Wubba Lubba Dub Dub: Pain Only Cleveland Understands
–by Mario Crescibene
INT. Morty’s Room, Morty working at his desk – NIGHT
(Rick bursts in, frantic.)
RICK:
Morty! Morty! You’re not gonna believe it!
MORTY:
Ugh, what now, Rick? I’m trying to do my homework or—whatever.
RICK:
There’s no time, Morty. I found it. I finally found it!
MORTY:
What? You mean the timeline where your wife and daughter didn’t—y’know—get vaporized?
RICK:
No, Morty. Something way more important. Something… glorious.
MORTY:
Uh… more important than your dead family?
RICK: Do you remember
what “wubba lubba dub dub” means, Morty?
MORTY:
Yeah, Rick, it means you’re in a lot of pain, right?
RICK:
Exactly. But not because of them, Morty. (burp) Not because of my dead wife and daughter. No. Y-you see, Morty, I’m in pain because…
(Rick leans in, eyes twitching) …it’s because I’m a Cleveland Guardians fan, Morty.
MORTY:
W-what? The baseball team? I thought you were depressed because your family—
RICK:
NO! That pain was temporary, Morty. Fading. This? (burp) This pain is eternal. It’s year after year of false hope and deep, deep suffering, Morty. It’s 1995 and Brinkman calling strikes a foot off the plate. It’s José Mesa. It’s Game 7 of 2016. All of it, Morty! Over and over again!
MORTY:
Jeez, Rick… so, if you could go to a universe where either your family’s alive or the Guardians win a World Series… which would you pick?
RICK:
What the hell kind of twisted question is that, Morty?! That’s disgusting. That’s… immoral. (burp) Y-y-you think I’m some kind of monster?
(Rick cold, unblinking) Obviously the Guardians. No hesitation.
MORTY (gasping):
Oh my God…
RICK:
But it’s okay, Morty. Because I found it. The timeline. The one—the only one—where the Cleveland Guardians win it all.
(Rick shaking, euphoric) They. Win. The. World. Series.
MORTY:
Are you serious?
RICK (grabbing Morty’s shirt):
Come on Morty. It’s the greatest adventure we’ve ever had! We’re going to Cleveland Prime!
MORTY:
But Rick, what if it messes up the multiverse? What if we cause, like, a paradox?
RICK:
Screw the multiverse. This is baseball, Morty.
(Rick fires the portal gun and the green swirl opens.)
RICK:
LET’S. GO. GUARDIANS!
CUT TO:
EXT. PROGRESSIVE FIELD – NIGHT – GAME 7, 2025 WORLD SERIES
(A crowd of 40,000 holds its breath. The Guardians are tied with the New York Yankees.
Rick and Morty stumble out of the portal into the left-field bleachers. Rick’s now wearing a dusty 1995-era Guardians jacket over his lab coat, and a Guardians hat cocked sideways.)
MORTY:
Woah. Rick. Why are they playing the Yankees?
RICK:
Because in this timeline they already had realignment, Morty. You think the Guardians are going to win the World Series in a reality similar to ours? There’s a looooot different in this timeline.
MORTY:
Oh jeez, Rick. Like what?
RICK:
Well for one, the Dolans actually spent money. They got Lindor back, Morty. They brought him home! And José Ramirez? They extended him by making him a partial owner and let him design his own batting gloves.
MORTY:
Wow! So who’s coaching then?
RICK:
My god Morty, Vogt of course! He’s the best coach in baseball in all the timelines. (burp) But Tito is now president, Morty!
MORTY:
They made Tito Francona the president of the Guardians?!
RICK:
Not of the team, Morty—of the United States!
(Rick, arms wide) It’s paradise, Morty. We’re in a dimension where the Guardians believed. Where ownership actually spends. And now they are about to win the World Freakin’ Series!
(With Hedges at the plate, Aaron Judge makes the pitch.)
RICK (hushed):
There it is, Morty. This is it. The moment Cleveland has been waiting 77 years for! The ending we were never supposed to have.
(Hedges takes a mighty swing and sends the ball flying towards left field.)
RICK:
I’ve been waiting too long for this, Morty. (burp) Let’s slow time down so we can really savor the moment.
(Rick, presses a second button on the portal gun and everything but Rick and Morty begins to move in slow motion.)
RICK:
Years. (burp) Years of pain and suffering, Morty. It all ends here.
MORTY:
I don’t know Rick, that ball looks like it’s heading foul.
RICK:
Nonsense, Morty. I’ve done all the calculations. You think the smartest man in the universe would make a mistake when it comes to finding the one timeline where the Guardians win the World Series? There was just one timeline out of millions, Morty. And this is it.
(The ball continues to slowly carry towards the left foul pole as the outfielders run in slow motion.)
MORTY (doubtful):
Rick, that ball is definitely curving foul.
RICK (eyes wide in panic):
Oh geez, Morty you’re right! This can’t be! I did all the calculations. I searched all the timelines! (looks upward) Is this your idea of a cruel joke, god?! For being the smartest man in the universe? You curse me to suffer yet another loss in the World Series you sick f*ck?!
(Rick makes an obscene gesture to the heavens.)
I can’t take it, Morty! Another loss in game 7? Let’s just get it over with.
(Rick presses the button on the portal gun again and time goes back to normal as the ball continues to drift foul as it nears the pole. But just as it’s about to go foul, a seagull from Lake Erie crashes into the ball, knocking it into the foul pole, and creating a home run. The stadium erupts as Hedges rounds the bases and the team storms the field.)
RICK (screaming):
YES! YES, MORTY! IT HAPPENED! IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED! THERE IS A GOD!
MORTY:
I—I can’t believe it. The Guardians… they won the freakin’ World Series!
RICK:
The one timeline, Morty. (burp)
MORTY:
That was crazy. I mean a seagull flies into the ball and knocks it into the foul pole?! But I guess we should head back now. I still have to finish my homework.
RICK:
Head back? Are you insane, Morty? This is the ONE timeline where the Guards win the World Series. You think I’m going to go back to our timeline where it’s just more pain and suffering? Hell to the no! I’m staying here, Morty. We-we’re never leaving here, Morty.
MORTY (hand on his head):
Oh jeez…
RICK:
It’s just going to be you and me, Morty. Rick and Morty in the alternate timeline forever, Morty.
MORTY:
I want to go home…
RICK:
This is our home, Morty! (burp) W-w-we’re never leaving. Champions forever. A-a-and next year, we try to do it again. Back-to-back, Morty! Rick and Morty and the Guardians — champions foreverrrrr!
