It’s that time of year again, when the dog days and heat of summer begin to make way to crisper, cooler temperatures, the leaves begin to change color, and the historical warming spices come out from their long hibernation and emerge back into the sunlight.
Yes, that’s right — it’s officially Pumpkin Spice Latte Season.
We’ll get to pumpkin spice below, but it got me thinking about lattes. If there’s a coffee drink for people who don’t really like coffee, it’s probably the latte. And don’t get me wrong,
a good latte is a beautiful thing, and worth seeking out. However, most people when they order a latte get it flavored and by flavored I mean sweetened into drinkable coffee candy by overly-sweet flavored syrups.
Not that this is necessarily a bad thing! I’ve been known to have a flavored latte once in a blue moon. So despite the terrible Tottenham Hotspur result (after a much improved overall performance), let’s rate the players to latte flavors. You know, for science.
Here are your player ratings to the theme of latte flavors.
5 stars: None
Honestly, the older I get the more and more I’m convinced that people who order their grande iced latte two pumps sugar free irish cream two pumps caramel light on matcha foam lattes… don’t really like coffee. They like sugary syrups. Want a latte? Get a fucking latte — espresso, steamed/frothed milk, full stop.
See what I did there? I put “none” in the category because there are “none” players that were this good in Tottenham’s squad.
4.5 stars: Caramel
Caramel is basically just burned sugar, and honestly burned sugar is pretty dang tasty. Caramel is sweet, but it melds very nicely with the roasty, dark coffee flavor, even diluted and mellowed by the addition of steamed milk. If you must add a flavor to your froux-froux Starbucks drink, make it caramel.
Sorry, Space Cadets. No Tottenham Hotspur players in this category either.
4 stars: Mocha
Coffee and chocolate are a time-tested pairing and always, always works. I don’t order lattes very often (I’m a light roast black coffee guy) but when I do it’s either vanilla or mocha (decaf), because sometimes you just want a coffee-chocolate bomb hit after a long day.
Mateus Fernandes (Community — 3.5): If there was one player who comported himself well in this match, it was Fernandes, who looks like he could be the key to Tottenham actually scoring a goal this season. Am I grading on a curve? Probably. But imma hold on to this feeling as long as I can, and that feeling is “hope.” He was good.
3.5 stars: Vanilla
If you MUST get a flavor with your latte, and honestly I’m not here to yuck people’s yum, flavors can actually hide a great deal of bad roasting sins, then vanilla should be one of your go-tos. It’s simple, works well with coffee, and delicious. If you can get real vanilla extract, use that and add a sugar packet if you desire — the syrups are just too saccharine and use artificial vanilla flavor which throws off the balance.
Pedro Porro (Community — 3.0): There was a fair amount of rust on the wheels, and it was strange seeing him line up at right wing, but he hustled back a lot to bail out Archie and still managed to get a few decent shots off.
3 stars: Pumpkin Spice
Oh, you were expecting me to shit all over pumpkin spice lattes? THE flavor profile of fall? Sorry to disappoint you. Yes, I’m annoyed by the MARKETING of PSLs and everything else pumpkin spice (it’s super obnoxious) but it’s popular for a reason — the warming spice combo of cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, and cloves is actually really delicious and go well with coffee, not just pumpkin. Go get your PSL, live your truth, tune out the haters. (I actually think adding artificial pumpkin flavor throws off the balance and natural flavors are always better than artificial flavors so use whole spices and not syrups.)
Omar Marmoush (Community — 3.0): As far as debuts go it wasn’t shabby. Didn’t score, but he held the ball up very well, was a willing presser, and did things we haven’t seen from a Spurs striker in a while. I think he’s going to be good, but it may take some time.
Jan Paul van Hecke (Community — 3.0): Can he defend as well as Cuti Romero? Nope. But my GOD can that guy pass the ball from deep. You can see exactly why De Zerbi wanted him and he’s going to unlock a lot of doors for us this season.
Micky van de Ven (Community — 3.0): Picked up an early yellow after a hospital ball from Tonali, but otherwise… he was fine?
Rodrigo Bentancur (Community — 3.0): Ran around a bunch and broke up play pretty competently, but had a couple of yikes moments in defense.
2.5 stars: Hazelnut
Look, hazelnut is fine, it just doesn’t stand out compared to everything above it on this list. Don’t @ me.
Antonin Kinsky (Community — 3.0): Didn’t have a ton to do honestly but had a few WHAT ARE YOU DOING rushes out and flapped at a few balls. Also failed to prevent the two balls from going in the net for goals.
Archie Gray (Community — 2.5): Yes, he’s not a right back but my boy got bailed out a TON by Pedro Porro tracking back defensively. Got absolutely smoked by Elanga on a number of occasions.
Andy Robertson (Community — 2.5): Decent going forward but a liability in defense.
Mohammed Kudus (Community — 2.5): I see six months away from professional football didn’t teach Kudus how to cross the ball.
Roberto De Zerbi (Community — 2.5): A weird lineup probably dictated by player injuries and absences, but while the performance was improved Spurs still can’t score or effectively play through midfield.
2 stars: Turmeric
Somehow this is a thing that exists, and I don’t understand it. Turmeric doesn’t go with coffee, but it DOES go with milk and tea — and that’s why things like golden milk exist. But pairing it with coffee? …No. Not even Kombucha Girl No, just… no.
Sandro Tonali (Community — 2.5): Whooooooooof. I’m not sure what it’ll take to unlock his best, but he was not on it Saturday and the £100m transfer fee is not helping his cause here.
Mathys Tel (Community — 2.0): I can see what Mathys is TRYING to do out there, but he just couldn’t execute any of it satisfactorily. A very frustrating match. Had one good shot saved.
Destiny Udogie (Community — 2.0): Had he started he might have done better overall than Robbo, but in his short cameo he failed to prevent Woltemade from crossing the ball for Toon’s second goal.
Mikey Moore (Community — 2.0): Way less effective going forward than vs. Brentford and didn’t link up well with Porro when he came on. Bad match, but good experience. Good luck in Cologne, Mikey!
Dom Solanke (Community — 2.0): Barely saw any of the ball, though by the time he came on Spurs were already 2-0 down.
1 star: Anything fruit
Coffee and fruit do not go together, and it doesn’t matter the fruit. Raspberry and coffee? Gross. Orange and coffee? Hell to the no. A slice of lemon in one’s coffee is a thing, and it’s not bad, but that’s not a latte, lemon lattes? Ewww. Don’t buy fruity coffee drinks, they all suck. Just admit you don’t like coffee and order a dragonfruit refresher like normal Generation Z people.
No Tottenham players were as bad as fruit and coffee lattes.
Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating
No players in this category today.
