Forget Halloween. Forget haunted houses. Forget whatever nightmare factory Hollywood is cooking up next. If Bayern Munich players were horror movie villains, the Bundesliga would need a support group, a priest, and probably a few extra goalkeepers.
Let’s just say that facing this Bayern Munich squad would be less like playing a football match and more like starring in a horror franchise where nobody makes it to the sequel.
Harry Kane — Jason Voorhees (Friday the 13th)
He floats into the final third, smiles at his helpless victims, and then proceeds
to make their next 90 minutes a living nightmare. His vision is disturbingly good, his passing is frightening, and his ability to make defenders disappear is downright supernatural. You’ll see him in your dreams.
Michael Olise — Pennywise (IT)
He floats into the final third, smiles at his helpless victims, and then proceeds to make their next 90 minutes a living nightmare. His vision is disturbingly good, his passing is frightening, and his ability to make defenders disappear is downright supernatural. You’ll see him in your nightmares.
Manuel Neuer — Michael Myers (Halloween)
The original boogeyman. You think you’ve finally beaten him, you think you’ve found an opening, and then somehow he’s standing right in front of you again. Neuer has been terrifying strikers for so long that some of them have probably retired simply to avoid seeing him in the penalty area.
Jamal Musiala — Freddy Krueger (A Nightmare on Elm Street)
His ability to dribble through defenders is practically dreamlike. Opponents go to sleep thinking they’ve figured him out, only to wake up screaming after he’s danced through their entire defense. You can’t escape Musiala by closing your eyes. That’s when he does his best work.
Dayot Upamecano — Leatherface (The Texas Chain Saw Massacre)
An absolute physical nightmare. When Upa is in full flight, opposing attackers hear the chainsaw, look over their shoulders, and realize they have approximately 0.3 seconds to make a decision. Sometimes he catches you. Sometimes he catches absolutely everything.
Jonathan Tah — Pinhead (Hellraiser)
You thought you were entering a football match. Congratulations, you’ve entered another dimension of suffering. Tah is big, imposing, and not particularly interested in making life comfortable for opposing forwards. Welcome to the pain box.
Joshua Kimmich — Jigsaw (Saw)
He doesn’t necessarily need to tackle you. He’ll simply give you a tactical puzzle with 14 possible solutions, none of which you can figure out before he steals the ball. The game is simple: survive 90 minutes against Kimmich’s pressing traps. Most participants fail.
Luis Díaz — Chucky (Child’s Play)
Terrifying, relentless, and absolutely capable of ruining your afternoon. You think you’ve dealt with him, only to discover he’s somehow back, running at you again. And again. And again. There is no escaping the little menace.
Konrad Laimer — The Predator (Predator)
He has identified his target, locked on, and will chase it to the ends of the earth. You can hide behind a teammate, run into another part of the pitch, or attempt to disguise yourself as a footballer. Laimer will find you. His energy levels are frankly unnatural.
Serge Gnabry — Reverend Lester Lowe aka The Werewolf (Silver Bullet)
You never quite know which version you’re going to get. Sometimes he’s lurking in the shadows. Sometimes he transforms into an absolute goal-scoring monster. When the full moon comes out, defenders should probably stay indoors.
Tom Bischof — The Terminator (The Terminator)
He’ll defend, he’ll attack, he’ll play wherever he’s needed, and he’ll keep coming back. You think you’ve found a weakness? He’ll adapt. You think you’ve escaped? He’ll be back. His versatility is almost machine-like.
Lennart Karl — The Leprechaun (Leprechaun)
Don’t let the baby face fool you. He’s mischievous and absolutely loves causing trouble. Defenders think they’re dealing with an inexperienced teenager until Karl starts making them look silly. He’s after more than gold — he’s after your clean sheet.
Vincent Kompany — Count Dracula (Dracula)
The master of the castle. He sits in his dugout, watches his opponents wander into his carefully constructed traps, and occasionally sends his minions out to drain the life out of them. Unlike Dracula, Kompany doesn’t need to wait until nighttime to strike.
Opponents arrive at the Allianz Arena full of confidence, optimism, and dreams of a memorable result. Ninety minutes later, they’re looking for the nearest exit, wondering what on earth just happened.
Happy Halloween, Bundesliga. Sleep tight.
