With their longstanding Head of Recruitment heading for the Championship, rumours swirling about Lewis Hall bouncing back to Chelsea, and a Sandro Tonali exit looking a good bet, is it all going a bit Pete Tong for ‘the Visitors’ after we did the double over them, finished above them and get to use ‘their’ airport for European football next season, since they won’t be needing it?
“Glad the derby’s back- six easy points”, “Relegated by Christmas”, “Lowest points total in Premier League history” were
just some of the initial insults hurled at us from those up the road 12 months ago, as Sunderland regained our Premier League status. Gradually they morphed into “Easy start”, “Haven’t played anyone yet” and “Wait until AFCON hits them”.
Then their marquee signing, Nick Woltemade, became a Mackem at the Stadium of Light before Bryan Brobbey wrapped it up at Syd James Park. By the end of the season, we were 5 points and 5 places above the Noisy Neighbours, with European football to look forward to. Even as the summer approached, there was no respite on the Scotswood Road, as a dozen of our players headed for the World Cup while the ‘richest clurb in the world’ could only muster a measly seven.
Despite having Cristian Ronaldo cleaning the boots, Lionel Messi selling the pies and Pep Guardiola cutting the grass, all appears to be far from well on the banks of the Tyne.
The final whistle of the season was still ringing in Anthony Gordon’s ears, as he joined Kieran Trippier in a race for the exit door. The pasty-faced Scouser must already have had his bulk order of Factor 50 sun screen delivered by Amazon direct to Barcelona, so quickly did he depart. His transfer was greeted with the sort of apathy from supporters which had typified his performances in the second half of the season. Perhaps that wasn’t surprising, with the expectation that the sizeable transfer fee received was likely to be spunked away on another Yoane Wissa.
According to their deluded fanbase, Nick Pope was destined to displace the Geordie’s nemesis, our very own Jordan Pickford, as England’s Number 1. That pipe dream was punctured when the lanky Soham-born stopper failed to catch Thomas Tuchel’s eye (amongst many other things), and was omitted entirely from the national squad.
In a saga all too familiar to Sunderland fans, that led again to links with a keeper who did make the flight to the US, Manchester City’s James Trafford. For years, we were destined to sign the giant bald Czech striker, Jan Koller, who was allegedly sighted, annually, at the Seaham Hall Hotel. It was the transfer that never happened, and it appears that Trafford is likewise cursed to haunt the corridors of the Vermont for the next decade.
Newcastle’s legendary ability to ruin Shearer’s striking replacements by turning them into mediocre midfielders (see Joelinton) continued apace, as Nick Woltemade’s burgeoning career faded on Tyneside. The £69m tousle-headed hitman has failed to nail down a World Cup starting spot in the least convincing German team since the one beaten by Michael Caine, Pele and Sylvester Stallone in ‘Escape to Victory’. There are rumours of a move to Chelsea – if you were once coveted by Bayern Munich and are now being swapped for Liam Delap, things have gone badly wrong!
Someone at Adidas decided that the nickname ‘The Barcodes’ was a term of endearment, and set about designing a home kit around that theme. Surely the Geordie hierarchy should have strangled that concept at birth – but, no, the eye-wateringly horrific design was launched to a disapproving fanbase, already enraged that Eddie Howe was still in post.
Now Steve Nickson, the Mags Head of Recruitment for the last 15 years, thinks life in the Championship with West Ham will be preferable to enduring another season of misery with the Gallowgate faithful, as some of his acquisitions jostle for position in the Departure Lounge, (the Domestic one obviously). It is telling that a newly-relegated Championship club, in disarray, with a recently-departed owner facing all sorts of unsavoury allegations, looks a better bet than Tyneside.
So far, the attempts to spend the Anthony Gordon riches have proved frustrating. Osasuna’s Victor Munoz has been on the brink of signing for the past two weeks. The deal has been complicated by the insistence of his previous club, Real Madrid, on inserting a buyback clause of €500 and Jose Mourinho’s secret recipe for paella. If the Spaniard does eventually arrive, he will become the first Newcastle player without a neck since Craig Bellamy.
Transfer speculation hasn’t been limited to Woltemade, Hall and Tonali. Club captain Bruno Guimaraes is reportedly being lined up to replace his fellow Brazilian, Casemiro, at Manchester United. Tino Livramento is rumoured to be on Manchester City’s radar, and Harvey Barnes has been linked with Aston Villa.
The good news is that the sales of those players would dramatically improve ‘the Visitors’ SCR position. The downside is that they have no European football with which to tempt prospective replacements, and this regime’s record of splashing the cash is anything but impressive.
PIF have already backed away from other sporting investments – another poor season for the Tynesiders might be the final nail in the coffin for the Saudi ownership.
