Alright, who broke it? I’m not mad, I just need the culprit to come forward, because this space-time continuum isn’t going to fix itself. Do you see that giant rift? The tear in the fabric of reality?
One of you did this, and no one is leaving until you fess up.
Something hasn’t been right in the basketball world as of late, and I’m really beginning to lose my patience as my grip on the meaning of truth and the function of reality begins to slip. I’m clinging to understanding, but the handle is becoming liquified; melting under my clutch like it’s made of ice.
No, I’m not going to call a professional to come fix this. Times are already tight, and I refuse to let another charlatan come into my home and swindle me into buying a protection package, a one-year warranty, or a credit card (wow, I didn’t realize times were that tight). I’ve been burned before, and as the vacuum of improbability slowly inverts into a singularity, I will not be robbed of both my life and my dignity.
Oh, you think I’m being dramatic? Me, dramatic? Okay, doctor, then you explain to me all the odd goings on about these parts lately.
Keyonte George, Utah’s third-year point guard, is rapidly becoming so unstoppably good that the Utah front office is sitting him for “rest” (mercy for the opposition). A 43-point career high? Career-best shooting splits? The swagger of prime Mick Jagger?
Ace Bailey, despite a clean bill of health and clearly being one of the best 10-15 rookies in his class, has been scratched from the Rising Stars Challenge at All-Star Weekend.
Lauri Markkanen, despite being out with illness for weeks, seems perfectly healthy on the sideline — hair rich and curly, flashing a 10-watt smile radiant enough to distract a free-throw shooter — in ignorance of the virus slowly consuming his very being.
Cody Williams, of all people, has developed into an inside scoring specialist, rocking rims and sending any opposition careening back to the Earth with a thunderous crash.
And to top it all off, Jusuf Nurkic has suddenly transformed into Nikola Jokic mid-season, rattling off three consecutive triple-doubles. That number defies all logic. It spits in the face of believability. That’s second-best among all centers, and he notched them back-to-back-to-back. It’s impossible. Yet there I sat, vision fastened to the screen of my iPhone 12 (I will not upgrade, thank you very much) as number 30 in purple diced up defences from the high post, threading pinpoint bounce passes to cutters, scoring from all three levels, and inhaling rebounds for dessert.
Walker Kessler’s injury was supposed to ensure the tank’s integrity, yet it only seems to have left the drawbridge open and inviting for a 6-foot-11, 290-pound dragon to breach the entrance of castle Jazz.
This fracture in the universe hasn’t been limited to the confines of Salt Lake City, either. Last season’s Finals runner-up is dead last in the league standings. Ope, wait, Washington took their spot. Maybe things are back to normal? Oh no, I was double-wrong. Take a look at this: the reigning champions from Oklahoma City? They boast three first-round picks in the upcoming draft, four if Utah continues to exceed expectations. The Detroit Pistons are in second place? What is this, 1990?
Look, my head is spinning. I don’t have the bandwidth to deal with this problem, so could you just come forward and admit it already? One of you broke the basketball world, and it’s time you fixed it.
Calvin Barrett is a writer, editor, and prolific Mario Kart racer located in Tokyo, Japan. He has covered the NBA and College Sports since 2024.