Songs of the Week: A Spooky Mix of Halloween Songs
Given that this is our Halloween edition, let’s celebrate the day with this spooky mix of songs:
“Thriller” by Michael Jackson
We are separating the artist from the art here…
“Werewolves of London” by Warren Zevon
“He’s Back (The Man Behind The Mask)” by Alice Cooper
“Don’t Fear the Reaper” by Blue Oyster Cult
“Psycho Killer” by Talking Heads
“Living Dead Girl” by Rob Zombie
“Somebody’s Watching Me” by Rockwell
“Halloween” by The Misfits
“Monster Mash” by Bobby “Boris” Pickett
“Season of the Witch” by Donovan
“Bad Things” by Jace Everett
“Dragula” by Rob Zombie
“Every Day is Halloween” by Ministry
“Devil Inside” by INXS
“Red Right Hand” by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
“Freaks Come Out at Night” by Whodini
“Stranger Things” (main theme) by Kyle Dixon
“I Was A Teenage Werewolf” by The Cramps
“Ghostbusters” by Ray Parker, Jr.
“Halloween” (main theme) by John Carpenter
“Pet Sematary” by Ramones
“Spooky” by Dusty Springfield
“Dead Man’s Party” by Oingo Boingo
“Nemesis” by Shriekback
Are there any you wish we included? Drop them in the comments below…
Halloween Candy List — The Dirty Dozen…Embrace Debate!
We are running this back.
Speaking of Halloween, it represents a season where I usually get to sneak some candy from whatever haul my kid’s get. Let’s take a look at the Top 12 items I hope to see:
- Reese’s Take 5: A (relatively) new-age star, this candy combines the best of a few key ingredients — milk chocolate, peanut butter, pretzels, and caramel. A Hall of Famer from the jump that was rebranded to be a part of the Reese’s family of candies a few years ago.
- Whatchamacallit: An underdog and underplayed delight… if I see one of these in the bag, I stake a quick claim! If you want a sneaky great bar that is also off-the-radar, check out the bastard son of the Whatchamacallit: the Whozeewhatzit (also made by Hershey). It’s also really, really good.
- Reese’s Cups: A classic that would be a No. 1 seed for many folks.
- Reese’s Pieces: It wasn’t just E.T. who liked these!
- Snickers: Another Hall of Fame bar. The taste never gets old.
- Peanut Butter M&M’s: An improved version of the original M&M (which just lacks that extra kick).
- Peanut M&M’s: Similar to its peanut butter brethren, it’s an upgrade over regular M&Ms.
- Reese’s Sticks: Yup, another entry from the Reese’s family of candy. You won’t be disappointed if you try this one.
- 100 Grand: You don’t see this one that often anymore, but it is terrific.
- Milky Way: Another bar that has stood the test of time.
- Rolo: Simple…chocolate + caramel = good times.
- Almond Joy / Mounds: You either are a staunch hater of these, or you are like me — a big fan. Go ahead…bring your hate.
What’s your go-to Halloween candy?
Predictions
Neither team enters this match at 100%, but both are determined and hungry to walk out of the Allianz Arena in sole possession of first place in the Bundesliga.
Right now, the two squads are tied atop the table, but the Bavarians hold the edge on goal differential. This should be a battle, but it feels like one of those games where Bayern Munich’s tandem of Michael Olise and Harry Kane are going to be a little too much for BVB to handle.
It will not be a cakewalk for Bayern Munich, but it will be a match where Bayern Munich’s top-end attackers rule the day.
Prediction: Bayern München 3-1 Borussia Dortmund
Other Bundesliga predictions include:
- SV Elversberg 2-2 Mainz
- Bayer Leverkusen 2-2 VfB Stuttgart
- FC Augsburg 2-2 SC Freiburg
- Borussia Mönchengladbach 1-0 SC Paderborn
- Werder Bremen 2-3 TSG Hoffenheim
- FC Schalke 04 0-3 RB Leipzig
- Union Berlin 1-1 1. FC Köln
- Eintracht Frankfurt 2-1 Hamburger SV
Prediction Records
- Total: 285-170
- Perfect Picks: 37
- Bundesliga Last Matchday: 4-5
- Bundesliga Overall: 29-34
- DFB-Pokal: 40-8
- World Cup: 71-28
- International Friendlies: 50-30
- UEFA Nations League: 58-46
- Champions League: 31-23
- Club Friendlies: 5-1
- Franz Beckenbauer Supercup: 1-0
