LSU is about to play Arkansas in a wretched dayball game. If you have wondered why you’ve seen less Playing Dirty this year, I must apologize. It’s hard to do them when LSU is coming off a loss, and unfortunately
we’ve had quite a few of them in a row.
However, our opponent this week is down in the mud with us. We are both trash, so we cannot pass up the chance to catch up with our Arkansas friends, especially when that friend os the wonderful Tucker Partridge. Before we watch one of the most juiceless home SEC finales in recent LSU history, enjoy this Q&A that may touch on the last time LSU and Arkansas met in another sport.
1. [T-MINUS 4 QUESTIONS UNTIL EVAN BRINGS UP BASEBALL] Look, our rivalry has never been known for its stability, but TWO interim coaches? We’ve really outdone ourselves this time. I hate to say this out loud but… it’s giving Egg Bowl. Are we just a Premium Egg Bowl now?
I really hate to break it to you Evan, but the Egg Bowl this year is probably going to feature a playoff team. We aren’t a Premium Egg Bowl. We are a Great Value Egg Bowl at best, and I think that’s probably appropriate given the giant Walmart spark that pollutes our field now. Come to think of it, we don’t have a stadium name sponsor at the moment, so Great Value Razorback Stadium may be my ultimate pitch– unless Tyson Dino Nugget Razorback Stadium is already agreed upon.
2. [T-MINUS 3 QUESTIONS UNTIL EVAN BRINGS UP BASEBALL] Do you think the 2- going on 3-week YouTube TV/Disney blackout is a long con to prevent the general public from being exposed to the Arkansas-LSU game since it is set to air during daylight hours? The LSU offense and Arkansas defense on their own warrant TV-MA ratings, but both of them on the field together is too dangerous for children to potentially see, right? I know Disney is a greedy company, but they do have a family-friendly brand to protect after all.
I’m working on an email to Disney right now actually in light of the agreement that’s been reached. Would you mind proofreading it?
Mr. Mouse,
I write you with urgency and peril. As your company has recently reached a deal with YouTube TV to return Disney channels to broadcast, I must warn you: THE ARKANSAS AND LSU FOOTBALL GAME IS ABOUT TO BE TELEVISED. If you are indeed a family friendly Mouse who is dedicated to fulfilling dreams, you will tank the deal. Tank the deal, Mickey. Please tank the deal.
People are struggling to make ends meet. Rumors of a recession are swirling, and it kind of feels like we’re in one anyway. For the good of the morale of the nation, I am begging you Mickey, please, do not subject the good people of this nation to Arkansas and LSU playing each other on television.
Best,
Tucker
3. [T-MINUS 2 QUESTIONS UNTIL EVAN BRINGS UP BASEBALL] Let’s take a moment to celebrate that in the great SEC Scheduling Reshuffling, we are confirmed to be remaining together in the future! And no offense to Missouri, but I’m pretty sure we will be kicking them out and retaking our place as your Rivalry Week matchup starting in 2026. To celebrate our potential return to Black Friday weekend, do you know of any good discounts on head coaches? We, uh… kind of have a weird money thing going on.
First of all, I’m glad to have y’all back on Black Friday. The Battle Line Rivalry Presented by Shelter Insurance has nothing on the Great Value Battle for the Boot.
As an aside, I’ve actually really enjoyed being a third party witness to your coaching search. The fact that the governor of Louisiana has intervened in the process was shocking, and also introduced me to Jeff Landry for the first time. Jeff Landry, who looks like if Pee Wee Herman had strong beliefs about the proper girth of andouille, and sounds like if Foghorn Leghorn had the politics of Huey P. Long, essentially firing the AD was some old school college football stuff. People keep saying the game has changed too much, but that’s classic college football. The game is back.
4. [T-MINUS 1 QUESTION UNTIL EVAN BRINGS UP BASEBALL] Having an interim coach is one thing… but y’all having THAT GUY as your interim coach? That’s genuinely terrifying. I’ll admit when he first got the interim gig it didn’t feel right that Bobby Petrino was NOT the most unlikable coach in the SEC. But fast-forward a month and now Hugh Freeze and Brian Kelly are gone, likely handing the crown (or a bedazzled neck brace) back to Bobby! Now that he has reestablished himself as King of the Assholes, will he remember how to win football games again?
I’ve tried to use this football season to focus on self-improvement. I can’t control Arkansas stupidly rehiring an old flame that was never going to work at the cost of all moral and logical high ground. I can control adding daily walks to my routine, quitting nicotine (3 weeks clean now!), losing some weight, and upping my water intake. Sure, we hired the King of the Assholes, and he may never remember to win a football game again, but I don’t get my personal value from Arkansas sports, and I’m really doing better than ever, Evan. It’s been good, despite the bad season.
5. [BASEBALL QUESTION IMMINENT] Normally we only chat once a year when the Battle for the Big Ass Block of Gold rolls around, but we made a special exception earlier this year, chatting in June prior to LSU and Arkansas meeting in the opening round of the 2025 College World Series. I’m gonna be honest, I’m having a tough time even thinking of a funny way to crack jokes about that. Your Golden Spikes-winning shortstop bypassed a game-ending double play to force a meaningless out at third, only for LSU to score three game-winning runs on two balls that could have very easily landed in gloves. An Arkansas team that entered Omaha as the overwhelming favorites to win their first championship instead choked a game away to their arch rivals, who proceeded to win their eighth championship. You see the dilemma I’m in? It’s too sad! I can’t figure out how to make a joke about that without being an asshole. Does it bring you any kind of relief that I’m unable to troll you because your team’s failure registered on a level so catastrophic that any good-natured ribbing inevitably becomes sadistic?
Does anybody have a cigarette?
