Life comes at you fast. Less than two months ago, Penn State entered the season ranked second in the country. Now the Nittany Lions have lost three straight games and are paying James Franklin nearly $50
million to go away. With Iowa, Ohio State, and Indiana coming up for Penn State, it’s possible the Nittany Lions might be sitting at 3-6 in mid-November. With Penn State out of the mix in the Big Ten and for the College Football Playoff, we can focus on who might be the next head coach for the Nittany Lions. While there will be many serious conversations about who could be up next to lead the football program in State College, this isn’t the place to look at realistic candidates! Today, we want to try and manifest some hilarious coaching options into reality for Penn State. Maybe it’s a former player who is looking to return to restore some glory in Happy Valley. Or maybe there is a current member of the coaching staff whom the higher-ups elevate since they can’t spend too much money because of all the cash they are paying Franklin to stay at home. Then there are plenty of out-of-the-box options, which could be hilarious since they would infuriate Nittany Nation.
Today’s question: Who would be the funniest hire as Penn State’s next head coach?
We’d love to hear your choices. Either respond to us on Twitter at @Landgrant33 or leave your choice in the comments.
Brett’s answer: Urban Meyer
I can’t stand Penn State. In fact, the whole state of Pennsylvania disgusts me. When it comes to the next hire for the Nittany Lions, I hope it’s someone who sets the program back even further. It’s obvious Penn State doesn’t want to be in the Big Ten, since they feel like they are “unrivaled”. I’d be fine with Penn State going to the ACC just so they can realize how good they had it in the Big Ten.
In no way do I think Urban Meyer is leaving Big Noon Kickoff to return to the sidelines, which is why I always chuckle when I hear Meyer’s name associated with open head coaching jobs in college football. These days, Meyer can do a few hours of television each week and make bank. With his kids and grandkids growing, Meyer has way more time to spend at home with his loved ones now.
Just look at how miserable Bill Belichick is at North Carolina right now. The legendary NFL head coach thought he could move to college football and immediately be a top coach. Meyer is definitely more familiar with college football than Belichick is, but I just think how things operate around the sport has passed Meyer by.
After a couple of years off, Meyer thought he could go to the NFL and turn the Jaguars into a team that ran for 250 yards and passed for another 250 yards in games. Instead, Meyer struggled to win a game before he was canned less than a year into his time in Jacksonville. It’s hard to imagine Meyer becoming more in touch with the demands that come with coaching football after a few more years on the television circuit.
The fact is, college football has changed so much since he last coached at Ohio State. NIL, the transfer portal, conference expansion, and an expanded College Football Playoff. Even during his time at Ohio State, it was obvious Meyer didn’t deal well with change, so that’s why I think Penn State hiring him would end in failure. At least there aren’t any businesses with Meyer’s name on them in State College that he would get into any shenanigans at.
As much as Ryan Day would show respect to Meyer if the two ever squared off as coaches, I would also love to see how the coaches measured up in a head-to-head scenario. It likely would end with the student stuffing the teacher in a locker, and those around Buckeye Nation who soured on Meyer during his last year at Ohio State would greatly enjoy another victory over Penn State.
Matt’s answer: Paul Finebaum
While everybody knows that Michigan is Ohio State’s chief rival, in my mind, the Penn State Nittany Lions occupy the No. 2 slot on that list, with no one anywhere close in the rearview mirror. If the PSU football program is going to get to where the fans and administration want it to be, it will need to find a way to overcome the conference’s eternal behemoth, the Ohio State Buckeyes.
The Nits need a leader who not only understands the importance of that rivalry but feels it deep in his bones. Sure, a Penn State alum like Matt Rhule would probably fit the bill, but he’s a professional, he will pay the Buckeyes their due respect, and that’s not going to win any big games or Big Ten titles.
What Penn State needs instead is someone willing to say outlandish things in order to get his team motivated enough to go out and pull off the unthinkable. And with the exceptions of Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayless, there is no one in the great sports universe more accomplished at spouting off bullshit than one Paul Finebaum.
Last week, Pawwwwwwwwwwwwl made headlines calling Ohio State fans “obnoxious, disgusting, and despicable,” and while I resemble that remark, it is pretty clear that Finebaum is stinging from the fact that his beloved meal ticket SEC is no longer the center of the college football world. So, like a perennial loser, he is lashing out at the big dog on the block in hopes of riding its coattails back to relevancy. If that’s not exactly what the next PSU coach needs to do, what is?
Now, you might be saying, “Matt, Finebaum has made a very good living leeching off of Southern football fans’ passions and being a blowhard with little to no insight into the topics he discusses, so why would he want to give that up to take on a position that he has even fewer qualifications to occupy?
Well, if you did ask that incredibly insightful and well-phrased question, I would respond thusly, “We already know that Finebaum is looking to find his media career exit, as he has stated that he is considering a run for the United States Senate, so it’s clear he’s open to a move north to take on a job that he is grossly ill-prepared to handle.”
Since we know that Finebaum is interested in a position that he has no business being considered for, to succeed an embarrassed football coach who was pretty bad at his job, and that would inevitably lead to millions of people despising him even more than they already do, why not take the one that comes with a $50 million buy-out?
Whether Finebaum becomes the junior senator from Alabama or the new head coach of the Penn State Nittany Lions, there is little doubt that he is going to make a majority of his constituents very angry when they realize that, without a bunch of Tide and War Eagle fans lighting up his phone lines, he doesn’t have a whole lot going on for him.
