I’ve been planning this one for a while. When I decided to take a break from the player ratings pieces late last season, it was for a couple of reasons — first, Spurs were horri-bad and nobody really wanted to read them, second, it gets physically and emotionally draining explaining exactly why Spurs suck after every match, and third, they frequently take me a long time to visualize, write, and put together. So taking a break both spared y’all from reading more doom-inducing #content and gave me a chance
to rejuvenate after 12 years of writing these damn pieces. I’ll never forgive Kim for starting this series.
But I had this theme penciled in since the summer when word emerged that the Lewis Kids were planning to sell a bunch of paintings at Sotheby’s this summer. For YEARS, “Sell a painting, Joe” had been the rallying cry as we seemingly under-spent in the transfer market, pre-stadium. And now… well, it wasn’t Joe, but the Lewis family actually sold paintings. They were adamant that the sale had nothing to do with Tottenham Hotspur Football Club, which is hilarious since money is fungible.
So the sale itself was interesting. But more interesting were what was actually sold! I bopped over to the Sotheby’s website and had a peek at what was being put up for sale, and then tried to track the sale afterwards as much as possible. I couldn’t find the sale price for every piece of art sold, but I got enough. And while I’m not an total art nerd like I am with music, I do appreciate art quite a bit so taking a deeper dive into a subject matter was a fun and interesting project.
I wish we had a better match in which to rate players — Saturday’s loss to Brentford was awful, even if I’ve come around to the context of it all and the need for more patience. But at least we have this.
Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings for the 3-0 loss at Brentford, to the theme of Masterpieces from the Lewis Family Art Sale.
5 stars: Amedeo Modigliani, Nu assis au collier
The crown jewel of the Lewis family art sale, “Nu assis au collier” sold for a staggering £48.2m, a European record for an artistic painting, at the Sotheby’s auction, and you can understand why. Modigliani was a graduate of the École de Paris and painted in a modern style that was contemporary to the likes of Picasso and Brancusi. You can see that he was at least moderately influenced by the avant garde and there are echoes of Picasso’s stylistic influences in “Nu assis,” but it’s very much a work of the time. Mogidliani apparently used this particular model for three different seated nude paintings, but this one is the exemplar. It’s a sensual piece, with warm, earthy colors and a demureness to it that I find somewhat striking. Yes, it’s a nude and you don’t usually see that at Cartilage Free Captain, but we’re all adults here. What’s crazy is that despite this setting a European record for an auctioned painting, it still only paid for less than half of Sandro Tonali.
There are no Tottenham Hotspur players in this category. Are you kidding? Spurs fans may be nude and red over that performance, but this particular nude is too good for any of the individuals playing on Saturday.
4 stars: Gustav Klimt, Bildnis Gertrud Loew
I’m hardly an expert when it comes to art, but Gustav Klimt is my favorite art nouveau painter and a recognizable name in the art world. This staggering full length portrait of a German socialite and daughter of a sanitarium owner that Klimt once stayed at in the years just prior to World War 2, is one of the finest examples of Klimt’s work; the painting is longer than what you see here, but the full image would break the formatting on this article, so you get a crop instead. Klimt was very adept at painting figures, and “Bildnis Gertrud Loew” is a beautiful example of his ethos — the colors are muted but make Loew’s face stand out. Her dress blends into the background, but the blue accents pop incredibly. The brush strokes are incredibly delicate, almost gossamer. This was the third most expensive Lewis Family painting to sell at auction, fetching £29.3m, or about 70% of a Jan Paul van Hecke.
Really? You expected someone to be in this category? After that dross? Be serious, there’s nobody here.
3.5 stars: René Magritte, La Belle Promenade
I gotta say, I’m a sucker for René Magritte’s art. I’m a modern art fan in general, but there’s something about the avant garde-ness and the whimsy of a Magritte that just speaks to me. The profile of the man with the bowler hat shows up in a number of Magritte’s works, and this one, from 1965, is said to represent himself, or at least an aspect of himself. So in a sense this is a self-portrait. The juxtaposition of the earthiness of the green background and the stone wall with the blue sky and clouds behind the man is vintage Magritte, and there’s a sense of the Charlie Chaplin about this particular piece with the stylized hat and the grey sphere in the foreground. This piece wasn’t one of the most expensive paintings sold at Sotheby’s, but it did command north of £16m, about four times its pre-auction estimate. If we’re lucky, we can get Will Lankshear back next summer for the price of one “La Belle.”
