Others have already gone through a long list of the on-air sins of the remarkably incompetent John Schriffen, though covering the full list of the idiocies of the play-by-play man whose option won’t be exercised would take much more space than is allowed. Suffice it to say here that Sox fans rarely, aloud or in writing, called him “John,” or even “Schriff.” It’s always the full “Schriffen,” spoken in the same tone Jerry Seinfeld used for “Newman.”
But while TV-watching fans may still be dancing around
their living rooms, popping a cool one or two or even, finances permitting, uncorking a bottle of Champagne, we dare not bask in the celebration for long. We need to move on to who his replacement(s) might be.
Sadly, I’m not on the list, despite knowing I could do a better job — just as you and every other viewer think you could. Even though He Who Makes All Decisions is a nonagenarian, my being (ever so slightly) older than Steve Stone may disqualify me on age grounds — same for Hawk. Jason Benetti is gone forever, and Harry is long deceased, so we have to hunt for new blood.
The easy choices
Bulls play-by-play announcer Adam Amin, who has called postseason baseball games for national television, has been mentioned as a possibility. He is apparently very competent and well-liked, but I have seldom heard him and have no opinion. Scheduling conflicts could be an issue, though.
The most obvious pick, especially since he would presumably fit within The Miser’s budget, is Connor McKnight, who should have been the choice when Schriffen was hired (and was my pick). McKnight does a solid job as a sideline reporter (unlike she who shall remain nameless and who should also be DFA’d), and he filled in well on play-by-play when needed. He knows baseball, he knows the team, he does his homework, he would work cheap (I repeat) and fits the usual pattern of hiring internally without looking elsewhere.
McKnight would be a vast improvement and would probably get more comfortable with the full-time gig, becoming less inclined to rush things over to Stoney. The only problem is that, while very professional, he’s not high on the entertainment scale. Adequate for sure, but no Benetti, whom even my sports-hating wife liked to listen to. We should never forget that no matter how wrapped up we get in wins, losses and performances, and no matter how many people lose their life savings on the 600,000 available gambling sites, professional sports are, at heart, entertainment.
As for the internal choices, pleeeease don’t shift either of the main color analyst fill-ins to play-by-play — absolutely no Dan Plesac or Gordon Beckham. Sure, Gordo has improved quite a bit, but that’s like saying your flu has improved quite a bit because your temperature dropped to 101.8°.
So, what about this entertainment thing?
Nobody in the White Sox universe is more entertaining than Ozzie Guillén, except maybe Chance the Rapper, who would be a tad expensive. No one knows more about baseball and the team than Guillén, who has plenty of experience doing pregame and postgame shows. He could be considered for play-by-play.
Wouldn’t games be more enjoyable, even losing ones, with Ozzie at the mic? Of course they would. Sure, he tells it like it is, which might irritate some players when they do poorly, but his job is to inform and entertain viewers, not feed egos.
Ozzie’s one big drawback is that when he gets excited, he can be difficult to understand, which is why we’d pair him in the booth with a noted Ozzie whisperer … A.J. Pierzynski. A.J. has plenty of experience as a network analyst and would never run out of things to say.
What a team they’d be! Ozzie to call the game, A.J. to interpret, Stoney to analyze pitching. Good teams are supposed to be strong up the middle, and we’d have a two-time All-Star catcher, a Cy Young Award winner and a three-time All-Star shortstop who was also a Rookie of the Year and Manager of the Year. Try to beat that, Tigers!
Heck, they could even rotate jobs, since Ozzie and A.J. might battle for airtime, and Stoney must be getting tired of being the guy who explains pitching situations and grips. There would no doubt be a sponsor willing to pay big bucks to cover their pregame rock-paper-scissors battle to see who does what. It could be a three-way contest when Stoney’s around and head-to-head when he isn’t.
Sure, A.J. is more inclined to tell the truth than feed egos, but isn’t that what fans really want?
And think of the harmony on the Nationwide jingle!
Yeah, you’re right … it will never happen
It would cost Jerry money. He’ll just go cheap. As always. If there’s even a season in 2027.
