In my glorious middle school prime, the be-all and end-all of t-shirt-based playground bravado was centered around the output of the No Fear T-Shirt Corporation. On the mean streets boulevards of Pleasant Hill, California, I learned valuable life lessons from reading my classmates’ aggressive clothing. I learned that if you died with the most toys, you still died. I learned that if you can’t win, don’t play. And I learned that second place is the first loser.
In the end, the San Francisco Giants and
Los Angeles Dodgers were both losers. The Giants, because they lost 97 games, traded 25% of their team at the deadline, embarrassed themselves on the field with errors and homophobia, and employed the Jim Tomsula of major league managers. The Dodgers because they paid $616 million dollars to be the first loser. Actually, they’re tied for the second loser!
The Los Angeles Dodgers were swept in the National League Championship Series, something that has never happened to the San Francisco Giants. They’ve been swept in the World Series, in 1989. They’ve been swept in the Division Series, by the Marlins in 1997. But they’ve never suffered the ultimate in baseball humiliation: An NLCS sweep.
The Milwaukee Brewers were so confident in Game 4 that they spotted the Dodgers four runs, with Dustin May intentionally serving up a gopher ball to a hobbled Shohei Ohtani for a three-run home run.
Aww, he punched with both fists!
It’s not clear whether May’s pitch was a mistake, a selfless gift like you’d grant to a Make-A-Wish child, or a cruel gambit designed to make the Dodgers and their fans enjoy a few innings of false hope before the Brewers destroyed their dreams. Nevertheless, Ohtani celebrated, Chavez Ravine went wild, and the Dodgers did not score another run, finishing the series with just 11 runs in four games.
For the record, Ohtani, Mookie Betts, Kyle Tucker, and Freddie Freeman made $160M combined this season, though I believe through deferrals and delayed signing bonuses it somehow counts for Negative-Eleventy Million for competitive balance tax purposes.
The Brewers climbed back in the game by hitting back-to-back ground-rule doubles off Tyler Glasnow ($95M through 2028), which bounced off LA’s child-sized fences in both left and right field. Some say the correct term is “automatic double” and you will pry the laptop out of my cold, dead hands before I ever type that.
Then they came the rest of the way back by stealing bases, drawing walks, and generally remaining unintimidated by the team who swept them last year. It could also be the facial hair. Milwaukee hadn’t been to the World Series since 1982 and more than one Brewer has a mustache that would fit in just fine in the early 80’s.
The Dodgers’ two biggest free-agent splashes of the offseason were Tucker (four years, $240M) and reliever Edwin Diaz (three years, $69M [nice]), who actually played great against the Brewers after having wildly disappointing regular seasons. This winter, they’re hoping to bring back trade deadline acquisition Tarik Skubal, and then fill out their pitching staff with Robbie Ray, Michael King, and Kevin Gausman, while adding Seiya Suzuki for their outfield. Hell, why not let him try to pitch, too?
The early exit does give Ohtani a chance to spread his wings even further, and take over as the placekicker for the Los Angeles Rams. Catcher Will Smith plans to patch things up with Chris Rock now that he has some time off and Max Muncy plans to squint at a lot of things and then yell at them. And ownership plans to bulldoze the Hall of fame in Cooperstown and build a giant data center on the land.
Given his recent legal troubles and his sale of the Los Angeles Lakers, Dodgers owner Mark Walter may be facing financial uncertainty. So much that he’s reportedly considering selling his interest in his private prison corporation, or Palantir.
The Dodgers are going on vacation. Because they got swept. Say hi to JT Brubaker in Cancun, Max!
Notes from Game 4
- The Brewers’ hitting coach is Daniel Vogelbach, a 33-year-old who made the All-Star team as a DH in 2019. Vogelbach was listed at six feet tall and 270 pounds, Perhaps unsurprisingly, Vogelbach was not known for his foot speed or his defense. He played first about 30% of the time and the rest was all DH.
- It feels like teams often choose a hitting coach who is multi-skilled, with a wide range of reasons why they were professional baseball players. Vogelbach is a one-tool athlete. He managed to have a nine-year MLB career with the build of Chris Farley. OF COURSE he knows how to hit!
- The moment I knew the Dodgers were truly in trouble was just after they’d walked in the tying run in the 5th inning. FS1 went to a crowd shot, and landed on actor Chris Klein, from “American Pie” and “Rollerball.” That was the best celebrity fan they could zoom in on? Was Jason Bateman busy recording a podcast or something? You know the series had gotten hopeless because even Kevin Hart wouldn’t show up for guaranteed camera time.
- There was a Tanner Scott-Garrett Mitchell matchup in the 6th inning where both players would have better names if the first and last were reversed. Anyway, Mitchell crushed a home run to give the Brewers an insurmountable lead.
- Related: “Cooper Pratt” is a wildly unlikeable name.
- Not only did the Brewers end our national nightmare by sweeping the boys in blue, they limited the number of times baseball fans had to listen to John Smoltz talk. We only have to hear him seven more times, max, thanks to Milwaukee.
- If you happen to be watching the baseball playoffs with your five-year-old nephew, angrily shouting “Kyle Tucker!” is a great way to feel like you’re swearing without corrupting a minor.
- The biggest loser is Pat Riley, who registered the trademark for “Three-Peat” back in 1989. His Lakers let him down by losing to the Detroit Pistons in their attempt to win three straight titles, as did his own Miami Heat by losing to the San Antonio Spurs in 2014. That’s the real reason Riley has a bad relationship with LeBron James now. Since the Lakers in 2002, none of the Big Four sports teams have three-peated, with this year’s Dodgers being perhaps the biggest threat in two decades. Riley also owns the rights to “Four-Ward,” which hasn’t yet come up.
- Byron Scott invented the term and then Riley trademarked it. Maybe that’s why Riles bailed after 1990 — he was worried Scott was coming after his royalties.