Mateus Fernandes (Community — 3.0) — Fernandes was not perfect by any stretch, but boy howdy you sure could see his talent and potential the moment he came on at halftime. Spurs’ midfield immediately went form a sieve to something more approximating an actual midfield. He didn’t look as mobile as he will but he was tidy with the ball. I think he’s going to be a must-start in RDZ’s tactics.
3 stars: Marc Chagall, Les Amoureux de Vence
If you ever make it to the Art Institute of Chicago, make a beeline to the Chagall Windows, an incredible display of Chagall’s artwork in glass — it’s a symphony of blue backlit loveliness. Chagall’s brightly colored impressionism is incredibly approachable. For years I thought Chagall was French, but he was actually from Belarus, though his art is obviously influenced by a period spent in France absorbing the works of Monet, Renoir, and Degas. This is more than a 3-star painting, but sometimes you have to bend the material to the structure of the frame.
Mathys Tel (Community — 2.5): Mathys has looked good in preseason and while he didn’t exactly emulate those performances he did have moments where he looked bright. He was tidy in possession, wasn’t afraid to take on his man, and put in a couple of decent crosses. I’m hopeful that he’ll make the leap this season.
Mikey Moore (Community — 2.0): Mikey made his first Premier League start and it took a little while for him to find his feet. He had three good looks at goal and while his finishing was off for two of them (the third was just a great save) what impressed me was his ability to get into those positions to score. I think he’ll be better off in Cologne on loan, but I thought, compared to his teammates, he was mostly fine.
Antonin Kinsky (Community — 2.5): Again, not a perfect performance. Kinsky had a couple of good saves, but was partially culpable for Brentford’s second goal by parrying the ball to Janelt for the rebound effort rather than pushing it away or just catching it. His distribution continues to be good and he was hung out to dry a couple of times by his defense.
2.5 stars: Francis Bacon, Two Studies for Self-Portrait
I’m in a bunch of Spurs chat rooms right now including a couple of Discords, and when news of this sale came out Francis Bacon became sort of the placeholder for the Lewis family sale. When discussing a player transfer, we’d invariably joke about “how many Francis Bacons” that would cost; when Spurs bought Tonali, we suggested the Lewis kids could just “sell another Bacon” to make ends meet. That said, I gotta say this Bacon diptych just doesn’t resonate much with me. Something about the modernist vision, or the broad brush strokes, kind of gives me the creeps. Or maybe it just reminds me of the character of Walter from the comic “The Nice House on the Lake” (IYKYK). I can appreciate it for what it is, but I don’t think I’d end up with this on my wall at home (for a variety of reasons, not least of which it was appraised at about £12m before auction, and SB Nation doesn’t pay me that kind of cheddar).
Jan Paul van Hecke (Community — 2.0): Slow, ponderous at times, and rather poor in the air. Was second best on most of his duels and he doesn’t (yet) have the chemistry with Senesi required to be a good defensive pairing. That said, you could sorta see why De Zerbi was so keen on signing him.
Marcos Senesi (Community — 2.0): Similar to Van Hecke in his ponderousness on the ball, and frequently resorted to grappling with opponents when beaten. It’s one game but I’m not sure he’s a good match with JPVH against high pressing and physical sides.
Andy Robertson (Community — 2.5): Had a couple of nice crosses from the flank to Mikey at the back post, but spent a lot more time defending and when you are relying on Robbo to defend you’ve got some issues. Got beat on a number of occasions by Brentford’s attackers.
Rodrigo Bentancur (Community — 2.5): Stiffened up the midfield in the second half but gave away a stupid penalty that Igor Thiago (thankfully) missed. If we need Bentacur this badly in order to stabilize midfield, then we have a bigger problem than we thought.
