!!!! Mr. America himself, the Incredible Hok, protects his legs from being heel-hooked and gasses Valter Walker out with his high-paced attack!
The United States wins 6-5! Back-to-back champs, just like in World Wars!
As I said at the top, this is not exactly a perfect endeavor. Liberties were taken, snap judgments were made, and this didn’t factor in things like injuries, fouls, or how MMA is very silly a lot of the time. Still, I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to create the best and most accurate teams and outcomes I could. If you think Brazil should win, I can’t fault you for that. The margins were razor-thin and came down to literal coin flips.
Also, just to put a bow on things, Australia beat England 6-5 in the Third Place game.
Thanks for reading, love y’all.
