Even setting this story up feels a little ridiculous, but hey — I’m not the WWE Hall of Famer, reality show star, and entrepreneur who told it on her podcast. Points for radical transparency, though. And for the discussion it prompted in the Cageside “offices”, which we’re obviously hoping will continue here.
Okay, that setup: Brie Bella is out action after after breaking her scapula (shoulder) at SummerSlam. It doesn’t require surgery, but will mean a lengthy period of treatment and rehabilitation.
That means she’s been at home with husband Bryan Danielson and their two kids, Birdie and Buddy. It also means she’s been taking painkillers during the early days of rehab, and that means she’s been constipated.
Not fun, but Brie wasn’t letting it stop her from living her life. That meant a dinner out with her husband, but some confusion with the waiter led to Bella getting a gluten-friendly meal rather than the gluten-free one she would usually get. A bathroom emergency followed… and spun out of control before the night was through.
Here’s Brie from the latest Nikki & Brie Show. Warning for the squeamish: sentences you probably don’t want to read start soon, and they don’t really stop for the rest of the story.
“I thought I was good. Was not good. Go home, I get severe crazy pain in my stomach and I knew it was coming… I haven’t used the restroom for eight days, if not maybe I’m at 10. My body went from zero to 1,000 on the toilet. What happens to me is I get really sick from both ends.
“I’m starting to feel like I’m about to pass out and I’m like, ‘BRYAN! BRYAN!’ He wasn’t coming and I’m like the fuck I’m about to die. I call him — thank God I had my phone — and am like, ‘I’m about to pass out.’
“I hear him run. Sure enough, I’m like, ‘Timberrrr,’ pants down, on the toilet. Bryan comes, I’m passed out. My nanny was there to help, thank goodness. Bryan screamed for her, so she comes in. Thank goodness she’s in nursing school, and I was definitely her first patient. She got a close look at what happens to the body. They carry me to my bed, and I’m completely out. Bryan calls 911. I had blacked out and am not responding. My kids are screaming. I was just taking a shit and this all goes down. The EMTs come in, and I’m kind of waking up a little bit. I’m incoherent, but I guess I mumble something.
”Long story short, I shit my pants. But I did not know it.
”I get put into a wheelchair and then a stretcher. Bryan is telling them, ‘She has a broken scapula, be careful with her.’ I guess I screamed out because of how they grabbed it. I get put into a wheelchair and then a stretcher… I’m in the ambulance, and Bryan can’t come with me. I was shivering so my whole body, I guess, was shaking and I was telling them ‘I’m freezing cold. I’m freezing cold.’ They turned the air conditioning off, they’re sweating. I kinda wake up, and I’m like, ‘Oh, it smells like shit.’ I looked at them and they look at me. ‘Did I shit my pants?’
“They go, ‘You did, but it’s okay.’
”And I go ‘I SHIT MY PANTS?!?!’ I’m getting emotional and I’m apologizing. I could feel it. That woke me right the F up.“
Paramedics and hospital stay assured his this was all normal, even though it was apparently a massive… anyway, back to Brie:
“I got a lot out, which made me pass out, because of how much came out of me.”
This didn’t go well for Bryan. That’s because despite the fact every shoot interview with a pro wrestler includes at least one story about someone crapping their pants, Danielson is “terrified of shit”:
“I’m sitting at the hospital and Bryan walks in. ‘I shit my pants.’ Bryan is terrified of shit.
“‘They didn’t clean you?’ … the ER doctor was like, ‘We can’t. We need to run all these tests first and then we can get you cleaned up.”‘Well, think when you run tests, it’s not like they come back right away… They didn’t want to move me. And I was so dizzy still and out of it.
Finally, after two IV bags and medicine, I start to feel better. I was able to walk to the bathroom and Bryan had to clean me. My poor husband…
”It was so embarrassing. My kids are making jokes. Bryan, when I get home from the hospital, is like, ‘I guess we can now say mommy poops her pants.’ It’s now the joke in the family.”
She also says that her daughter loved the joke a little too much:
“And then Birdie wrote a story about it… I guess Brian kind of talked to her and he’s like, ‘You know, that is embarrassing for mommy.’“
So that’s the story. Here are some of my questions:
- What’s the difference between gluten-free and gluten-friendly? Are there degrees of the wheat allergy or Celiac disease that allow you to just eat gluten’s allies?
- Was Brie standing when she passed out? Does falling from a seated position merit a “Timberrr”?
- Did she consider yelling “BRIE MODE” instead?
- If she was “pants down, on the toilet”, did she crap herself after Bryan and the nanny reclothed her and carried her into the bedroom?
- What kind of tests require you to stay covered in your own filth for hours? Some of these are me being intentionally obtuse, but I double-checked with hospital nurses I know and none could explain the scenario Brie explains from the hospital she was taken out. So this one is 100% legit.
- Birdie can’t write a story about this pants shitting, but Brie and her sister can spend 10 minutes of their popular podcast on it?
Mostly though, glad Brie is okay. And seriously, thanks for sharing this wild, unflattering story. I really want to hear Birdie’s version though… if not a full Dark Side of the Ring-esque reenactment.