Roberto De Zerbi (Community — 1.5): Honestly, I don’t know how much I blame RDZ for this one. On the one hand it’s his team, he picked the players, and they were obviously not ready. On the other hand, this team had a LOT of missing pieces in it and you could squint and kinda make out the way he wants them to play, even if they didn’t at all play that way. I can’t justify anything more than 2.5 stars, but I think anything less than this feels slightly churlish to me.
2 stars: Kazemir Malevich, Head of a Peasant
Kazemir Malevich was a Russian abstract painter who was also connected to the Ukrainian avant-garde school. He moved through a number of schools early in his career, incorporating elements of cubism, expressionism, impressionism, and Symbolism into his work, though he reverted to a more traditional style under the Stalin regime and due to Russian censors. He has a number of paintings with this same title, with other skewing more towards a cubist format that’s nonetheless recognizably Russian in appearance. This particular painting comes from early in his career — a rare example of Primitivism painted in gouache. I actually quite like this painting — there aren’t very many bad artworks in the Lewis collection — but SOMETHING has to go at the 2 star rating, so sorry Kazemir, you drew the short straw.
Archie Gray (Community — 2.0): It’s not his fault, really. He’s not a right back! And him being named Tottenham’s youngest ever Premier League captain was a nice feather in his cap. But he got smoked by Lewis-Potter and was not in sync with his teammates. He’s improving slowly and is so young but he needs to show more in the chances he gets.
Sandro Tonali (Community — 2.0): Maybe he’s unfit. Maybe he hasn’t internalized the tactics. Maybe he needs to play beside someone like Fernandes and a more creative midfield option. But if that’s the kind of performance we’re getting from a £100m Sandro Tonali, we got fleeced.
James Maddison (Community — 2.0): Honestly, he looked like a guy who hasn’t played competitive football for more than a year. Hardly his fault, but he wasn’t good.
1.5 stars: Frank Auerbach, J.Y.M. Seated
There’s expressionism and then there’s THIS. A portrait, apparently, of Juliet Yardley Mills, a subject of Auerbach’s for nearly 50 years, “J.Y.M. Seated” is certainly bold. The brush strokes are brash, the colors are muddy, and the subject is barely recognizable, but that’s art. It’s a painting that no doubt rewards the viewer after an extended session of observing it, but I’m not sure I could look that long. I can appreciate its artistry, but this one is not for me.
Lucas Bergvall (Community — 1.0): At least partially (if not mostly) culpable for two of Brentford’s goal, he was a headless chicken in midfield alongside Tonali and one of the two worst performers on the pitch along with Conor Gallagher (see below).
Conor Gallagher (Community — 1.5): If we’re going to play Conor Gallagher (and I’m increasingly of the opinion that we should just… not), it cannot be at the 10 where he offers almost negative creativity. Park him deeper in midfield and let him use his motor to run around and break up play. He was awful on Saturday.
Richarlison (Community — 1.5): I mean, it’s not like he was getting regular service (which he requires) and he did a lot more holding up the ball (which he’s not especially good at) but this was not a good Pombo performance. He looked lost, especially when called to defend, and barely mustered any offense.
Dominic Solanke (Community — 2.0): Did he even touch the ball? Was he out there? Does he exist or was he a figment of our collective imagination?
1 star: Pablo Picasso, Portrait d’Angel Fernández de Soto
When I think of Pablo Picasso, I have a certain image in my mind. Cubism, obviously. Modern portraits or still-lifes but modified and broken down into component shapes, still recognizable but in that distinctive style that made Picasso one of the most lauded artists of the 20th century. What I do NOT think of is him painting… just some guy in a suit, depicted in a regular, understated art style. I was promised something here, Pablo and you are NOT delivering. I don’t care if this is an early work, you’ve set the standard and I won’t stand for this “regular painting” bullshit. I don’t care if it’s worth £2m, that’s less than half a Manor Solomon, GTFO.
No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as Picasso’s Portrait d’Angel Fernández de Soto.
Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating
Destiny Udogie
